In 2000 Laurie fell in love with a talented screenwriter (FIB blogger Joe Gazzam) and officially married into the industry in May of 2006. She is currently “working for the man” at a reputable investment management company in Human Resources.

We have fun imagining what it might sell for, and what we will do with the money.  It’s like winning the lottery, only with much better chances of winning!  And I can’t help but tell family and friends that so of course that ups the stakes a little.

This week has also made me think about my role as his spouse, and I realized it’s a varied one!  The way I see it, I am a:

Therapist:  Several times a month I am afraid Joe will go postal.  Probably because he says he is going to go postal.  I have to remember not to put too much pressure on him – writers beat themselves up over things that are out of their control, so there is no point in piling on.  And as we all know, writers get “blocked” and occasionally get into “funks.” It’s my job as his spouse to get him out of them.

Script Reader:  I am usually among the first and final eyes for his scripts.  Also under this category fall:  Proofreader, Spellchecker, and Fact-Checker  (“um…babe?  Most people can’t really type 200 words per minute…you might want to make that a tad more delievable.”) And from time to time I have to put my acting chops to task and read his
work out loud.  It’s helpful for Joe to hear his pitch or scripts read out loud.  The more I get into the characters the  better.

Creative Consultant:  I’m not sure this is the right term, but requests like, “Hey - can you think of some really gruesome ways to be killed for me?” are not uncommon.  Most of the time these requests are fun…but I always realize how hard this is when every idea I think of are things that have already been done.  Which is why I can think of it.

Accountant:   We incorporated a while ago, and I am officially the Secretary…the bill payer and account wrangler.   Joe’s creative – he has absolutely no interest in balancing checkbooks.  And I love it, so huzzah!

Masseuse:  De-stressing is a big part of my job.  Neck rubs, back rubs, it’s all necessary to keep the calm.

Cook:  This includes reheating dinner because of daily status calls with his agent or managers which inevitably occur as I am putting dinner on the table.

Personal Assistant:  I scan things, make appointments, do last minute faxes, etc.  I guess spouses would do these things anyway, but I find myself doing anything and everything I can to further his career.

Joe and I have a good balance; I think he would also say we are perfectly suited to our roles.  I’ll keep you posted on the script sale…I’ve got to go and keep planning on how we will spend all that money… : )

And yet, my husband can do just that.  We have a game where we flip through movies on TV and he guesses what year it was made.  He is never wrong.  He can also tell you the writer, director, producer, and studio for most produced films.   He’s the first to admit he can’t remember what he had for dinner last night, but what was Johnny Depp’s first movie?  “DUH, ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street.”

It’s fascinating.  I thought he was a freak of nature until my first lunch with his writer cronies.  They could ALL do it!  They completely geeked out for an hour and hotly debated movie after movie after movie.  Particularly spirited debates would end only after one of them (or all of them) would
pull out their Blackberry to produce IMBD proof.

Even though I retain maybe 25% of these movie stats, I still know WAY more than most of my friends and co-workers.  So I get to be a subject matter of sorts in my own right, which makes me feel cool.   I even used the term “set piece” in a conversation this week.  I rode that high for hours.

So even though I have to constantly remind my husband what plans we have this weekend (or even tomorrow), I think it’s an equitable swap for the coolness quotient.  I’ll have to make sure I don’t get a big head.

1.    You get to be your spouse’s muse.  Which you gotta admit – male or female, sounds pretty glamorous.  (It also means you share in the credit of their successes!)

2.    You get the best of both worlds.  Even if you don’t have the cajones/backbone/writing talent (insert adjective here) to do their job, you still get to live vicariously through your spouse and share in the excitement of Hollywood.

3.    You get to brag to your coworkers about whom your spouse had a meeting with, is working with, or was even just in the elevator with.  Trust me – we in the rest of the world get VERY excited about these things!

4.    Your paycheck is the same every month.  Yeah, my husband’s blog is the one that states, “Day jobs are for chumps.”  But he sure doesn’t seem to mind when my paycheck gets deposited.   A little financial stability cannot be underestimated.  Consistency GOOD.

5.    Behind every good man (or woman) is their spouse – and everyone knows that.

6.    Your partner is an artist…it’s exotic! …it’s creative! …it’s noble!  It’s better than telling your parents he/she is unemployed!

7.    When they accept their Oscar you get to lay on the guilt trip if they forget you in their thank you speech.  You can milk that for years!  (Just ask Hilary Swank)

8.    Having a non-industry spouse makes your spouse appear genuine.  How cool was it when you heard that George Clooney is dating a teacher or that Matt Damon married a waitress?  So you’re doing your spouse a favor, really.

9.    For those of you married to an actor, writer, director, or any other emotional-rollercoaster job, you put up with a lot.  Your space in heaven is guaranteed!

10.    Your non-profit, clothing line, cosmetic line, or other venture has a good shot at success.  Laurie David would agree.

Bonus:  You get to see movies at the Guild theatres for free  : )

No, it isn’t “How old are you,” “How much do you weigh,” (though that’s a VERY close second), or even “So when are you guys going to have babies?”  It’s…“So, what do YOU do?”

For most people in Hollywood, answering this question requires very little effort and even less anxiety. You simply state your titillating and important-sounding title: Actor, Writer, Director, etc, which then conjures up images of grandeur and opulence.  But for the “non-industry” person, this question induces a stomach-wrenching stress that rivals the feeling of shoving your hand into a garbage disposal while someone has their finger on the power switch.

Ughhh…here we go again. “Well, I work in Human Resources for a large financial company that spe…”  And, POOF! Like magic, they’re gone. They can’t get away fast enough.

Oh, alright…clearly a lot of this anxiety is just in my head. All of Hollywood is not shunning me because I don’t hold a job in “The Industry.”  I’m not less important than anyone else in the room at that given moment. But sometimes it feels that way, and unless there is another non-industry person at the dinner table that night to talk to (read: commiserate with), the struggle officially begins right then…trying to keep up with the conversation by nodding knowingly about that exec who everyone knows is crazy, lauding the attributes of this director, lamenting the state of the industry today, etc.

Some nights I’m really good at this.  I hold my own and offer some brilliant insight. But other nights I desperately want to crawl into the fetal position under the table and chew on my hair until it’s time to go home.

And so I dedicate this blog to all of the non-industry spouses and partners like me… it’s a jungle out there and we are just visiting. I’m here for you! I’ll try to share some tips and insight for living in this crazy world. And some days maybe just a bit of humor.

Well, I’ve got to get back to work on my TPS reports now…I keep forgetting to put cover sheets on them and my boss is pissed.