When It Rains, It Really Pours

Something you should know about me: I love Elvis Presley. Hence the title of this post, after one of my favorite songs of his. If you haven’t seen it, go out and rent his 1968 Comeback Special, it’s fantastic. Even if he’s been dead for decades, he still makes me weak in the knees. I’ve read every book that’s ever crossed my path about the guy, and I just love him to death. Hell, I even love his MOVIES, which is saying a lot if you’ve ever seen an Elvis flick. I identify with the guy, albeit on a MUCH smaller level… I might be creative, but I don’t really think I’ll be revolutionizing the world anytime soon. But this week is definitely feeling overwhelming, a bunch of my projects are hitting me at once.

Last week I started a topical comedy writing workshop and I’ve got 2 “Top Ten” lists due tomorrow… plus I’m about 7 pages from finishing my comedy pilot with my writing partner… and I had an idea the other night for a comedy sketch I want to shoot about Kat Von D, of LA Ink fame.

Think I can pull her off? THIS is how I spend my Saturday nights… alone in my apartment drawing stars on my face. I don’t think I’m too far off, minus the whole brown eyes/tattoo’ed thing.

Not to mention I promised myself this week I’m going to try to get back onstage to do some more standup. I’ve been feeling the itch lately. But none of these things are PA related… so on to that.

Guess who worked on a set for FIB’s very own Brian Trenchard-Smith this weekend? That would be moi. That morgue he’s been writing about? It’s pretty awesome…. almost as awesome as the man himself! I won’t gush too much, but it was a really great set to work, watch and observe on, my favorite kind… small, intimate, hardworking crew that moves quickly but is also laid back. BTS has definitely got a heart for the young filmmaker too, letting me sit on some of the takes and watching him work up close. I haven’t actually been around a real director in a while, so it was a nice change to watch someone who has a mastery and genuine love of their craft work up close and personal. So I really, truly thank him for to opportunity.

Alright, I need to cut it short kiddos , my brain is dead today. Maybe I’ll go make a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. And wear a wig.

RIP George Carlin

So I don’t know how much sass or snark you are going to get out of my this week… the serious side of Brandie is one I don’t think I’ve tapped into on here for you yet… but one of the greatest comedians to ever grace a seedy, dimly lit stage in a smoke filled room is no longer with us. I’m speaking of course, of Mr. Conductor himself, George Carlin.

I won’t get sappy and talk about how hearing he was gone was like a punch to my gut, how losing him felt a little like losing an uncle you always wished you had gotten to know better but always thought you would have the time for, how it immediately made every other aging comedian I love glaringly, terrifyingly mortal… that kind of sentimental hogwash wouldn’t go over with him, and I certainly don’t want to shit all over his memory just yet… I’ll leave that up to the news stations who are already putting together touching tributes to a man who giddily called out their every hypocritical flaw and Puritanical witchhunt.

I can’t honestly say that I’ve even seen every HBO special he’s done, nor do I have entire bits of his memorized… but I know what an influence he was on so many other comics that I know and adore, and how they might not have had the courage to find their voices without him, and I wouldn’t be nearly as articulate as I am without them, and him in turn. I have such a love affair with comedy, for people who dedicate their whole lives to perfecting and constantly giving the greatest gift you can give another person - laughter. And, in Carlin’s case and in that of many others, if you can make people think a little too, then all the better.

I grew up in Severna Park, MD - a small town outside of DC where everyone’s parents are white, conservative and spies. I’m not kidding, about 75% of my friends’ parents work for the government in one way or another… my own Aunt recently retired from NSA and hasn’t been able to tell us anything she’s been doing there for the last 20 years. So as a kid growing up, my view of the world was very sheltered, very safe, very restrained… appearances were to be kept up, at all cost. But in that white picket fence world, I remember watching George Carlin with my Dad, and although I didn’t understand everything and I wasn’t allowed to repeat 90% of it, I remember my father’s belly laugh, followed by the nod of recognition to the bullshit in the situations Carlin was peddling. I learned through Carlin’s comedy and those he’s inspired over the years, that people make mistakes and can be hateful and horrible bigots… but we can also change if we open ourselves to the possibility.

I’m going to stop now, because I feel like somewhere in hell he’s sharpening a pitchfork for me because I’m trying to lay so much meaning on a few silly, simple jokes.

But fuck you George Carlin, you cocksucker. You’re a hero even if you don’t want to be, you asshole. God rest your motherfucking soul.

Oh yeah, and eat shit.

American Idiots

Most of the time when PA’s get together, we tend to compare battle scars from sets of the past. Like the homeless ‘Nam vet outside my apartment screams everytime I hurry past, “You weren’t THERE, man! You don’t KNOW!”. My roommate, Sue, who now works in the Music Industry, has a tale that really gives a whole new meaning to the term “war stories”… working on the Green Day “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” music video, she was accused of being a terrorist!

This is Sue. A skinny, 5 foot tall Asian with emo glasses. I feel like the worst thing she could do would be forcing people to listen to Saves The Day and Bad Religion on loop (welcome to my personal hell).

“American Idiot”, Green Day’s latest album and gasping death rattle of street cred, shot the followup single to the title song in an airplane hanger at LAX. Funny thing about airports post-9/11… security is a big issue. You might have realized this while waiting in line for an hour because a little old lady is getting felt up for bobby pins in front of you. Anyway, Sue was told to go get pizza for Green Day and she went to the front of the hanger, where she was told a shuttle would come by. After 10 - 15 minutes of waiting, a car finally pulled up, but it was airline police who started grilling her on whether or not she had touched the airplane or put something on the airplane. They didn’t know why else she would be there… I guess the music video going on behind her didn’t give any clues. They picked her up and escorted her back to set, and basically stopped production because they needed to confirm she was who she said she was and was supposed to be there. When they finally figured out she wasn’t Osama Bin Laden’s girlfriend, they left her alone…

But Green Day still had no pizza. And because she didn’t do her job, she was told she could go home. Bullshit, yes. But it’s easier to blame problems on PA’s and its a lot easier than a higher up actually having to assume responsibility for their own mistakes.

And my WWII Sergeant Grandfathers thought they had it rough fighting the Nazis. Psh.

“Someday, I’ll get you, John Stamos!”

Tom Cruise dates his male personal trainers.  Will Smith gives one of the best BJ’s in town.  If you book Priscilla Presley, she will demand that NO ONE on set mention Elvis… and if your name happens to be Elvis, she will have you banned from her presence!  Oh whispered rumors on the sound stages of  Hollywood.  And these are just that, rumors…  so don’t sue me!  Unless you want a beat up ‘98 Ford and a few tacky belt buckles, because that’s about all I’ve got.  Here’s a rumor you can start about me:  I’m awesome.  Although that one is more of a fact.  Regardless, I can’t tell you how many of my relatives call and ask for “insider gossip from the front lines”… being a PA is probably one of the better positions for this kind of trivial crap too, because most people don’t really watch what they say in front of you, because you’re “just” a PA.  Mmm, I love hubris and all its glaring, glaring errors.

But I’ve been hearing a lot of rumors lately about my absolute favorite Hollywood man putting the moves on young ladies, and I want them to stop, because they are just NOT true!  And who might my #1 gentleman be?  The star that I prefer to work with abover all stars?  The one, the only: Jerry Springer.

Stop rolling your eyes, I saw that!  Think what you will about his body of work, but Jerry is probably the best  celebrity I have ever worked with on a set and I’ll knife fight anyone that says different!  I was his personal PA on Thank God You’re Here about a year and a half ago and it’s been a hard day of work to beat ever since, it was a blast!

Basically when you work as a Talent PA, you get paid to babysit/entertain/walk/get food for your “talent”.  I ended up talking about Full House for 3 hours with the former mayor of Cincinnati.  You see, he has it out for John Stamos… he broke his daughter’s heart.

When Full House was taping in LA and his daughter was young, he flew her out with him to see a taping of the show so she could meet her first love, Mr. Jesse Katsopolis (or Jesse Cochran if you’re watching the first season…  not that I am quasi-religious about Full House or anything.  …).  Anyway, so he introduces his little daughter to Stamos, who signs her an autograph that says something along the lines of “When you get older, will you marry me?”  Adorable?  Yeah.  Kind of creepy?  Also yeah.  A bad idea because a fragile young girl will take that to heart?  You bet.  That is, until Daddy Jerry has to be be the bad guy and tell you that you most likely will NOT become Mrs. Jake In Progress.  It devestated the little lady and Jerry’s had it in for Stamos ever since.

That might have to be my absolute favorite story from someone else, ever.  Seriously though, he was an absolute  joy to work with!  He was funny, humble and made fun of himself and his show a lot…  he kept calling it dumb, but if that’s what the people wanted, who was he to say no?  It was pretty refreshing, after having to fawn over bitchy Chelsea Handler not long before…  someone should tell her to pull the stick out of her ass, unless that’s research for her next “comedy” book.

Jerry did his comedy bit for the show and then had to fly back to Chicago for more tapings, but not before telling me I had been the highlight of his day…  that, in turn was the highlight of MY year.

Interesting Springer Fact:  The Jerr-Bear only flies on private planes.  This is not because he is a diva though, this is because whenever he walks through airports, he is constantly haunted by the “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” chant…  he told me it follows him everywhere.  I personally feel bad for when he passes away, because I feel like even in death he will not be able to escape gaggles of crazy rednecks littering Bud Light cans on his grave and chanting for parapalegic transexual furries to make out with their mothers.

But for some reason, I’ve talked to a few people lately who have made some crazy claims about J-Spring coming on to girls they knew.  And that’s just bullshit, because if the man didn’t hit on ME, then seriously, forgeddaboutit.  I happen to be irresistable.  He was a perfect gentleman and I hope we get to work together again someday.  I would like to develop a secret handshake.

And that’s my final thought.  Take care of yourselves.