Cecelia has worked as a story analyst in the film industry since practically the day she arrived in Los Angeles almost eight years ago, and in that time has worked for a number of LA-based companies and read an estimated 4-5000 scripts, books and plays. So she’s not sweating it, either.
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November 18, 2008
Up until about five years ago, i felt like I could at least partly understand what Nic Cage was doing. First (1981-1986) he was doing the parts he could get–movies that needed handsome young kids, movies his uncle made, etc . Then (1987-1992) he was doing weird shit he liked –usually because it allowed him to do a weird voice or accent. 
Then (1992-1995), he was trying to be a capital A Actor, either through lead roles in potential hit films, or through roles in movies that would allow him to finally win an Oscar. Then (1995-2002) he had accomplished both of those things and so realized he’d like to be rich and look cool and handsome and young and hairy-headed in movies and did only movies that could give him those things (it’s easy to feel this way when you’ve just fallen madly in love with handsome, persuasive Jerry Bruckheimer…he is such a DREAMBOAT!). Then (2002-2004) he was like, “Fuck. I better do a few good movies in between these bad blockbuster movies so that I don’t wind up in strictly treasure hunter kid movies someday.”
But lately, even though ostensibly he’s still running that pattern, I have no idea what is going through his head because the quality of the scripts he’s picking has gone to total opposite extremes. It’s either really good or godawful with very little of the middle ground that often is the intimate friend of the blockbuster actor who still wants respect. I’ve become aware of this at this late stage mostly because I just saw Ghost Rider and I can’t believe anybody famous would ever consent to do that to themselves any more than I would consent to be sold into a prostitution ring so dastardly that all my previous romances would retroactively be tainted and declared prostitution even if they were beautiful and pure. But even with that ridiculous movie and Bangkok Dangerous and National Treasure 2, and even despite the craziness that is going on with his hair and teeth and face which are now colluding to make him look, basically, like a skeleton with a coonskin 
cap on its head and even with the fact that his new “acting” is often just a caricature of old, good acting that he’s done, he still gets offered very good projects all the time. I have read three of the scripts he’s slated to star in or has just finished shooting, and they range from Wibberleys bad to very good.
So I guess, yes, my confusion arises partly from the fact that really good people keep hiring him, which is more about them than it is about what he’s thinking. But on the other hand he will show up for a good movie and often do a good job. So that tells me that a) he is still able to act and b) he can distinguish between the good movies, where he actually acts, and the bad, bad movies where he is simply a parody of his former self, making the Nic Cage of Wild At Heart and Raising Arizona cry out of embarrassment at seeing the same style applied to a Disney movie about finding a solid golden Mayan temple inside of Mt. Rushmore in order to prove one’s great great grandfather didn’t help kill Lincoln(<–actually a movie plot. no shitting!).
So my question is, is he actually smart enough to take crappy B material that is, because of the way Hollywood is run right now, being produced as blockbuster A films, and, through talent and smarts, still managing to get himself hired onto real movies? Or does he simply say yes to anyone who meets his quote and some of the people who do happen to be making good movies?
My feeling is that he’s doing all of this to fuck with me. Because unlike, say, Eddie Murphy, I really can’t ever write him off. I watched him scream and turn into a flaming skeleton for five minutes and thought “How is this guy still working in anything but B Disney movies?” all the while knowing that he’s about to be in knowing a script i’ve read a few times and liked (i hear the movie isn’t perfect, but still, it’s a good project that many people would love to be on). Basically, the lower he sinks, and the more bad movies I see him in, the more certain I feel that I will still be forced to take him seriously in good movies and give the fact that he’s attached to scripts I read some kind of positive weight, even if they’re really good and all I can see when I imagine him in them is a flaming, screaming skull with weird plugs.
I want answers. Nicholas Cage: Are you fucking with me? If so, is it because of that thing that happened at Luques? Because I didn’t mean it and i believe i apologized at the time and it really did look like a ladies room. Please let me know.
Do you know why the Cage’d hair clings?
November 3, 2008
VOTE!
If that’s not enough incentive, here’s a picture of someone else who would be made very happy if you exercised your most important right as an American:
(Back with an actual blog next week, I hope.)
October 28, 2008
I can’t really think of a script reading blog today. I have election fever and it is blocking my brain from other activities. But here’s something:
With a week left until the big day, I have noticed a lot of people listing movies about elections and presidential politics, but, surprisingly, i have not yet seen a list that has all five of my favorite movies on the subject. So here they are, listed (in my opinion) from the least to the most cynical:
1.) Dave (1993)
2.) Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)
3.) All the President’s Men (1976)
4.) Primary Colors (1998)
5.) Bob Roberts(1992)
I am kind of embarassed to admit that if I had to pick a president from among the politicians in these movies, I would go with Dave Kovick…the everyman who knows nothing about the office. Jack Stanton (thinly veiled Bill Clinton) of Primary Colors is my second choice and Jimmy Stewart’s Jeff Smith is third. He should probably be first but I have an ambivalent relationship with naivete. Even his. I would not vote for Nixon or Bob Roberts, but if I were a member of the academy of crazy eyes arts and sciences, I would vote for Jack Black’s Bob Roberts character for craziest eyes EVER.
In related news, Emile Hirsch (aka the man of zero faces), has succeeded in making the only celebrity voting PSA that has ever made me want to not vote out of spite.
October 21, 2008
Just wanted to let you know that if you, like me, have been thinking about being Barbarella for the past 2 Halloweens only to settle on something easier because finding metal capes and black body stockings that aren’t super porny is too much work, get your mofo shit together TODAY. This is our year. The last year.
I’m saying this not because Barbarella costumes could provide a groovy feminist counterpoint to Sarah Palin costumes, perhaps dispensing sex pills like candy at adult parties while Sarah Palin hoards all the chocolate coins and morning after pills so as to save you from yourself. They could, but I’m really saying this because I have read the Robert Rodriguez Barbarella and it is slated to come out next year (it’s possible this project is dead, but i have had it come through my company again recently and there are counter-rumors and i’m not taking any chances).
If you enjoyed the tone and spirit of the original film, I can tell you that this Barbarella is going to disappoint you. On the other hand, it will delight teenage boys who have never seen the ‘68 version but who have recently learned to masturbate, and who will likely make it a success and talk it up, which will in turn cause teenage girls to dress up on subsequent Halloweens as Rose McGowan or whoever replaces her in the title role, thus draining the steamy, jacuzzi-sized tub of fun that was the orignal/the idea of dressing like Jane Fonda in it, down to a few tepid inches.
Look, in terms of structure and dialog and such, this script wasn’t terrible or anything. And I don’t begrudge a guy wanting to remake this movie and neither does Dino de Laurentis, who produced the original and is producing this new version. But I do think that 79 year-old de Laurentis’s judgement is less sound than that of 39 year-old de Laurentis. And I do think that it’s a huge mistake to make Barbarella into a big budget, exploitation-action hybrid with so much girl on girl action, topless lady fighting and other such straight-up, male-only fantasy material in it. This version -to me at least- read like a space-themed issue of the Fredericks of Hollywood catalog, with none of the playfully strange sexiness –exciting and appealing to both men and women–of the original, unless you consider it playful to be hit in the head with a two-by-four of Sin City-style f-ing. I would prefer to just cut out the middle man and watch Showtime after dark than this remake, and I wish Rodriguez would look elsewhere for a presold property. 
Like maybe in Russ Meyer’s catalog, which was booby, but honestly so. Camp and the sexual ambiguity and strange power dynamics represented by a dude with angel wings are not bad, stupid things to be cast off because we’re so modern and this ain’t your grandaddy’s sexy movie. Far more retrograde is only showing me women named Jessica riding electric bulls all the time.
So I’ve got my chainmail bodice and as I have mentioned on previous occasions, my hair is already awesome (and in Barbarella style). I advise those of you who want to enact this fantasy while it’s still tinged with empowerment and not strictly pandering*, get on the stick. Except if you know me personally and we are going to be hanging out on Halloween and you is stealing my idea. Because then i will fucking cut you. Or take a picture with you. Whichever.
*Obviously a little pandering will be involved. I’m not made of stone.
October 14, 2008
To Whom It May Concern:
What will it take to convince you that I have been reached by your ad campaign and know that you have a film that came out this weekend? I have seen banner ads on practically every website I visit, all my social networking sites, the billboards on sunset and everywhere else, my radio and, i believe, the bottom of some friends’ hotmail emails. I don’t even really watch commercials because I have a DVR, but you have saturated the shows i watch with ads to such an extent that the few times in recent memory that i’ve left the room or taken a call or started talking to the person sitting next to me when a show went to commercial, your ad has always been the first thing to come up.
Let me tell you which of the ads i’m referring to: The Ad. The only ad you seem to run with the only footage you seem to have. She’s in a dark room, she doesn’t know what’s happening and there’s something scary behind her that grabs her. I get it. Mocku-Docu-creature-Blair-Cloverfield-”i’m really scared” Project. I understand your product, what it does and how i can obtain it. You have earned your money today. Now, when was the last time you treated yourself to a long lunch? What’s that? You’re not hungry? Rats.
Let me just throw this idea out: What if I signed a waiver that guaranteed you that I knew what your movie was called and when it was opening? Would that absolve me of my obligation to think about your movie when doing work, in my car, relaxing, trying to compose a thought, etc?
Not biting? Ok…what if I promised to bring in two other people to sign the form, and then they promised to bring two in and so on and so on? Would that make the offer more attractive to you?
No, huh? OK, final offer: I get a tattoo of the name of your movie and 10/10/08 on the thumb and forefinger of my right hand, so that every time i shake hands with someone they are made aware that you have a movie that you would like us all to see. In exchange I get to live in a world that doesn’t revolve around the girl in the room talking to the camera and then getting yanked away from the camera. Deal? Let me know.
Respectfully,
Cecelia Script Reader, President, Consumers Against Faulty Eyewear*
*Bonus Reader Quiz! For those few of you reading this who aren’t part of the thousands-strong marketing team for Quarantine, this consumer group name was taken from a movie about summer fun. Can you name this move? The only prize as of right now is my respect, but if i can cut a deal with the Quarantine people i might be able to get you out of your ad watching responsibilities as well, so send in those answers!
