And so we find ourselves in the doldrums of August. People say that this summer is slower than most due to the SAG demi-strike or whatever-the-hell this whole SAG thing is that’s hanging over our heads. (I’m still too strike-weary to inquire further. Besides, actors are not my concern. We lit people occupy. . . loftier regions.) But the truth is that August is ALWAYS slow. In fact, I think it’s “slow” for more of the year than it’s “normal,” which leads me to think that we should remark when business is “fast,” as opposed to the lackadaisical norm.

In fact, let’s take a look at a typical industry calendar. I think it’ll be illuminating.

 JANUARY

• January 1 – New Year’s!! Woohoo!! Party!! WHEN HARRY MET SALLY!! Takes at least one week just to recover from the hangover, which brings us to. . .
• January 7 – Barely even two weeks before Sundance, which means we have to spend all our time packing, planning, registering online. . . and complaining about having to engage in these three activities. Which brings us to. . .
• January 20-ish – Sundance! That most frenzied, orgiastic of festivals! Nothing other than drinking, hobnobbing, and the occasional taking-in of a boring movie to be accomplished during this period. And when we get back we need at least a few days to adjust to the change in air pressure, which leads us to. . .

 FEBRUARY

• February 2^nd – Groundhog’s Day! Okay, so even the development world is not so brazen as to claim to celebrate Groundhog’s Day. In fact, February marks the beginning of the “post-Sundance” work period, when things go from “normally slow” to “reluctantly fast.”
• Valentine’s Day – At this point the typical D-Boy or D-Girl has hunkered down, using “work” as an excuse for his or her failed love life, a nice little ploy that sets the pace for the long stretch of work ahead. . . .

 MARCH

• Still working. Grumble, grumble. In like a lion, out like a lamb my ass.

 APRIL

• Still effing working. This is the point at which people start to claim fatigue and take numerous sick days to “recover.” Even though April isn’t rainy in L.A., it still feels like it. . . .

 MAY

• This begins the May Gray/June Gloom period—traditionally the worst weather in L.A. And at this point we’ve been working for (gasp) three straight months! Most people are hobbling by the time we get to. . .
• Memorial Day – Hotdogs! Beer! Movies? Fine, whatever. . . . NO MORE WORK FOR A WHILE!! WOOHOO!!

 JUNE

• Our hangover from Memorial Day easily brings us into this gloomiest of months. Despite the cloud cover, at this point it’s summer-time. (Even though June 21^st is the official start of summer, everyone knows that Memorial Day is the *cultural* start of the summer season.) Back to goofing off!!

 JULY

• July 4^th - If we hadn’t started goofing off on Memorial Day, we certainly have by now! More hotdogs! More beer! More big, dumb movies!

 AUGUST

• Yup, still goofing off. Whee!! Anyone got a Slip ‘N’ Slide?!

 SEPTEMBER

• Labor Day – Crap. Summer’s over. Still feels like the beginning of school, even though we’re all in our 20s (30s? 20s). Again, while summer isn’t technically over till September 22^nd, everyone knows, alas, that Labor Day is the *cultural* end of the summer season. But until that dreaded Tuesday after Labor Day, the Labor Day Weekend represents the final hurrah. Hurrah!
• Toronto Film Festival – Wait! There’s still something to pretend we have to go to, which will allow us to hold off working! YES!!
• Rosh Hashanah – This *is* a very Jewish industry, after all. Even if we’re not Jewish, rites must be observed. . . .

 OCTOBER

• Yom Kippur/Columbus Day – Atonement, small pox, whatever. We still get a few extra days off!!
• Somewhere around the beginning of October is when even the most devotedly procrastinatory among us can no longer keep up the pretense. Thus we enter our second work period of the year.
• Hallowe’en – A brief respite from work? You betcha! BOO!

 NOVEMBER

• Pre-Thanksgiving – Sigh. FINE. We’ll try to get some work in here before the holiday.
• Thanksgiving – All this tryptophan can only mean one thing: NO WORK!! WOOHOO!!

 DECEMBER

• Bring it, Santa! Light a Hannukah candle! School is OUT!!!! The mere thought of work is laughable.

Okay, so I’m being a tiny bit hyperbolic with this account of the entertainment industry’s work calendar. But only a tiny bit. If you look at the broad overview of “on” versus “off” periods, you’ll see that there are two major work periods: 1) February – May; 2) September – November. That’s only six months!! HALF THE YEAR!! And while it’s not like people don’t work in these “off” periods, the culture of the industry, which recognizes these periods as “off,” encourages people to slack, and to be lazy.

So, as we get close to one of these two work periods, take comfort in the fact that it won’t last long. In Hollywood, rest and relaxation is always just around the corner!

Greetings. I am Morpheus. And I know what you’re all thinking:

“Come on, THE MATRIX was ten years ago! Why are you fanboys STILL referencing it??”

To which I have two responses:

1)       Can you believe that THE MATRIX was released almost TEN YEARS AGO?! God I’m old;

2)       I am not a crazed fanboy; my Morpheus reference makes perfect sense, and I’ll explain why.

Morpheus is the teacher, the mentor of the chosen one. Same goes for Obi-Wan. (I realize I’m digging myself even deeper into the geek hole here.) The mentor is never the star of the show. But he’s a whole hell of a lot cooler. Quick, do the “stuck in an elevator” test and tell me who wins: Morpheus or Neo? Obi-Wan or Luke? Dumbledore or Harry? Gandalf or Frodo? (Yes, the geek hole has become a chasm.)

THE MENTOR WINS EVERY TIME.

And that’s essentially what a lit manager is: a mentor, a guide, for his writer client. Technically speaking, we’re not even allowed to negotiate business deals for our clients. It’s illegal. Our official job description is to “help guide the career” of our writer clients as they navigate their way through the trash-strewn, shark-infested waters of Hollywood. Do we negotiate business deals for our clients? Of course! Especially when they don’t have an agent (or even a lawyer). But more on that later. (Much more.)

Mainly though, we function as guides. And often, we end up with much better stories than the talent themselves. As a lit manager I do three things: 1) help a writer get better at screenwriting; 2) get that writer paid for his better screenwriting; and 3) do my best to prevent that writer from getting screwed in numerous (infinite?) ways by the Hollywood system. And doing all this gives me MUCH better elevator stories to tell than the real star of the show. Then again, if you like hearing about caffeine-fueled, bloodshot nights in front of a laptop and the intermingling of bodily fluids, I may be wrong. . . .

As this is my intro blog, I’m going to save the actual stories for another time. I’ll finish with three tidbits. (And who knows, maybe this will become a habit. Good things always come in threes, right?)

Tidbit #1:          Everyone in Hollywood falls into two categories: talent and failed

talent. Those who can’t write/direct/act, produce/represent. Simple as

that.

Tidbit #2:          Of course it’s not as simple as that, since (and I know you won’t believe

me) I’m a rare exception to Tidbit #1. I never wanted to be a writer or director (and please don’t insult me by thinking I may have wanted to be an actor). I just like bossing people around and making angry phone calls.

Tidbit #3:          Morpheus isn’t my real name. (What? I said I’d give you three tidbits and I

only really had two and I have to pee.)

Our Literary Manager is a native East Coaster who actually loves L.A. (No, really!) Mainly he enjoys dressing like a slob and avoiding human contact in his car-pod. Oh, and he actually likes what he does, which is working at a top tier management firm representing writers. They are an interesting breed of people. . . .

 Feel free to e-mail comments and questions.