I Am The Ben Lyons of Hating On Ben Lyons.

I was so amped to blow the doors off of the Ben Lyons Sucks issue this morning, but apparently some other people have beat me to it by like 6 months and 800 blogs. So because I don’t think I can add much to what has already been said by Roger Ebert, Eric Childress and the other critics who hate this guy, in true Ben Lyons style, I’m going to stand on the shoulders of these other guys without permission. I’m hoping that by taking this lazy route, I can at least raise a little awareness among those of you who haven’t yet discovered the joys of not liking anything about Ben Lyons.  To that end, dear reader, here is a profile of the man, the myth, the legend, the guy who makes you change the channel when you accidentally land on the new At the Movies.

Name: Ben Lyons

Age: 27

Occupation: film reviewer, ear assaulter, walking reminder that, American Dream talk aside, this ain’t no meritocracy we’re living in.

Influences: Jeffrey Lyons, natch.  Also, Mark S. Allen, Jim Ferguson, Earl Dittman, Bill Bregoli, Shawn Edwards. Probably Billy Bush.

Qualifications: dna of shill reviewer dad, mad nickelodeon game show hosting skills, dimples.

Known Likes: nepotism, puns made from own last name, posing next to famous people in pictures, movies with explosions in them, being asked to do cameos in films purely on his own merit and not at all because he’s a reviewer, I Am Legend. Fuckin’ RAGING at awesome parties with famous friends who sort of seem to not mind being hung out in the vicinity of, writing different top 10 lists with different films on them for different websites in the same year, texting during movies butonlyifitswayimportantbro, eating own poop.

Assumed Dislikes: Fairness, college, hard work, fair play, experience, film history, film theory, film school, the fairness doctrine, earning stuff, journalism, justice, good things, the written word, the spoken word, the integrity of critical discourse and/or that of the english language, mean people who have chops, believe in things and are totally cool and awesome.

Known associates: None who will admit it, seemingly.  20 year-old girls who hate movies and love dimples and this guy adore him from afar, though.

Memorable At The Movies Quotes:

“This is one of those films that every movie after this will be judged against this film” –remarking in typical restrained style on The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

“Coming in at just an hour and 15 minutes long, this indie film is slow and downright boring at its core,” –waxing poetic on character study Wendy and Lucy

“You know what’s frustrating in the film though, Mank? You don’t get to hear the little boy’s side of the story at all and I felt like he was kinda pushed to the side and was almost an afterthought even though he’s the subject of the film.” Remarking to averge on his own, Pauline Kael by comparison co-reviewer Ben Mankiewitz on how he wishes Doubt would have shown the perspective of the kid, the lack of which produced all that DOUBT you may have heard about.

“But I want a Golden Goose NOW, Daddy!” –Expressing immediate needs to father Jeffrey  while on a visit to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.

Best Ever Quote about a Ben Lyons’ Quote: “If he were 12 and had only seen 50 movies in his lifetime, it would still be one of the dumbest statements ever made by a human being named Lyons,” –Eric Childress, on Lyons’s pronouncement of I Am Legend as one of the best films ever made.

Miscellaneous: Detailed here and here by people who hate Ben Lyons more than I do, who I didn’t know were legion until I sat down to write this morning, and who I am deferring to for most of this blog because they’re all doing excellent flogging that makes me feel like I can sit back, relax, and be mediocre at it much like Ben Lyons would do in my position.