Proposal for a Script I’d Like to Cover Someday

If you haven’t been following actor Justin Theroux’s bourgeoning screenwriting career, he co-wrote Tropic Thunder and recently signed up to write the Iron Man sequel. While this is good news for Justin Theroux, I think it’s even better news for screenwriters. Because, like, have you guys seen Justin Theroux? He is attractive! He is the hottest John Hancock EVAR. And he can beat up dudes and chicks alike (In movies. Just dudes in real life I bet).

Where am I going with this? Why do I claim that this actor guy taking screenwriting jobs could help other screenwriters? Because I smell an opportunity…to re-brand.

See, if there’s anyone who needs a rewrite, it’s screenwriters. Think about how they’re portrayed in movies and TV. Even the famous, great ones. Barton Fink, Joe Gillis, David Kahane from The Player, whoever Phillip Seymore Hoffman was playing in State and Main, Charlie Kaufman as written by himself –all neurotic wrecks and, with the exception of the ones who go crazy with pent-up, neurotic rage and only wind up hurting themselves, all flaming nerds with no ability to rumble when rumbling’s what’s called for. If the director character is the go-to infant terrible of movies about moviemaking, then the screenwriter is the designated schmuck. And these character traits have been repeated over and over, filtering down through all sorts of media representations, from CSI episodes to TV commercials. I bet there’s even a porn out there with the film-within-a-film gimmick, in which the writer character is a bitter geek even while getting his geek-pole geeked on by “hot” porn chicks.

This isn’t surprising when you realize that being a screenwriter on a film that gets made is stressful in much the same way as might be sitting in coach on a flight to an important meeting in New York and being told after take-off that the flight is really going to Texas because someone in first class had a hankering for some ribs. It could definitely turn an intelligent, sensitive person bitter and/or nuts. But, come on! Not all screenwriters are the same. I have met many of them who don’t even mutter under their breath about how much smarter they are than everyone.  Who aren’t even cloying sell-outs. Who like to get crazy in the fun, party sense. Here’s where The Roux comes in. He can expose the true face of screenwriting. The one Hollywood is afraid to show. Picture this in the coming attractions of a theatre near you:

 

Justin Theroux is Screenwriter-Man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That or “Justin Theroux is The Screenwriter.” I can’t decide. Either way, if he did this movie, playing a fictionalized-yet-largely-factual version of himself (maybe written by someone else so that it wouldn’t all be dismissed as boasting), he could explode the following myths about why screenwriting is boring and screenwriters are bitter:

Myth 1: All screenwriters are nerds – Could a nerd punch you in your stupid face, jerk?

Myth 2: Screenwriters do all their work at a desk by themselves. BO-RING! -Screenwriter man can write anywhere, like on the back of his Harley, fingers moving with lightning speed (secret power) over the iPhone strapped in his forearm cuff.

Myth 3: Screenwriters are neurotic – Have you seen this guy? Relaxed as fuck…that is until a screenwriting nemesis –Devo Disaster, perhaps, or The Greenlighter, responsible for such terrors as Beverly Hills Chihuahua— menaces Los Angeles. Then he has to drink champagne so he can bust down walls! (SUPER power)

Myth 4: Screenwriters have no control over their work once production starts – Um, control-S? The keyboard command that readies screenwriter man’s jet plane for action so that he can fly to the set and speak to the producer in calm-yet-assertive whisper next to the craft service table? HAIR RAISING LEVELS OF CONTROL!

Myth 5: all screenwriters are brunettes, wear glasses, and are or at least seem Jewish –
Umm, hello? Screenwriter man’s hair is BLUE! And he’s a Zen Buddhist…TO THE MAX. And his glasses are only to help him see in the dark. So that he can write after bedtime! (ok, so he is half jewish on his father’s side. DEAL WITH IT).

(Myth 6, that all screenwriters are men will be dealt with in the spinoff film series… Screenwriter-girl: High Heels, High Residuals)

That’s my pitch. I leave it up to some courageous, truth-telling writer out there to write it, and Justin Theroux to play it so that I can cover it and it can get made, thus liberating screenwriters everywhere from the chains of their oppression…which, I guess I should mention, they’ve chained on themselves by writing these characters. Which is messed up. Screenwriters, right? They are so neurotic!!!!1!

Oh and hey, my friend Mike, who is not unlike Screenwriter-man in both build and excitingness, has a company with the same name as my blog. Check it out. He’s not me, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m a LADY.