YOU MUST BE MAD TO GO ON TV

No sane person could watch the contestants on a reality tv show without thinking there’s something very wrong with these people.

You’re only half right, though. Because while reality tv demands that these people are mad - it also demands that they’re ‘not too mad’.

Yes, we want you to be willing to go on tv and get into yelling matches with similarly mad people. We want you to be koo-koo enough to want to cry on cue about how ‘not winning the ‘Jello Down Your Pants’ Challenge’ has really scarred you for life. We even want you to be mad enough to go on national tv and have your private parts blurred out as you waddle away from a midnight tumble with the awful blond who should have been voted off last week.

But, we don’t want dribbling. And we hate stopping filming because we’re ‘all so concerned that Bobby might actually be losing it, should we call the network?’. We hate that most of all.

Yes, so even the most looney Survivor or Blind Dater has been certified ‘mad enough for telly’. How? It might be hard to believe they actually had to meet with a psychologist who would have quizzed them about everything from their childhood to how many times they think they’re a god per day - all for the all important stamp of approval. The real reason reality tv spends a good portion of its budgets on these heinously expensive psychological evaluations, or “Psych Evals”, is because while most of us think of reality tv as a lot of crazy people not adding much to the world, network tv bosses see reality tv as an enormous bunch of very very expensive law suits just waiting to walk into head-office and take away all their lovely money.

Yes, imagine if someone went postal in the Big Brother house? Or went gaga and throttled the Supernanny, right there on tv?! Now, while many of you might think Congressional Medals would be in order for those loopy Lou’s, you can only imagine the hours of wasted legal time to clear that mess up… so, psych evals it is.

But, the other, not often talked about reason we have these Psych Evals created is because of the wonderful veneer of responsibility it gives reality tv producers… er, like me.

Now, You might be the most caring, wonderful human being on Earth. But, if you’re stuck on location with a thousand better hotel rooms between you and home, and you’re watching a normal person, being absolutely normal for 24 hours a day… and niceties are flowing, people are getting on and NOTHING is happening, (by the TV definition of ‘Nothing’), even you would scream out for even the mildest mental issue to creep in. Just to spice it up. And you’re a nice person.

But, (putting on my Orwellian voice over voice), ‘We all know where this will end’.

I used to live in London, not far from the site of the infamous mental institution known, back when it was open, as “Bedlam”. One of my favorite haunts was a pub, overlooking the grounds. On the wall in the gents bathroom was a plaque that reminded us that where I was now relieving myself used to be the 2-penny Gallery, where for 2 pence you could stand with a beer in hand and look over the wall at the really, sick inmates going about their craziness.

This is where it would end. Tv producers would go wild. You can only imagine.

So, carrying my file of ‘Approved for Telly!’ psych certificates, I can walk onto set happy in the knowledge that while these people might be mad - these wonderful certificates under my arm say that not only are they not too mad, but I’ve been a really responsible producer, caring enough about these people that I even had them evaluated by a really expensive psychologist for their own well-being.

And that makes all us reality TV producers feel pretty darned good, I can tell you.