This week in movies (wherein I talk about The Watchmen like everyone else):

Saw: The Watchmen. Who watches the Watchmen? People who love backstory and exposition, apparently.  Some possible alternate titles - I Showed You This Already but Now Let Me Tell it to You As Well, My Blue Weiner (and Butt!), and Before We Can Fight Crime I Have Some Anxieties That I Would Like to Discuss.  

Rented: Australia.  Hugh Jackman is obviously handsome and talented, Nicole Kidman has obviously been punishing free radicals and wearing a lot of sun hats, and Baz Luhrman has obviously seen Out of Africa, Pearl Harbor and Far and Away, among others, but hopes that you haven’t, or at least that you won’t recognize their plotting now that it has been given a tan and a twangier accent.

Read: A script I can’t tell you the title of that is the supposed “true story” of some people fighting off demons.  Any guesses as to what all of the action sequences with the fighting off of the demons consist of?  Praying.  As David Cross might say, these folks pray the shit out of their fucking prayers. Only not like Max Von Sydow in The Exorcist, apparently, because the only thing I wanted to get behind me at the end was any memory of it.  Satan? Not so much. Afterward I still didn’t believe he existed in the form of a red, ugly beast who wants to poke me in the behind with a pitchfork or put coal in my stocking on Christmas or whatever it is he’s meant to do.  I can only imagine the buzz for this film if it were ever made.  “Did you guys see that fourth praying scene?  The one where they pray for nothing bad to happen to them and nothing bad happens?  Oh man was that hair-raising!”

“Hey, my eyes are up here, Jerks.”