The Opening Tease. With boobies.

So, welcome to my blog.

I’ve been told, this first blog is usually the boring one, where I tell you things like… I got my first film camera when I was 9 years-old and shot my first Super8 films with my brother’s burning toys as props. Yep. This is the boring blog where you learn about my past as a documentary director and film producer from London who moved to LA five years ago after selling his first feature film to Warner Brothers, or I give you an endless list of credits and first gigs, and oh, those horrible bastard first bosses.

So, to avoid this being boring I’m not going to tell you any of that because that’s boring. And boring is bad. Boring is very, very bad.

Oh, there you go - the first tid-bit from inside Reality TV. And still within the first minute. Great work!

You see, I know why you’re here. You’re here because this is the sexy expose of the Reality TV producer. You want beans spilt and to hear some creepy stories about how things are really done. How we Tazer the kids, how we threaten the public with violence into acting stupid on national TV.

So stay tuned – because all that is coming up.

Possibly. Or maybe it isn’t. Because I can pretty much write anything up here at the front of the blog, and phrase it in any way just to keep you reading. There’s my second insider info from Reality TV. That’s what we call ‘the Tease’.

Because here’s that sentence in context. “Anyone who says horrible things, for instance, about how we tazer the kids, how we threaten the public with violence into acting stupid on TV is a loony”. But you see what I did? You’re a little disappointed, now you read that, but you’re also very excited to hear all about the possibility of some good sex in the next paragraph. You might even see some boobies.

Yes, welcome to Reality TV. Oh, sorry. No boobies in this paragraph – well, only that small reference to them. If you were expecting boobies – I’m afraid you’re not going to find them here. Nosireebob. No boobies. Yes, welcome to Reality TV.

You see, what you missed by not having all my back-story in the rush to get to the not-boobies, is the real meat of who I am and why I’m here blogging. The only thing you really needed to know about me up in minute-one is that I’m a Reality TV producer. That’s inside rule #3 – only deal in one-line archetypes – and establish very quickly what it is they need. So, I’m a reality TV producer and my only wish in the whole wide world is that you enjoy coming back and reading my blog.

The rest of what you need to know about me will be metered out in the coming weeks. Unless I don’t say the word boobies enough and this blog gets pulled after only one episode, like those idiots at the network did to that show I worked my ass off on last year. Anyway – so that’s the Tease. And always at the end of the act – comes another tease.

Coming up in next week’s blog…

an explosion, someone yells at me, I yell at someone.

Then… in the most sensational blog of the season, I reveal the biggest…. secret…. of my life.

Cut to commercial.

(Or one of those ads at the side of the screen - just to make that feel real).