Decorating my boss’s house for sex…

I wake up to my alarm and all I want to do is go back to bed. But it is after 2 p.m. now (by the time I snooze a few times) and Chloe had texted me to start arranging everything by 3. 

I start to remove the flowers from my tub. I put on more Band-Aids from the damn rose thorns than you can imagine (I even had to run to the corner store to buy more). I make twenty-six trips from my bathtub to my car (yes, you read that correctly – twenty-six).

Finally, at almost 4 p.m., I arrive at my boss’s house. (Transferring flowers from my tub to my car takes longer than you’d think.) Chloe has whisked Dean away, so I am free to decorate their house with rose petals and azaleas for the next two hours.  

She tells me to look in her lingerie drawer (the third drawer from the bottom in her second (of three) walk-in closets) for a detailed list of where to toss each petal. I don’t know what’s weirder – setting the scene for my boss’s night of sex with his wife… or going into my boss’s wife’s lingerie drawer (and with her prompting, no less). But I do as I’m told and find all kinds of contraptions in there (like leather bras – how do you even get that on – or keep it on; it seems so uncomfortable – and those fur-trimmed handcuffs you see in the window at Hustler but wonder who actually buys them; now we know). Does she do this kind of stuff (like when she pulled down her underwear the other day, remember?!) just to get a reaction from me? Hmm.  

I turn on the stereo and drag all the flowers inside, oblivious to the puddles of water from the melted ice that trail my every move around the house. It’s like I am in Hansel and Gretel and the drops of water are my breadcrumbs; only, this fairytale is much, much worse.  

About forty-five minutes into decorating their bedroom and Jacuzzi tub with flowers and candles (she left a bunch of these in her lingerie drawer, too), I get an urgent text from Chloe, asking me if I got the condoms. Shit. I forgot… I guess I should leave and run down the street for them, although she wanted me to leave the candles burning for at least at hour, so their scent would be fragrant enough by the time they get home – and I haven’t even lit them yet (and I am running behind, due to all my alarm-clock snoozing before).

So I light a few candles as I debate whether to get the condoms now… or finish “decorating” first (which, oddly enough, is kind of fun; I start to wonder if I could quit this personal assistant job and become a “sex decorator,” instead). If I am gone too long and they come back early, before I’m finished decorating, I am screwed… and if I do finish decorating and they get back early to screw sans condoms, I am screwed… Hmm… Any thoughts?