Creepy Creepy Carradine

I would like to recount a story that happened to me and some friends recently.  It’s not directly Production Assistant related, but it trumps pretty much every celebrity encounter I’ve had so far because it is so creepy, so I felt the need to share.  Here is a small play about the encounter:

EXT.  Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre - Night

Bianca, Kyle and Brandie stand in line for a comedy show when they see none other than Mr. Kung Fu Kill Bill himself: DAVID CARRADINE, emerge stumbling from a nearby sushi place.  He makes eye contact and beelines to them.

His shirt is unbuttoned to an unsettling degree and a medallion hangs out with his old man chest hair.  Brandie is immediately skeeved - this is an encounter that is great in theory, but horrible in practice.

David: What is this line for?
Brandie: A comedy show.
David: What do they do?
Brandie: They interrupt movies.
Bianca: Yeah, all these comedians bring funny movies and they all talk about and make fun of them.
Brandie: You should come.
David: (to Kyle) And what would you be doing if you weren’t standing in this line with these gorgeous ladies?
Kyle:  I work at this store right here so I would be working…
David: No.  That wasn’t the answer I’m looking for. (to Brandie) What would you be doing if you weren’t in line right now?
Brandie: Um… probably sitting at home in sweatpants watching Battlestar Galactica.
David: (to Bianca) And you?
Bianca:  I would probably be with her.
David:  These are not good answers.  You are wasting your youth.
Brandie: Whatever David Carradine, what would YOU be doing if you weren’t here talking to us right now?  Where does your evening go?
David: I’m going to be at home.  In front of my computer.  Painting.
Bianca: Oh, Photoshop?
David: NO.  I use something else.

He tilts his head back, closes his eyes and smiles the perviest smile I have ever seen.

David:  I paint naked ladies.
Brandie: …Oh.
Kyle:  …Oh.
Bianca: …Oh.   Have you ever had an art show?
David: I had one in Beverly Hills once…
Brandie: Are you going to have another one?
David: Maybe…
Bianca: We want to go.
David: Are you going to buy anything?

At this point we discuss with him how we would buy something if we could afford it.  Mostly because all three of us are imagining that David Carradine is making Microsoft Paint Porn, because if he’s not using Photoshop, what else could he be using but Microsoft Paint?

So it stands to reason that all of his art is shitty, 7-color naked ladies, most likely with a lime green or hot pink background - they look like child drawings, because everything you draw in MS Paint looks like a kid drew it.

David:  Let me give you my email address for my next art show.

We give him a pen and paper - he scralls, in barely legible writing his email, hands it to us, then wanders off without another word into the night.

Cue the wooden flute solo.

Brandie looks down at the paper in her hand – It’s an aol.com email address…  so that means he has a screen name.

…Really?  This dude is so 90’s its not even funny.

THE END.

Now readers, this where I need your help.  I have added him to my buddy list and keep staring at his screen name, I have no idea what to say, haha.  Give me a ridiculous question for Mr. Kung Fu Kill Bill, and I will get you an answer.
Until next week!

Hot Tranny Mess!!!!

This weekend was the first brutally hot weekend of the year in LA, which, when you don’t have air conditioning and are kind of poor, limits your options of entertainment.  Why couldn’t this blasted heat wave be next weekend, when I’m planning on watching Indiana Jones 20 times in a row in an air conditioned theatre?  No character in the history of cinema is hotter than Indiana Jones, and if you say otherwise, I will fight you.  That isn’t to say Harrison Ford is the sexiest man alive, because ew, no.  Have you seen Regarding Henry?  It’s like one day he woke up and decided to look like a creepy, grizzled old man.  But Indiana Jones.  Damn.  He gives me the vapors. 

REGARDLESS!  HEAT WAVES SUCK!  I’m going to put it out there right now, if any of my loyal readers:

1. Have a pool
2. Are not a creepshow (unless your name’s Indy, after the dog)

We should hang out, like now.  I will regale you with plenty of crazy non-PA stories, trust me, lots of insane things happen to me when I’m off the job too.  But today’s hellish heat made me think of my wildest PA gig, a music video for Chris Garneau, the song, Relief.  Found a link for the video if you wanna take a look:

http://media.revver.com/broadcast/28227/video.mov/14351

Yep.  There are trannies.  I was thinking about them today because in my neighborhood, when the temperature goes over 100, apparently people forget how to dress like human beings and decide instead to wear soul-shattering hi-cut/low-cut tank tops and booty shorts…  everyone looks like a bad drag queen.  And not in the “fierce tranny hot mess” way that Christian from Project Runway means it.

Relief was shot overnight at a diner on La Cienega with a skeleton crew of 6, me being the only PA.  My job description that night was twofold:

1.        At 4:30 am, go pick up “lunch” for the crew

2.        Watch the trannies like a hawk.  Do not let them drink or do drugs.  They will try.

And try they did.  The big tall one that pees in the women’s bathroom in the video was particularly vexed by me not letting him/her get him/her’s fix for the night.  He/She pouted and sulked and wouldn’t talk to me after I laid down the law.  He/She even laughed at me when I told him/her I don’t drink.  A drag queen laughed…  at me?  I looked back in one of my notebooks and these are the notes I scribbled down about him/her that night:

A transvestite with trackmarks running down his legs sits alone at a seedy diner,

Waiting for his eggs,

Over easy.

Make-up smeared and wig askew, he longs for a drink –

Or something stronger.

He holds a knife on the edge of the counter and flicks it, idly watching it vibrate up and down…

There’s still a child left inside this hulking queen.

Didn’t know you would be getting pretentious poetry this week, did ya?  I’m full of surprises.

But I’ve left out the most awkward part about the whole affair – one of the trannies decided they had a crush on me that night… and it was the ugliest one of the bunch!  How’s THAT for a blow to your ego?  Because seriously, if you can’t even get a decent looking tranny, what CAN you do?  The tranny in question isn’t even shown in the video, all of his/her scene’s were cut!  But I will never forget the tight mesh dress, 5 inch heels, stubbled face and bloodshot eyes, making kissy faces at me.  Believe me, I’ve tried.

“So.  Do you want a boyfriend or a girlfriend?”

“Umm…  I’m fine…”

HOW DO YOU ANSWER THAT?!  Seriously, I feel like either way you’re trapped, that’s so not fair.

It was one of the longest nights I’ve ever had…  I did not want to get into an in depth conversation with a bunch of drag queens.  I was the enforcer, they were the enforced.  Not that I’m judging them though, I don’t want you to think that.  But after being berated for being straight edge by a 7 foot tall man in daisy dukes, I generally conclude that nothing good will come out the interaction.  Just tears.  Manly, manly lady tears.

The Hills Kills My Soul

One of the most interesting parts about living in Hollywood is going out and stumbling across a project shooting when you least expect it. I went out to dinner this week with a few friends from shows I’ve worked on, and went to Magnolia, this restaurant on Sunset Blvd. We were seated three tables down from Zachary Quinto, and I geeked out because he’s going to be the new Dr. Spock in the J.J. Abrams “Star Trek” movie. Seriously, I’m so stoked for it… I’ve always said the first thing I will splurge on when I sell my first script is the “Star Trek: Next Generation” Complete Series Box Set… Oh my God, it was my favorite show as a kid, EVER!! J.J. Abrams better not make a space smoke monster, that’s all I’m saying. If only they had been filming a scene from THAT movie… instead we got to witness firsthand, the “reality” that is shooting “The Hills”.

Now mind you, I’ve never watched the show… I don’t generally believe in glorifying vapid, shallow individuals by giving them a television platform to spread their inane, self-centered chatter. But apparently someone’s watching it… and if it’s you, please STOP feeding the machine. Shows like that make it harder for good, scripted television to get a real chance because they can be done on the cheap. 3 of my 4 favorite shows of last year were cancelled before their 8 episodes had even aired. If you’re drinking a beverage while reading this, pour a little on the ground for my dead homies, “Raines”, “The Winner” and “Andy Barker, P.I.”.

I know the debate has been raging back and forth on whether “The Hills” a “reality” show or written… so I’m here to set a few things straight. We stayed at the restaurant for 3 ½ hours, and during that time they lit the dinner table for 2 ½ of those hours… with PA’s standing in for the “stars”. There was a Script Supervisor… I couldn’t tell if she had an actual script or just bullet points for the conversation to hit, but she was definitely a Script Supervisor. Oh, and once they started shooting, they cut two or three times to start again. Doesn’t sound like reality to me.

Luckily they didn’t try to silence the restaurant while shooting… I think they would have had a mutiny, everyone was rolling their eyes and hating on the interruption to their evening. Right before they started shooting, Baby Spock and his friend got out of there… good move on their part, wouldn’t want to confuse real actors with no-talent ass clowns who can fit into a size 00 and ignore their soul’s last gasping attempts at maintaining their dignity.

My friends and I made a game of going to the bathroom when it looked like something emotional was about to happen – you got to walk right by the camera rolling, woo! Thank goodness for our attentive waitress, Marissa, who kept the Arnold Palmers flowing. If you see a striped purple and green shirt walking by the camera in a scene where some girl and a guy eat salads and backstab their friends, then that may be me!! I’m like, totally FAMOUS!!

The most riveting part of the whole experience was watching the crew and seeing how bored they were with the whole affair. Even the PA’s were dragging. Seriously, nothing is more fun than working on a project people believe in, or at least one that is about… something. Anything. I’ve worked on a few shows like “The Hills”… there’s a reason that’s in the past tense.

Here’s a video from FunnyOrDie.com that James Franco, Judd Apatow and Mila Kunis did during the strike about The Hills. Kinda gets my point across.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/56c2d6a703

Tune in next week, same Brandie time, same Brandie place.

A Day Off in the Life of Brandie

Quick blog this week ladies and gents, it’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles and I’m going to the zoo! My friend Bianca and I got a couples pass in the mail last week… not because we are a couple, but because it was cheaper than buying year-round passes individually… too bad we get Zoo mail addressed to both of us, and only one membership card, with “couple” written real big on the back. I feel like I need to walk into the park making out with a dude just so I don’t feel like a huge lesbian.

Last night I went to go see Iron Man – it was AWESOME! My on-again-off-again crush on Robert Downey Jr. is back in full swing, even with that Tony Stark cartoon-y facial hair. I’d put it right up there with Spiderman 2 and X Men 2, my other two favorite comic book movies. RDJ can go from smug to vulnerable in 5 seconds flat, I love watching that man act the pants off of a role. Stay through the credits, if not just to give his personal trainer a round of applause, but also for the teaser AFTER the credits… all the comic book geeks around us were screaming about it and high fiving, it was hilarious.

This is my first weekend to myself in a while where I’m not working or taking a class or workshop, so I’m enjoying it by getting out. In this industry, when you get free time, you live it up to the fullest because it doesn’t happen often. 14 hour days kind of make you disappear off the map for a bit to your friends and family, but there are ways to stay in touch. I’m a big fan of snail mailing things to people, since no one ever gets good mail except for birthday or Christmas cards. I feel like the only reason we buy things off the internet is so we’ve got more in our mailox than just bills. I’ve started a game with my friend Louis where we mail the most random high school senior picture we can find of people from our class back and forth to each other.

And whenever I’m stuck in traffic (which is ALWAYS), I’m usually making phone calls back east to people. My poor iPod doesn’t really get much play unless it’s too late and people are sleeping, or I’ve got new music that I’m dying to check out… like right now I’ve been listening to Private (http://www.myspace.com/weareprivate), this pop group from Denmark that my friend turned me on to… go check them out if you like Prince or early Michael Jackson, I’m obsessed. The best part is they all dress like crazy Goths, but they have this awesome catchy pop music, it makes no sense. The lead singer looks like Crispin Glover. I’ve got their full album, (imported it from Hong Kong because it’s $61 in America as an import, and only $20 if I import it MYSELF… explain that one), leave a comment and I’ll burn you one if you want. I want them to get big in the US so they will come here and tour!

Anyway, I’m rambling with no real point other than I HAVE THE DAY OFF! So why am I writing to you? Peace out, cub scouts.

THE PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

Brandie Posey moved to Hollywood in January 2007 and has been working steadily as a PA ever since. She has worked on numerous television, film and music video productions including: “Deal or No Deal”, “House M.D.” “American Inventor” & “Hot Guys who cook”.

 

Her ultimate career goal is to be a comedy writer and producer, and knows deep down in her heart that getting coffee for high strung executives will get her there someday.