Hot Tranny Mess!!!!

This weekend was the first brutally hot weekend of the year in LA, which, when you don’t have air conditioning and are kind of poor, limits your options of entertainment.  Why couldn’t this blasted heat wave be next weekend, when I’m planning on watching Indiana Jones 20 times in a row in an air conditioned theatre?  No character in the history of cinema is hotter than Indiana Jones, and if you say otherwise, I will fight you.  That isn’t to say Harrison Ford is the sexiest man alive, because ew, no.  Have you seen Regarding Henry?  It’s like one day he woke up and decided to look like a creepy, grizzled old man.  But Indiana Jones.  Damn.  He gives me the vapors. 

REGARDLESS!  HEAT WAVES SUCK!  I’m going to put it out there right now, if any of my loyal readers:

1. Have a pool
2. Are not a creepshow (unless your name’s Indy, after the dog)

We should hang out, like now.  I will regale you with plenty of crazy non-PA stories, trust me, lots of insane things happen to me when I’m off the job too.  But today’s hellish heat made me think of my wildest PA gig, a music video for Chris Garneau, the song, Relief.  Found a link for the video if you wanna take a look:

http://media.revver.com/broadcast/28227/video.mov/14351

Yep.  There are trannies.  I was thinking about them today because in my neighborhood, when the temperature goes over 100, apparently people forget how to dress like human beings and decide instead to wear soul-shattering hi-cut/low-cut tank tops and booty shorts…  everyone looks like a bad drag queen.  And not in the “fierce tranny hot mess” way that Christian from Project Runway means it.

Relief was shot overnight at a diner on La Cienega with a skeleton crew of 6, me being the only PA.  My job description that night was twofold:

1.        At 4:30 am, go pick up “lunch” for the crew

2.        Watch the trannies like a hawk.  Do not let them drink or do drugs.  They will try.

And try they did.  The big tall one that pees in the women’s bathroom in the video was particularly vexed by me not letting him/her get him/her’s fix for the night.  He/She pouted and sulked and wouldn’t talk to me after I laid down the law.  He/She even laughed at me when I told him/her I don’t drink.  A drag queen laughed…  at me?  I looked back in one of my notebooks and these are the notes I scribbled down about him/her that night:

A transvestite with trackmarks running down his legs sits alone at a seedy diner,

Waiting for his eggs,

Over easy.

Make-up smeared and wig askew, he longs for a drink –

Or something stronger.

He holds a knife on the edge of the counter and flicks it, idly watching it vibrate up and down…

There’s still a child left inside this hulking queen.

Didn’t know you would be getting pretentious poetry this week, did ya?  I’m full of surprises.

But I’ve left out the most awkward part about the whole affair – one of the trannies decided they had a crush on me that night… and it was the ugliest one of the bunch!  How’s THAT for a blow to your ego?  Because seriously, if you can’t even get a decent looking tranny, what CAN you do?  The tranny in question isn’t even shown in the video, all of his/her scene’s were cut!  But I will never forget the tight mesh dress, 5 inch heels, stubbled face and bloodshot eyes, making kissy faces at me.  Believe me, I’ve tried.

“So.  Do you want a boyfriend or a girlfriend?”

“Umm…  I’m fine…”

HOW DO YOU ANSWER THAT?!  Seriously, I feel like either way you’re trapped, that’s so not fair.

It was one of the longest nights I’ve ever had…  I did not want to get into an in depth conversation with a bunch of drag queens.  I was the enforcer, they were the enforced.  Not that I’m judging them though, I don’t want you to think that.  But after being berated for being straight edge by a 7 foot tall man in daisy dukes, I generally conclude that nothing good will come out the interaction.  Just tears.  Manly, manly lady tears.