Ace Ventura Jr. Just Pearl Harbored My Soul

Another dark day in America’s history. I wish I had seen this one coming so I could run for the hills.

I feel numb. Really? REALLY?! Was this necessary?! Look. I get remakes and I get shitty sequels… but to make something that actively looks like it’s trying to be garbage… Jesus. I’ve known this was coming for a while, but I didn’t think it would be this bad. Are you kidding me?! Why does the kid have to be fat?! That wig is atrocious!!

You’re not even giving him new catchphrases, you’re rehashing old ones!! You know how annoying it was 2 years ago when everyone was quoting Dave Chapelle’s Lil’ Jon impression, “What? Yeahhhh! Ok!”. This is someone making a tubby Andy Melonakis rip-off do that for 2 hours straight and then TRYING TO SELL IT TO YOU!! Because even Andy Milonakis would turn this down, THAT’S how horrible this movie looks.

AHHHHH!! I want to commit VIOLENCE after watching that trailer!! To quote Patton Oswalt, “I wish my fingers emitted mace!”. Because seriously. Look in that kid’s eyes and tell me he isn’t going to use his Pet Detective blood money on coke and whores. My words are failing me… I’ve reverted to guttural animal noises. Maybe with any luck I can get a job as a Panda on the eminent sequel to this crap-fest and go on a killing spree before they can make Ace Ventura Jr: The Washed Up, Bitter Pet Detective with ED.

I have a strong suspicion I might get a medal of valor.

Prop H8 - Not So Great

Hey all! Wanted to upload a video I’m in this week. It’s a response to the despicable passing of Proposition 8 out here in California. My friend Jonathan Smith wrote and directed it, and as always, I am constantly amazed by the power of technology at how fast something like this can get turned around. I really feel that being in a digital age like ours is a great time to be alive because of how quickly we can reach an audience, especially when it comes to helping us fight injustices like Prop 8… or Prop h8 as I like to call it.

Check it out. Sign the petition. Because think about it… how many children of gay couples have issues versus how many children of divorced parents? If/when we get this Proposition on the ballot, the goal is then the rally AGAINST it… no one’s rights should EVER be taken away, period. But a point must be made.

Here’s where you can sign the petition: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/protect-marriage-protect-children-prohibit-divorce

And for my amazing gay friends, I just want to say have hope… when Lincoln was elected President, he didn’t initially set out to free the slaves… but he quietly worked towards it nevertheless. I have faith that another tall, skinny dude from Illinois might do the same for you, if we give him time.

 

 

Straight Edge? Schmaight Edge.

So today I received a question from a reader o’ mine asking, “As another kid trying to eek it out being a PA and someone who does not drink or smoke I wanted to ask something. Has your decision to not drink or smoke inhibit you in this industry?”

This is actually something I have spent a good deal of time thinking about… One would think the obvious answer would be NO! Hard work and a good personality get you where you need to go! And this is true… but only to a point unfortunately. The way I see it, the entertainment industry lifestyle is a work hard/play hard wild ride until you crash, take a few days off to recover from 3 months of 17 hour days and then dive right back in on the next project. And for many of the people who subscribe to this way of life, booze, drugs and cigarettes are an integral part of the equation just to keep them going.

I’ve always managed to play off not doing these things with small jokes or just changing the subject… in college I used to carry a cigarette case full of candy cigarettes and chew on them when my friends would take smoke breaks while we were editting our short films. I’m also a lover of Welch’s Grape Juice served in the biggest Brandy snifter you can find at parties. If people ask why I’m not drinking, I’ll usually say I’m driving or I’m cheap and laugh about it.

But every once in a while there are those awkward cases when you’ll be at a bar with the crew and you’ll be asked to explain yourself more in depth… because even though your producer is a vegetarian because she doesn’t like to eat meat, she cannot FATHOM how you could not drink because you don’t like beer. Being a teetotaler brings with it a life of infinite patience and hidden exasperation… God forbid you come across as judgmental, in an environment where you yourself are constantly judged. Sometimes I even consider telling people I’m “sober” and I “keep my temple clean”… The west coast is interesting to me because we glorify those who have gone to rehab… but those that just choose to abstain from the activities that put so many there in the first place are seen as a type of weird moral police.

I don’t, however, think it has really inhibited me in working. Luckily I am personable enough that I don’t need something to help me open up and “be myself”, so most people don’t really even notice. Plus carrying around a Shirley Temple can look enough like you’re enjoying a vodka cranberry that most people won’t think twice. And I know I’ve been lucky with bosses too, the people who I tend to work for again and again don’t care about that kind of thing and it’s that kind of attitude that keeps THEM working on fun projects as well… there’s a reason that vegetarian hippie is only on my resume once.

So I hope I helped, and stay strong my sober brother! You’re not alone, I promise. At least at the end of YOUR night, you can be the one in the room who remembers seeing that washed up 90’s comedian making out with a possible minor. (Seeeeecrets!!)

And anyone else that has a question, go ahead and submit, I love this kind of stuff!

I Promise I Am Still Alive

Hey.  It’s good to see you.  Have you lost weight?  I’m digging the new beard.  It’s been a while, hasn’t it?  How’s the wife?  Kids?  What have I been up to?  Well.  Got a minute?

A few weeks ago, I was cast and shot my first television bit for a new reality show on MTV.  Don’t worry, I’m not a contestant, I was actually using some comedic talent as a made up character.  I’m not sure how much I’m allowed to say, but I’ll have more details up once the show starts…  wouldn’t want to spoil such “rivetting” television for anyone.  But basically I got hired to harass a bunch of popped collar jock douchebags.  I love my life.  I got a fake name and everything!

For someone whose worked exclusively behind the camera up to this point, it was a pretty interesting experience to be on the other side.  My knee jerk reaction to help when a spill happens had to be quelled, not to mention the fact that I rarely wear much make up of any kind.  People speak to you differently too, and it’s interesting if you know all that is going on behind the scenes while you are standing in front doing your thing.  Also, you work FAR less hours - I was only on set for 4 and got paid for a full day.  That was pretty awesome.

Overall it was a blur, a new kind of challenge and a LOT of fun.

But that’s not all!  I’m in a new sketch writing class over at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre.  If you are thinking about taking any kind of comedy classes out here, go with them, everyone who is big in comedy right now has ties to that theatre.  They have shows every night of the week for $8, $5 or free, and I am rarely disappointed by anything.  I’ve also been doing a bunch of open mics around the city, and am booked on a show at the Improv Olympic on October 12th!  So if you’re in town, come on by!  I’ll have more details as it gets closer.

What else… The Emmys were a joke.  Poor Josh Grobin.  I was embarassed for you.  The only good part was seeing five of my husbands on stage - Ricky Gervais, Conan O’Brien, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Steve Carrell.  Could someone arrange me a slumber party with all of them please?  I just want to do hair, eat chocolate pudding and talk about boys all night long.

Production Assistant-wise…  as you guys can probably tell, I’m making the transition away from doing it.  Right now I am coordinating for a production company that does live event shows, another way that your film degree can be put to use.  The hours are easier, and while its definitely not as fun, its good to have some time back to myself so I’m not feeling constantly over worked.

Also - last night was the season premiere for Dexter on Showtime.  If you do not watch this show, you are missing out.

I PROMISE next week I will have another crazy story update.  I’m modeling for a friend of mine’s make up class on Wednesday night, maybe something wacky will happen then.  Peace out, cub scouts.

Why PAs should have health insurance… or how Blue Shield of California can suck a dick

So. Because being a PA is freelance, you have to get your own health insurance seperately from any production company you work for. But last April, mine, (Blue Shield of California) decided to drop me because my credit card was close to the limit and a payment didn’t go through. As opposed to calling/emailing/sending me a letter about this, they did nothing, just quietly took me off their list. I have automatic payment on my card, so I never really look at the transactions unless they’re way off what I expect them to be. So I didn’t notice that I wasn’t getting charged until a few weeks ago when I got a bill for a few hundred dollars from a doctor’s visit. I called in a frenzy, we figured out the problem and I had to reapply and also submit an appeal to have my insurance restarted. I just got a letter in the mail saying that my application for coverage was denied, so now I am fully dependent on the appeal going through.

I was just denied health insurance from Blue Shield of California for two reasons:

1. “unexplained fatigue”
2. “additional concern is depression”

Well you glorified telemarketing FUCKS, maybe if you got off your asses and worked a 14 hour day on your feet, then came home and spent time pursuing a dream career of writing and performing comedy every night, then you might be able to explain some of that fatigue… but that would involve having some kind of goal or ambition besides a midlife crisis when you’re 40 and realizing you didn’t have the balls or talent to go after something you were passionate about besides watching TV and getting fat. You’re the unimaginative, smug townie that married your highschool sweatheart and puts Cathy cartoon clippings from the Sunday paper in your cubicle to mask the fact that you don’t see sunlight from 9-5, 5 days a week… you are the fatted cows for the American Dreams of mediocrity and sloth. So I’m tired and overworked, and I told that to my old doctor, who decided that it was a concern that a 24 year old girl was pushing herself to be all she could be instead of giving up and getting 10 hours of sleep a night.

And I do have depression. Want to know why, asshole? My grandmother, the woman who was a second mother to me, who basically raised me and taught me everything that I value and am proud of in myself, died suddenly a little over a year and a half ago, right before I moved to California. I stayed home until after Christmas, but knew if I didn’t leave then, then I never would and I would regret it. But California is a cold, lonely place if you don’t have good friends to surround you when you need them, and being 3,000 miles away from a family torn apart by grief is hard for anyone. So I got a therapist to help me cope with it, and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I grow as a person every day and am happier than I have been in a long time… but depression is still apparently written on my medical charts.

I don’t drink, never have. I don’t smoke, never will. I have never touched a drug a day in my life. I exercise every single day. I watch what I eat. I’m not overweight. I have not been sick in over a year. I am a good kid. I am extremely healthy. Yet you won’t give me health insurance? Why am I being punished for taking the road less travelled? Does something about me scare you, big corporation? I’m sorry I’m honest and in touch with my feelings and I don’t drown them out with $2 happy hours and reruns of American Idol.

Shame on you. Go fuck yourselves.

Shameless Self Promotion

Hey all!! This week I’m going to do some shameless self promotion. I’ve got a stand up show this Wednesday in Hollywood!! If you’re free, come check it out. Here’s the info:

12 comedians. 5 minutes each. And super super cheap alcohol. What more could a kid want?

Featuring the comedic stylings of:
Alisha Gaddis, Susan Coletti, Lane Moore, Andy Ostroff, Tilt, Meg Murphy, Dustin David, Emily Brochin, Rebecca Stevens, Brandie Posey, Jamie Brunton, Vanessa Ramos, Jeremy Evans, Kevin Garbee, Charles Ball

$10. See you there!

Date: Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Time: 8:00 - 10:00 PM

Location: The Next Stage: 1523 N. La Brea Hollywood, CA

I know a few of these comics and they’re awesome, funny people, so it should be a bunch of fun. My set will be me talking about: knife fights, emilio estevez, baby showers, scatting and Bob Saget. I promise to be funny, or at the very least bomb in an amusing fashion.

Come on out!

Hollywood: Once again proving the Right… right.

So.  Hollywood has finally become the godless heathens that we have for so long been considered by the conservative Right.   Behold, devil spawn: 

Read this article (and then come back, post haste, I’m more entertaining than the news, promise).

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/science/08/05/clone.dog.ap/index.html

Earlier this month, a “screenwriter” decided, for $50,000.00,  to clone her dead dog because she missed him.  Really?  Is this what the Writer’s Strike was about, so we could spend our DVD residuals on cloning dogs?  Is that why I worked on shit reality TV for 6 months?  I see nothing on IMDB under her name…  by these standards, I’M a screenwriter.  So someone should give me $50,000.00 so I can blow it on building a Frankenweenie.

As someone with only a couple bucks to their name,  I am appalled.  You might argue that it’s the same as spending money on an expensive car, but I don’t think so…  cars aren’t living, breathing things that we made from the dead…  although they are fueled by dead dinosaurs, so maybe I should rethink that analogy.  Oh fuck it, this is a free blog.  Live with it.

If you want to honor your dead pet, then donate that money to a shelter, Lord knows they need it.  Or adopt another animal, hell, adopt 100 animals for $50,000.00!  There are so many dogs put to sleep every DAY in Los Angeles alone…  and here is someone deciding to clone 5 MORE!  Really?  At the very least, you’re disrespecting the wishes of the late host of The Price Is Right.  Bob Barker might not be dead, but he left the show…  and that makes him dead to ME…  my dreams of the perfect showcase showdown have been destroyed…  along with Booger the cloned dog’s dignity in death.

Good Lord.  People are idiots and don’t deserve anything they get.  I hope her clone dogs grow up soulless and bite her face off.  And you know they don’t have souls…  or at least they each have 1/5 of a soul.  She should have made 7 puppies, and they could be her Horcruxes, just like Lord Voldemort.  They’re both pretty evil in my book.

You know what makes me proud?  Dissing someone with a Harry Potter reference.

 

I’m telling you, the end of the world is near.  I really, REALLY hope this doesn’t become a trend.  Hollywood already remakes way too many movies…  can we agree to draw the line at remaking our pets?

Or at the very least, stay away from purple eyeshadow, k?

Backstreet’s Back… Or just Brandie

Dust off the cobwebs, stretch those muscles, Brandie’s back!  Did you miss me?  I know, I would miss me too.  Sorry for the 2 week hiatus, but I have been away on vacation and promised myself I wouldn’t bring my laptop so it would be a TRUE vacation…  I am a workaholic, so it’s hard to actually let myself go and do some real relaxing, recharge a bit.  I have been in Miami and on a cruise to the Bahamas with my 2 best friends from home!  It was awesome because we usually only get to see each other once or twice a year, and we try to spend those brief moments in style… Too bad we were in Miami, where everyone dresses in Ed Hardy religiously.  So style was…  lacking to say the least.  You can head over to my myspace if you want to see my vacation photos…  add me as a friend, leave some silly comments!  No creepy stalkers allowed though, kthanks.

Anyway, I’m back, broke and burnt.  Which means I’m looking to pick up some extra cash on the weekends…  so someone should hire me.  I’m looking specifically at anyone related to the Bob Saget Comedy Central Roast that’s happening this weekend.  Hook a sister up, I want to work it!

I was a seat filler for the Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson a few years back, and I consider it one of the best nights of my life.  As a seat filler, you basically stand on the side and when someone famous gets up from their table, you rush in and take that seat so the cameras always shoot a full room in wide shots.  I zeroed in on a table with two of my favorite comedians - Dom Irrera and Lewis Black.  I hovered nearby waiting for someone else from their table (some disinterested soap actresses) to get up and powder their noses or check their blackberries or do some coke in the bathroom.  What?  They looked the part.

One of them finally did and I swooped in on the table, my inner comedy nerd squealing with joy over just being NEAR these guys…  They introduced themselves (not like I didn’t already have whole bits of their memorized) and asked where I was from.

“I’m from Maryland, but go to college in Philly.”

Fun fact: Lewis Black is from Silver Spring, MD.  And Dom Irrera is from Philadelphia, PA.  Add to that the fact that I had just finished and LOVED Lewis’ new memoir “Nothing’s Sacred”, and by the time the girl whose seat I was filling came back, she was shoo’ed to another table by my new comedy uncles.  We sat back and riffed on Andy Dick and the other freakshows in front of us, and I have to say, one of the highlights of my life so far is seeing Lewis Black crack up at something I had said.  Nothing is more motivating that knowing that someone whose craft you respect think you’ve got it too.

The Roast ended after 3 hours and I stood up to say goodbye to two of my favorite people, but Dom shook his head and said wait a minute.  He left and came back in a few seconds with 2 passes to the Roast’s afterparty, one for me and one for my friend Meghan who was also seat filling with me.  We all locked arms and headed over to hang out and just shoot the shit for a few hours.

By the end of the night, I had plans the following week to check out Dom doing a set at the Improv and grab dinner to talk comedy.  I got some amazing advice and I don’t think he knows how much that meant, knowing such a prolific comedian would take any kind of notice in me.  I might talk tough guys, but I promise I really don’t have an ego, at all.  I get incredibly insecure because making a living in this crazy world of entertainment is so uncertain and so competitive, but I try to think back on moments like that, where I just KNOW I’m on the right path.

So thanks Pam Anderson, for having boobs that are so big someone spent millions for comedians could make fun of them for 2 hours.

Anyway.  The Bob Saget Roast.  Someone get me in.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen my buddies.  Plus I’d really like to grab Dave Coulier’s ass.

Midgets and Tattoos… what else is there to write about?

So, once again I’m under the gun on an assignment…  life gets really hectic when you work in production and you try to balance any kind of semblance of a life, let alone a creative career of your own.  So, this week I give you my Top Ten List assignment from last week’s writing workshop, since these aren’t for a Letterman packet and they’re not going to be relevant in a few weeks anyway.  I promise next week you guys will get a fun story, right now time is just way too tight for me to write something that I would consider blog-worthy for you…  so hopefully these entertain you for the moment.

 Top 10 Reasons Verne Troyer Does Not Want You To See His Sex Tape:

10.  he had just gotten home from filming Dunston Check In 2, and doesn’t want you to think he’s a furry

9.  his girlfriend is a beautiful woman, and no one wants to see THAT naked.

8.  the mini-me pun’s have been old for almost a decade.

7.  one word: tripod.

6.  one word: tripod.  for the camera.  he’s embarassed of the poor production quality.

5.  in the video his girlfriend tosses him in the air like a child.  he does not want you to think this is ok.

4.  he’s really 5′9″, he just wears a little man suit

3.  unflattering angles

2.  he doesn’t want Mike Myers to get another film idea.  ever.

1.  his apartment is a mess

::cue Paul Schaffer and his creepy baldness::

The second list requires a small set up.  Last week the website http://www.toothartist.com/ launched…  they are a new company that tattoos people’s teeth…  and David Letterman is one of the examples. 

Creepy, right?

Top Ten Reasons Tattooing David Letterman On Your Tooth Is A Bad Idea: 

10.  At your grandmother’s funeral, it will be mildly inappropriate.

9.  It makes Dave extremely uncomfortable.

8.  In your imminent divorce trial, your wife will cite your tooth as an irreconcilable difference.  The judge will agree, and give her all your money.

7.  You really want to look at his mug every day?  Really?

6.  It looks like a cavity, but you PAID MONEY for it.

5.  Dave hates your mouth.
4.  Ever think about giving the honor to Brendan Fraser instead?

3.  Someone with a gap like Dave’s should not be involved in any kind of dental work.

2.  All you eat is chicken salad.  And Dave HATES chicken salad.

1.  You look like an idiot.

When It Rains, It Really Pours

Something you should know about me: I love Elvis Presley. Hence the title of this post, after one of my favorite songs of his. If you haven’t seen it, go out and rent his 1968 Comeback Special, it’s fantastic. Even if he’s been dead for decades, he still makes me weak in the knees. I’ve read every book that’s ever crossed my path about the guy, and I just love him to death. Hell, I even love his MOVIES, which is saying a lot if you’ve ever seen an Elvis flick. I identify with the guy, albeit on a MUCH smaller level… I might be creative, but I don’t really think I’ll be revolutionizing the world anytime soon. But this week is definitely feeling overwhelming, a bunch of my projects are hitting me at once.

Last week I started a topical comedy writing workshop and I’ve got 2 “Top Ten” lists due tomorrow… plus I’m about 7 pages from finishing my comedy pilot with my writing partner… and I had an idea the other night for a comedy sketch I want to shoot about Kat Von D, of LA Ink fame.

Think I can pull her off? THIS is how I spend my Saturday nights… alone in my apartment drawing stars on my face. I don’t think I’m too far off, minus the whole brown eyes/tattoo’ed thing.

Not to mention I promised myself this week I’m going to try to get back onstage to do some more standup. I’ve been feeling the itch lately. But none of these things are PA related… so on to that.

Guess who worked on a set for FIB’s very own Brian Trenchard-Smith this weekend? That would be moi. That morgue he’s been writing about? It’s pretty awesome…. almost as awesome as the man himself! I won’t gush too much, but it was a really great set to work, watch and observe on, my favorite kind… small, intimate, hardworking crew that moves quickly but is also laid back. BTS has definitely got a heart for the young filmmaker too, letting me sit on some of the takes and watching him work up close. I haven’t actually been around a real director in a while, so it was a nice change to watch someone who has a mastery and genuine love of their craft work up close and personal. So I really, truly thank him for to opportunity.

Alright, I need to cut it short kiddos , my brain is dead today. Maybe I’ll go make a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. And wear a wig.

Next Page »