Much “To Do” About Nothing

Hi. I’m Avery. Yes… just like the label. I know, I know – what parents would name their kid after a name brand office supply? None that I know of (although if you were, too, I would love to hear from you; perhaps we could even start our own “Kids Named After Office Supply Brands” club; anyone out there named “Hewlett-Packard”?). Anyway, my one-of-a-kind, often-misspelled name aside, I’m here to talk about being a personal assistant in Hollywood – something I’ve done for nearly a decade. Like those Hollywood celebrity bus tours, showing you houses like Madonna’s and Lucille Ball’s, I’ve taken a personal assistant tour (only, working inside some of those houses), working for a film producer one year (or a few months, as it turned out), a novelist/chef the next. I know the celebrity tour sounds like more fun, but you’d be surprised at how entertaining the personal assistant to celebrities tour could be, as well –- especially since it allows you to get a backstage pass to your boss’s life that no one else gets. And you actually get to get off the bus and go inside. (Sometimes, this is a drawback, but we’ll get to that another week.)

I always say being a personal assistant is like being a doctor… almost. You are on call 24/7… for about 1/100th of the salary. But it’s not about the money, right? Right. So why do it?

A few perks include:

Travel - I’m not talking about driving across town, from Hollywood to Santa Monica; rather, I’m talking about flying – and to pretty cool locations.

Driving the boss’s cool, $100,000 car - which is usually a thousand times cooler than your own.

Food - assuming your boss says to help yourself to whatever’s in their fridge; and, assuming you are hungry (which assistants usually are).

Casual appearance - Yep, you don’t have to get up early to take a shower like those agent trainee friends of yours. You also don’t have to get up early to iron your clothes - you can wear pretty much whatever you want; hell, you can even throw on some clothes from the hamper. This is true most of the time, except for the occasional press junket or black tie event you’ll have to attend.

Contacts - Your boss’s friends and business associates – and their assistants - become yours.

Own hours - Depends on the boss, but many give you “x” number of tasks to do by a certain day/time, so as long as you do them, you have all the free time you want.

Alone time - No bogus office politics or bitchy co-workers to deal with. And down time to work on your screenplay/reel/other personal things you’d rather be doing (and I mean your personal things).

Pay - Usually almost double what your agency and production assistant friends are making; depends on experience and the level of “celebrity” you are assisting, of course.

Being promoted - if your boss sees you as more than a chauffeur or dry-cleaning-picker-upper.

Fun - if you like all – or most – of the above.

While a few non-perks include:

Travel - This time, I am talking about when “travel” means driving across town – especially in rush hour; it is no longer so fun.

Driving your boss’s cool, $100,000 car - but the fear of getting even the slightest scratch on it could cause you much anxiety and require that you get a prescription for Xanax.

Food - if your boss says eat whatever you want, only it’s everything you don’t want, such as “wheat meat.”

Own hours - but on call 24/7, just in case your boss has a thought or question, or needs you to run to their house at 11 p.m. on a Saturday night to screw that tiny little screw back into their sunglasses (which they should not even be wearing at 11 p.m. on a Saturday night, anyway).

Alone time - You know your agent trainee friends, the ones who have to get up early to take showers and iron their clothes, so they look like their agent bosses? The bonus of their serious agency, 7a.m.-7p.m. or 9a.m.-9p.m. jobs is that they actually get to interact with many other assistants all day, both in person and on the phone. You don’t get to do this as much. Hence, you may not meet as many people (you can; you just have to try harder; suggestions on how to do this another time).

Pay - No matter how much you are paid, the cost of being on call 24/7 sometimes outweighs the monetary benefit. Sometimes.

Not being promoted - Many celebrities/writers/etc. don’t promote their assistants unless they have their own production company or someplace to promote them to… and, usually, they don’t promote personal assistants like you because you are just too good at your job and they don’t want to lose you in that role.

Doing “personal” errands - Personal means personal - and the definition of “personal” is different to every boss. We will get very into this.

So, in a nutshell, those are the pluses and minuses (I am sure I will think of more). And, no, despite my overflowing assistant resume, I don’t want to be a career personal assistant. Do any of us really want to be career assistants out here…? I didn’t think so. (Not like there’s anything wrong with wanting to be one; I just don’t know many… or any.) I want to be a writer. Actually, I am a writer; just not always a paid one. And this blog will tell the tale of how I balance my personal assistant life with my personal one. I will relay what I would have (and would have not) done differently in given situations, and so forth. And next time, we will peek into my life, the life of a personal assistant. Until then…