Creepy Creepy Carradine

I would like to recount a story that happened to me and some friends recently.  It’s not directly Production Assistant related, but it trumps pretty much every celebrity encounter I’ve had so far because it is so creepy, so I felt the need to share.  Here is a small play about the encounter:

EXT.  Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre - Night

Bianca, Kyle and Brandie stand in line for a comedy show when they see none other than Mr. Kung Fu Kill Bill himself: DAVID CARRADINE, emerge stumbling from a nearby sushi place.  He makes eye contact and beelines to them.

His shirt is unbuttoned to an unsettling degree and a medallion hangs out with his old man chest hair.  Brandie is immediately skeeved - this is an encounter that is great in theory, but horrible in practice.

David: What is this line for?
Brandie: A comedy show.
David: What do they do?
Brandie: They interrupt movies.
Bianca: Yeah, all these comedians bring funny movies and they all talk about and make fun of them.
Brandie: You should come.
David: (to Kyle) And what would you be doing if you weren’t standing in this line with these gorgeous ladies?
Kyle:  I work at this store right here so I would be working…
David: No.  That wasn’t the answer I’m looking for. (to Brandie) What would you be doing if you weren’t in line right now?
Brandie: Um… probably sitting at home in sweatpants watching Battlestar Galactica.
David: (to Bianca) And you?
Bianca:  I would probably be with her.
David:  These are not good answers.  You are wasting your youth.
Brandie: Whatever David Carradine, what would YOU be doing if you weren’t here talking to us right now?  Where does your evening go?
David: I’m going to be at home.  In front of my computer.  Painting.
Bianca: Oh, Photoshop?
David: NO.  I use something else.

He tilts his head back, closes his eyes and smiles the perviest smile I have ever seen.

David:  I paint naked ladies.
Brandie: …Oh.
Kyle:  …Oh.
Bianca: …Oh.   Have you ever had an art show?
David: I had one in Beverly Hills once…
Brandie: Are you going to have another one?
David: Maybe…
Bianca: We want to go.
David: Are you going to buy anything?

At this point we discuss with him how we would buy something if we could afford it.  Mostly because all three of us are imagining that David Carradine is making Microsoft Paint Porn, because if he’s not using Photoshop, what else could he be using but Microsoft Paint?

So it stands to reason that all of his art is shitty, 7-color naked ladies, most likely with a lime green or hot pink background - they look like child drawings, because everything you draw in MS Paint looks like a kid drew it.

David:  Let me give you my email address for my next art show.

We give him a pen and paper - he scralls, in barely legible writing his email, hands it to us, then wanders off without another word into the night.

Cue the wooden flute solo.

Brandie looks down at the paper in her hand – It’s an aol.com email address…  so that means he has a screen name.

…Really?  This dude is so 90’s its not even funny.

THE END.

Now readers, this where I need your help.  I have added him to my buddy list and keep staring at his screen name, I have no idea what to say, haha.  Give me a ridiculous question for Mr. Kung Fu Kill Bill, and I will get you an answer.
Until next week!