‘HOT CHICKS WITH DOUCHEBAGS’ CREATOR SUCCOMBS TO MY ADVANCES
December 1, 2008
Recently, there’s been a steady stream of stories about ‘bloggers making good’ or ‘hitting the big time’.
Take, for instance, “I Can Has Cheeseburger” or “Stuff White People Like.” Both are very popular blogs whose creators recently got book deals on top of their site’s insane advertising revenue. To them, I say: Continued success! But let’s face it, the brand can only go so far: website, t-shirts, books… what else? Yes, the site can remain in perpetuity, and Engrish and ‘lol talk‘ can eventually become household terms, but where else can they go? ( OK, fine- the “I Can Has” people have created a virtual empire. And don’t get me wrong, I looove those sites and probably visit them more than I should; they make people happy and serve a purpose, and so by the law of universal success they should do well and their creators should benefit.) But, really, can they go any further, as in transcend the medium?
Now, take “Hot Chicks With Douchebags.” Already an extremely popular site (especially with the Hollywood types,) its creator Jay Louis (aka ‘Douchebag 1′) got the book deal, then a pilot for a TV show, and now development with some VIPs on a film– all centered around the site’s original premise: For some crazy reason, really hot girls always hang out with the biggest douchebags on the planet. I mean, seriously, there’s a million ways to slice that turkey, and Jay Louis is doing just that. Like what Malcom Gladwell or that Freakonomics guy do with economic theory, Jay writes intelligent commentary around scant info (in this case, pics) that become stories in themselves. Endless content, I tell you.
Now, lucky me, I just happen to know Jay Louis. He’s an old friend from college who started his blog a few years ago. In fact, I remember a very special weekend with him in Vegas right after he launched the site, excited when he broke a few thousand page views. Instinctively, I knew his idea would take off if he kept at it– and he sure did:)
Soon, Hollywood agents were calling, saying they were huge fans and you guessed it– they signed his ass up. The rest, as they say, is history. My boi hit the big time. (And it started as a hobby! Ya see, Jay’s the kind of guy that loves the ladies sooooo much he never got comfortable with the idea of a certain kind of girl who would never willingly choose to be with him, for whatever reason, and instead hook up with some douchebag.) Because Jay’s a super-smart and talented writer who recently got his master’s degree in Critical Thinking, he was able to add high-brow ridicule to low-brow pics and voila!: Geeks all over the world were like, “You go, Jay!!!!”
Which leads me to my coup: A few months back a partner and I commissioned Jay to write a script for us… And it’s good. Genius of us, right? (To quote Sarah Palin, “You betcha!“) Here’s a guy who’s on the rise, already a famous cewebrity for his writing skillz, and we nabbed him to pen a screenplay just at the right time! It’s all very top-secret at the moment, so I can’t go into details as the project’s in very early development… but I will tell you the script has nothing to do with Jay’s famous blog. The concept is an hilarious modern-day take on a favorite established comedic subject. So yeah, I just wanted to brag/blog about our bagging a popular blogger, which will give our project that extra something special when we’re selling/pitching/producing/what-have-you.
Any other ideas about popular blogs whose creators might have the goods? Promote them in the comments if you dare…
“SYNECDOCHE” PRODUCER ANTHONY BREGMAN ANSWERS MY STUPID QUESTIONS
November 25, 2008
You’d be hard-pressed to find someone, make that anyone, in the film industry who would say a bad word about producer Anthony Bregman. Not only is he great at his job, but he’s also a gem of a guy. (How many producers can you say that about?) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Friends With Money and the recently-released directorial debut of Oscar-winning screenwriter Charlie Kaufman, Synecdoche, are just a few…
Named by Variety as one of the ten “Producers to Watch” in 2002, Ant also teaches film production at Columbia, co-founded NYC prod.co. This Is That with Ted Hope and Anne Carey and was Head of Prod at the legendary Good Machine for nearly a decade (which is where I met him back in ‘97. Ant’s debut producing effort, Love God, was credited with being the world’s first fully digital feature film… and starred your’s truly;) A father of 3 and husband to the amazing Mallaika, Anthony Bregman is now the head honcho at Likely-Story… and remains one of my favorite people on the planet– but not just because he took time out of his sched to answer my “catch-all” questions regarding:
The future of indie cinema:
Tough to say. The long-term is always rosy, because this is a business that has an audience. But in the short term, the challenge is how to reach that audience. The indie distributors seem to have mostly left the business — some against their will and some by their own volition — but the next generation of distributors (both traditional and new media) are still figuring out how to successfully monetize distribution, so they’re still a ways off from making the business work. The immediate future is going to be very rocky — filmmakers always need to be crafty with their filmmaking; now they need to apply some of that craftiness to survival skills.
His producing philosophy:
Listen. Aggressively.
His personal philosophy:
There’s no real need to do anything in life but, if you do choose to do something, make it great.
The rules of filmmaking:
Make the art of it great, and the business of it good.
Words of wisdom:
I’m not a wise person, so I’ll have to quote someone who is — Gustave Flaubert: “Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original in your work.“
His favorite film of all time:
Well, I’ve got two (blame the Italians): The Conformist & 8 1/2.
His favorite book:
That’s easy: Anna Karenina
His advice for young(er) producers:
Find a good mentor.
THE 12 COMMANDMENTS OF MAKING MOVIES
November 18, 2008
Recently I sat down with Pritish Nandy, legendary global mediamaker and one heck of a charming guy. Plastered on his wall were “The 12 Commandments,” according to him. He’d come down off the mountain of moviemaking and delivered the message to his brethren: us… filmmakers. I reprint them here, with commentary.
1. Chase the big IDEA. Any moron can make a big film.
Hey, what’s the big idea? You tell me. Is it a best-selling book for tweens? A musical about a bodily organ repo-man? Is he trying to say that unless you have a “big idea,” don’t make a film? Or just don’t spend too much money on it?
2. There’s nothing called good films. Only hit films and flop films.
Well, there would seem to be millions, if not billions, of people who might disagree with this one. How many of us felt that our lives were changed by a film that wasn’t a box office hit?
3. Give orgasms to your investors, not your actresses.
OK, I like this one– though some might suggest a compromise to get the best of both worlds.
4. Awards are great, but Box Office verdicts last longer.
Here he goes again with the monetary success thing. OK, fine. I will agree that if your film is a success at the box office, it’s much easier to make another one.
5. Dream wet dreams. Don’t fund movies to make them come true.
I’m down with this one, too. Too many wanna-bes make movies for themselves (that they’d want to see) and proceed to shove ‘em down people’s throats, rather than make a film for other people (ie. the audience).
6. There’s only one “God.” He sits in the ticket sales counter.
If you can get by the blasphemy, I think what he’s trying to say here, again, is that it’s mucho importante for the film to do well and make money. (This, coming from a guy whose company is public. He’s got shareholders to answer to, after all.)
7. Don’t try to replicate reality. Challenge it.
What a concept. Ya know, as I get older (and hopefully wiser,) I seem to be falling prey to the idea that movies shouldn’t necessarily portray life as it is, but life as it should be. I guess that makes me an idealist.
8. The best critic is a dead critic. Listen to your viewers.
Dunno about the wishing death upon people, but I see his point. There’s filmmakers who make movies that they’d want to see (megalomaniacs, as mentioned above)– and filmmakers who want critical acclaim, even at the expense of an audience. And finally, there’s filmmakers who make movies for people!
9. Technology’s a dumb bitch. Stick to storytelling.
This reminds me of the old adage “we’ll fix it in post.” The lesson here is “don’t rely on technology.” Style over substance can only take you so far. If your story’s tight, who cares what it looks like. (Ok, I take that back. One should try to make the film look as good as possible, but not at the expense of story.)
10. Don’t expect professionalism. Contract it.
Which is why the lawyers now run this business. However, you can put any damn thing you want in a contract but it’s still not gonna prohibit a drug-addict actor from showing up a day late, or an egomaniac director from throwing a hissy fit.
11. There are no original stories. Only original copies.
Just ask Shakespeare. Though keep in mind, this list comes from a producer in an industry well-known for stealing ideas. Is it true there’s no original ideas, that everything’s been done before? Maybe. (And what hasn’t been done in film yet has probably already happened in real life to someone somewhere.) I forget who it was that said, “The sign of a good artist is one who borrows. The sign of a great artist is one who steals.”
12. Behind every hit director is a tough, son-of-a-bitch producer.
This is probably true. Someone should commission a study on the issue.
Anyone wanna add to the list? Strut your stuff in the comments.
HOW ‘BOUT A HOLLYWOOD BAILOUT?
November 13, 2008
“Film is an asset class that is truly in distress,” said one battle-scarred dealmaker. “Even if I had access to a billion dollars, there would be better things to do out there than expose that capital to the risks of the film business.”
Hollywood seems to be one of the only industries in America that is completely stand-alone, never having needed the government’s help throughout the years. In fact, some may argue that in the past it was the government that’s called on Hollywood for assistance — begging the studio moguls to help drive propaganda efforts during wartime and the like.
But since it looks like every other industry will be getting a bailout from the government during this economic crisis (deficit be damned!), why not throw our hats in the ring?
Film funding the past few years has relied more and more on the diverse financial products the other industries use, and since funding has dried up quite a bit in the entertainment industry… I say it’s time to make our voices heard. There’s no shame asking for a handout when everyone else is doing it, right?
Maybe some of you saw me mentioned as the lead in a story on the cover of the LA Times business section last week. (Trust me, I’d much rather be covered in the press regarding positive advancements for my projects– but alas, the point of the story was how the economic crisis is hitting independents… hard.) If only I’d been developing a film about Obama, it just might have had a chance: “Ed Norton’s Obama Documentary Draws Worldwide Interest”
OK, time for a rant: Elections Have Consequences. After 8 years of: funding without conditions an unnecessary war in Iraq, massively expanding the President’s warrantless eavesdropping powers; immunizing lawbreaking telecoms; enacting the Orwellian Patriot Act and renewing it with virtually no changes; not even bothering to mount a filibuster to stop the Military Commissions Act; refraining from pursuing any meaningful investigations of Bush lawbreaking; confirming every last extremist Bush nominee; the housing crisis, the credit crisis, torture and on and on and on… The era of constitutional abuse, cronyism, ineptitude, incompetence, theocratic aspirations, intolerance, abuse of power, abuse of privacy, etc etc etc is hopefully over–
And it seems fitting that the American people would elect a Senator (and not a Governor or “other”) for the first time since Kennedy whose first name rhymes with Iraq, whose middle name is the name of the dictator we hanged and whose last name rhymes with the name of the terrorist Bush let get away.
America elected the world’s first global President and hats off to us! The sea change in the rest of the planet’s attitude toward the U.S. is mind-boggling. They like us again! And with all the hope for change and goodwill out there right now, I look forward to the future.
In other news:
The American Film Market comes and goes…
If only “Milk” were released BEFORE the Prop 8 showdown…
Germany officially enters a recession. (Welcome to the club.)
Ratings for the 3 network entertainment magazine shows are down by 20%, yet TMZ’s continue to rise… (no link, but was passed the info from a reliable source inside one of the big 3. Seems they’re all freaking out.)
Michael Moore will give his special treatment to the sicko economy…
THIS might become the new standard for indie types to launch projects.
And maybe filmmaking isn’t your bag after all. There’s other ways to be creative and become famous.
America is depressed, so expect to see more fantasy content.
In personal news:
I got home from my trip to India and ya know what was waitin’ for me? The new G1-Phone (Google phone), and I loooove it. (Except for the lame battery life and not yet having figured out how to save incoming numbers into my contacts;)
Also: am looking for a project/script that can be done for under a Mil with a lead female role… something along the lines of a “Maria Full of Grace,” “4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days,” or even a “Run, Lola, Run”… if you have or know of anything, hit me up in the comments.
Differences btwn East and West indie filmmaking
November 2, 2008
I’ve really been out of it lately, and when I say out of it– I mean in the jungles of Kerala, India on the production “Hisss” I helped package.
Besides a whole host of other stuff I will not be blogging about, here’s some crucial differences between Hollywood and Bollywood that should not be overlooked before started a collaborative production:
“Extras” are called Junior Artistes (bonus pts. for knowing the alternative U.S. terms “background artists” and “actor persons.”)
In Bollywood, the ADs have names like Yogi and Swami, and PAs are named Krishna. Actually, the term used for PAs is “spot boy” and they’re more like servants. The same guy asked to dig a ditch will be serving you tea later.
Most Bollywood directors use a microphone and PA system that blasts their direction for miles around. They also seem to be responsible for some script supervising and AD duties. Essentially, directors over here run the set more, and are expected to lead more. In the West, as far as I can tell, everyone’s pretty much kosher with a director who only talks to the DP, actors and a few keys, letting the AD dept. do their job.
No matter what is happening during a shoot day in Bollywood, tea and cookies will still be served. In indie Hollywood or NYC, I guess you can always count on… pizza?
No wonder there’s runaway production in our industry, and outsourcing of US jobs! So many essentials are so much less expensive in the East. Make your 3M movie look like 5-7M or more! Amazing sets that would cost 250K in the US costs 25K here! (But although one can get more prod value for their dollar, or in this case, rupee–and maybe not for too long– with that also comes an increase in chaos, because…
There are people everywhere. (1.2 Billion to be exact.) Huge crews, huge crowds rubbernecking and unfortunately, sometimes making the job of production harder. In Hollywood or NYC, shooting is no big deal to most people; it’s just another day at the office. We’z so jaded.
Set scaffolding is built with bamboo. It’s really quite amazing, and extremely impressive– I’ve even seen large, newly designed buildings being built using bamboo scaffolding.
Of course, there’s the language differences; not just with an English-only loser like me– within India itself are a bunch of different languages. But expect to be impressed when after a few weeks you still can’t communicate verbally but somehow manage to get things accomplished.
In India, just like in Saudi Arabia, non-gay men hold hands when walking down the street. I know, sounds weird at first, but you get used to it after awhile. Gay men do it too, which makes it hard to tell which is which…
Even though India’s had a long, vibrant film history– in many ways a parallel could be made to the wild west of Hollywood’s own Golden Age. The Bollywood scene is bursting, and the filmmaking style itself is rapidly growing and branching out.
Stunts. As a former stuntman myself, I can appreciate the wild abandon of the Indian stunt guys. No pads, no pulled punches, no net! Though keep in mind, most of these people come from a tradition of reincarnation philosophy. If they die, they’ll come back soon enough.
In sum, global filmmaking is the future. Statistics say that by the year 2015, 70% of all entertainment and media revenue will come from Asia. Count me in.
A DAY LATE (AND A DOLLAR SHORT IN THIS ECONOMY;)
October 3, 2008
How time flies. One week I’m on time with my Friday post and the very next week… Fail.
But to forgive is divine, the wise ones say, so let us never speak of it again. Kthx:)
I got a little caught up with another strike in Bollywood. Thankfully this one ended in days. (Take a note, America.)
A film I’m working on that’s currently shooting in India was effected, and a few 3AM calls threw me off my schedy due to that 13 and1/2 time difference and all… (And yes, in this day and age one CAN do business with a handy PDA from anywhere in the world. Global-mobile, baby!– Heck, I just finished a business deal in Dubai– within 5 emails. Next on the list is to produce a slate of films all via PDA while vacationing in Majorca:)
And okay, fine, I admit it. I DO have a VA (Virtual Assistant) who is halfway across the world and does all my grunt work while I’m asleep, ready for me after my morning shower. Yep-yep.
Til next week: All hail Variety’s new HAL blog (Hollywood’s Aggregated Links)!
IT’S THE END OF THE WEEK AS WE KNOW IT
September 25, 2008
(This week’s blog post brought to you by scenechronize, the radically useful software for the indie producer.)
Another week, more preposterousness to report:
- The meltdown continues…
- …And that includes the Emmys.
- But at least one indie production company secured financing.
- Spielberg reaches a quicker-than-anticipated deal with the Indians. My Indian sources say he caved on a few major points, all to secure funding before the US economy got even worse, which could have threatened his deal overall.
- Harvey’s distro deal with MGM gone bye-bye.
- Indie producers and filmmakers should steal a page from Apatow by making YouTube stars with millions of fans into legit Hollywood types…
- C’mon, you know you’re excited about Oliver Stone’s “W.” Long live Thandie Newton!
- The Christian film market continues to inspire.
- NY Film Fest takes its star turn, while Austin comes of Age…
- The awards race begins in earnest.
- Who can argue with Ken Burns?
- The IFP rolls out its weekend edition.
- Marcy Drogin, consultant to Mandalay, Participant and CBS films, throws her hat in the ring.
- Scott Rudin vs. Harvey Weinstein. This could get ugly.
- Yoga gets the Hollywood treatment.
- Tyler Perry continues to show us how it’s done.
- CAA is turning Japanese I really think so.
- Sarah Silverman injects herself into American-Jewish politics…
- …And College Humor gets into the feature business.
When super indie producer Ted Hope Speaks… YOU LISTEN!
September 19, 2008
Yours truly was at the receiving end of a mass-email about the state of independent film sent out by Ted Hope, legendary independent producer of such films as 21 GRAMS, AMERICAN SPLENDOR and the newly released TOWELHEAD. Not surprisingly, Mr. Hope has… Hope.
I worked with Ted back in my NYC days and could post all day long about what a great guy he is. Instead, I reprint the email in full:
Subject: Indie Film Lives: Welcome To The New World… finally!
It’s INDEPENDENT FILM WEEK here in NYC. Although I haven’t participated in many events, the activity and other’s efforts are benefiting me and everyone else greatly. The intense focus on and embrace of the coming reality is completely inspiring.
Instead of the negative view towards a changing paradigm, people are recognizing that the benefits of being part of an audience driven (the crass like to say “consumer”) model and the abandonment of the gatekeeper/limited supply past. Somehow I find it ironic that this recognition of the change from a top down to a bottom up (or push vs. pull) film industry structure is occurring simultaneously with an economic collapse and hopeful presidential power shift. The current financial crisis in America has been compared to the collapse of the Berlin Wall, in that unregulated capitalism is literally bankrupt, like authoritarian states with communist run economies previously collapsed. The film industry paradigm shift is not of the same seismic shift, but it is the biggest change we’ve had in our little corner.
On Monday night, I had the good fortune to be invited to a dinner put together by Lance Weiler and Arin Crumley & Susan Buice. These filmmakers have not only embraced the new world but have been inspiringly innovative in their efforts to reach, build, and motivate audiences. The dinner was a spin off of their DIY Days. I have been making films for twenty years now and the business model has never truly worked for the films I make and want to make. Yet, this was the first time that ANYONE has pulled together a brainstorming session on what to do about that, and for that alone these folks are elevated to True Indie Film Heroes on my chart. More on this dinner later (they filmed/recorded it), but check out everything you can about what these filmmakers are doing (if you haven’t already) and you can watch the future arrive.
Peter Broderick, who has been preaching the DIY Distro gospel longer than anyone I know (and thus is also on TIFH chart), has written a great two part article on the benefits of living in the real world aka the new world for IndieWire. It’s REQUIRED READING.
The hysteria of the last six months in Indieville is built partially on our collective relunctance/sluggishness to abandon an old model which has long been recognized as being inapplicable to most filmmakers work, but also out of the slow drip of the inevitable. For fifteen years we have all heard of the dawning of the new era when we will have instant crystal clear downloads of everything under the sun on every screen everywhere anytime. And we are waiting and waiting and waiting. And still waiting. The reality is the core audience could give a hoot about that future. They like the here and now just fine (and granted most are old and grey and bald like me — or two out of three). Reality check: the glorius future is still a long way away still.
Have you wondered why, though? Who’s keeping your pleasure at arm’s length? Did you know that in the last three years the US had dropped from 3rd to 16th in terms of internet penetration among countries? I just got back from Asia. South Korea has 80% Broadband penetration! Imagine what that could do for all of us.
We can’t drag our feet any longer. We are on the precipice. Truly. For the first time in our cultural history, we have the opportunity to truly have the culture we want — whatever it is, in it’s multi-headed truly glorious diversity. Once, all filmmakers had to consider mass audiences. Now, if you reach them, you can create for niches, even niches that once never existed. It’s hard to even fathom what this means. But it’s also on the verge of being taken away from us. Truly. The phone companies, cable companies, the Hollywood Studios, and the MPAA have banded together to take away the first utility to promote democracy (and innovation, participation, and free speech). On Monday I got to speak up about The Key Issue In The Entire History Of Independent Film at IFP’s IFW Filmmaking 2.0 panel: NET NEUTRALITY. The theater was 33% full at best (ugh), and only six people in the audience said they knew what “Net Neutrality” meant (UGH!) It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, but it is something to take action about. I am going to be writing more about it on my blog INFO WANTS TO BE FREE (one of my many, mind you… please check them all out), but you can get super clear info on it now from both SaveTheInternet.com and PublicKnowledge.org. On the panel with me was Art Brodsky from the latter entity, and I was completely impressed with him. Follow that blog, that man, that issue. We need to get active on this.
I should point out that the presidential candidates have incredibly different views on this subject. If you want to endorse the candidate that supports Net Neutrality — and thus by extension truly supports true independent film — click and give here. And if you are in NYC next Monday, you know where you should be (or will, when you click there).
On another note, a film I produced, TOWELHEAD, is in the theaters now. I truly think this is an incredible film. It does what I love most about film: it helps us deeply understand people and situations that we would never otherwise have the opportunity to do so. And it does it with grace, artistry, and humor. Go, take some friends, and if each and everyone of you do not feel it was a warranted investment of your time and money, I will personally refund your money (on proof of purchase of course!). And feel free to forward this email to your friends — I will do the same for them.
Finally, if you are in LA, and care what I have to say, please come to Film Independent’s Filmmaker Forum. I am the Keynote Speaker there on Saturday September 27. I am saving up some stuff to discuss there. Come join.
Fine Print: If you are receiving this, it’s because you are in an email group of mine currently entitled “INDIE FILM LIVES!”. If you would like me to remove you from this list, simply email me and tell me so. Ditto, if you know of someone who would like to be added, or if you have a suggestion of something to circulate. Either way, please be sure to specify the name of the list. Further, by accepting this email, you recognize that your continued participation on this list, is arbitrarily decided by me and greatly enhanced by you providing me with some good recommendations every now and then, so please send me some good stuff soon.
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THE END OF THE WEEK AS WE KNOW IT
September 11, 2008
What’s your buzz ? Here’s what I learned in this skool called life:
- our economy is so bad that even if another Cold War did start, we’d lose.
- Man On Wire made me cry and took my breath away. (And miss performing stunts!)
- the Toronto film fest was… Okay. But Mickey Rourke ruled in Venice.
Oh. I have to log off now. An elephant just walked in the room.
THE DAY I PUNK’D JERRY LEWIS IN FRONT OF 600 PEOPLE AND THE MEDIA
September 4, 2008
After my first year in LA, Go-Kart Records mensch and NYC expat Greg Ross expanded his record company to include a DVD arm, aptly titled Go-Kart Films. With no money, I helped him launch it to the tune of 2-5 releases a month (Crazy, I know). The launch of the new division was complete, and with new distribution thru Koch it seemed like we could one day be one of the next little DVD labels that could…
Ye old VSDA (Video Software Dealer’s Association– now named the less venereal disease-sounding the Home Media Expo) is the annual DVD trade event in Vegas where video store owners and DVD distributors big and small all congregate in Vegas to “do business.” And for someone who just got off years of the film fest circuit actually “daring” people to come see a movie at parties, we were poised to rock it… hard. (And we did. The dude who writes for Home Media Retailing said something like Go-Kart Films was, literally, the Grand Central Station of the year in his ’state of the DVD industry’ post-convention newsletter. That was because we brought a whole crew to shake things up at the normally stuffy trade convention. We had people running around in costumes as characters from the films, bellydancers from our instructional DVD… you get the picture.)
Incidentally, this was the first year of the event where it was not paired with it’s evil twin, the AVN (Adult Video Awards). (…And let’s just say that after the first day of previous conventions, most of the video store owners, studio home ent. execs and content providers found their way to the other side of the convention floor.)
The big ta-doo the year Go-Kart Films rolled into town was the keynote speech by none other than Jerry-freakin’-Lewis, living legendary maniac. It so happened that Jerry had a book to promote (Dean and Me: A Love Story), a DVD box set of his Jerry’s Classics, and other things to pitch. A friend of mine who’s a producer of one of the popular network entertainment magazine shows happened to have a galley copy of Jerry’s new book, which I got to read. (Hilarious. What a ballbuster that guy is. And I didn’t know Deano has a nosejob!) Anyway, since I was going to be within spitting distance of the madness that is Jerry Lewis the next week at the convention, I told my friend:
Me: Heya, maybe next week I can get the book signed for you. Would you like that?
Him: Sure… That’d kick ass!.. But whatever you do, make sure you bring it back to me, because legally, the network owns it– But my boss will love it if I return it signed. Just don’t lose it, okay?
Simple as that. Fast forward to the first day of the convention, where Jerry Lewis is scheduled to speak in front of over 600 people (mostly video store owners from around the country.) I was a few mins late to the event due to my playing chaperone to the bellydancers and sweaty out-of-work actors we hired to wear the crazy character costumes. I arrived just in time to hear the association president finish his diddy about the evils of DVD pirating. I had to sit in the waaaaay back as Jerry came out to do his schtick. And schtick it was. First of all, in between each pitch for one of his new projects (the book and DVD box set), he’d go on about other things in which he was involved in a very, well, “infomercial” kind of way. There’s no other way to describe it. Besides probably being paid a nice sum to just speak at the event, I’d bet he was even getting paid for mentioning products in his speech. (Didja hear that his charity for special needs children broke a new record this year?”)
In talking about the years of back-breaking physical comedy that gave him spinal trouble, Jerry revealed to the audience an experimental remote morphine injector. He presses a button anytime he feels pain and viola!– no pain, high as kite. The morphine injector seriously looked like an early 80’s TV remote control.
So I sat what seemed like a hundred yards away from the stage behind a bunch of video store geeks, plotting how I was to get Jerry Lewis to sign my friend’s copy of his book. I could see that after the speech Jerry would probably just duck into the green room from the back of the stage, the entrance to which was guarded by security. Even getting to the front of the stage was near impossible, as it was blocked by photographers. Then came the opportunity. Jerry finished up his keynote and with a tone that could only be described as pissiness, told the crowd:
So they want me to take questions from the audience. I don’t really want to, but fine.
That’s when a few convention PAs came out and walked around with a microphones. This was my chance. I raised my hand and was called on. I decided to act like one of the geeky store owners and have fun with it. This was the guy who got famous for interrupting other peoples acts by pretending to be a busboy after all…
Me: Hi Jerry, big fan. I read your new book recently and wonder if there’s any chance of making into a movie like The Kid Stays in The Picture…?
Even from many yards away I could see Jerry’s wheels turning. Then, he went right to it.
Jerry: My book? It’s not out yet. How’d you get a copy?
Not wanting to out my network friend, I decided to lift a line from the book…
Me: From a friend of the friends. (meaning a gangster.)
I lifted the book up high for him to see. From many yards away I could see his eyes bulge out of his head.
Jerry: Come over here, kid.
With that I gave the mic back to the PA and jogged towards the stage like the video nerd I was pretending to be. As I got closer, the photographers in the orchestra section parted the way like I was Moses at the Red Sea. Jerry came to the edge of the stage, bending down. As I approached I leaped up, letting my foot catch the tip of the stage and somersaulted, landing right in front of Jerry on stage! (How would he know I used to be a stuntman?)
On my knees, I presented the book to him and pulled a Sharpie pen from my jacket for the now-public book signing. The crowd went wild. Jerry was stunned. He looked at me, looked back to the crowd, then looked back at me with daggers in his eyes as if to say No one steals the show from Jerry Lewis.
Jerry: Where’d ya get the book, punk?
He was not happy. On my knees, Sharpie in hand, scared to death, I mumbled something like:
Me: Uh, can we talk about this later?
Grabbing the book from my hands, he turned from me toward the audience and took a few steps downstage. He held the book up high and said:
Jerry: This is what we mean by piracy ladies and gentlemen!
The crowd went nuts. Jerry, genius that he is, took the unexpected (brought on by yours truly) and turned it around to make a comment on the theme of the convention’s opening day. Brilliant. The crowd was eating it up. Stuck there on my knees, but having a bit of a performer in me, I slowly hobbled my way downstage towards Jerry. The crowd started laughing. They really started to think this was all part of the show. What’s next?, they were probably thinking.
Jerry, not knowing I was coming up behind him “walking” on my knees, couldn’t figure out why the crowd was laughing. To be sure, he was being dead serious. Then he got it. He turned back to me with snake-eyes and gave me a look that said: You hobble one more inch and I will back-hand you so fast your head will spin. I stopped dead in my tracks. Whoa, I thought: Jerry Lewis has intense hatred for me. Better knock it off. So instead of risking legions of Frenchmen calling for my assassination, I curtly slipped off the stage into the photographer pit as Jerry went on riffing about piracy, waving the book he swiped from me.
The photographers all gave me a pat on the back, “Good show!,” “You were great!,” “Hilarious, man!,” and the like. It was true–even they thought it was all planned. I stood there, stunned, heart pumping. Jerry finished up, and as expected headed straight back to the greenroom from the stage’s secret exit. The photographers made a mad rush to the backstage entrance but to no avail. The security guard was letting no one back. No one that is… Except me! The guard waved me over and let me through as if I was Jerry’s firstborn. He, too, thought I was part of the show… Jerry Lewis’ sidekick!
Hearing my friend’s voice in my head about making sure I brought the book back, I took a deep breath and went in. Walking very slowly though the hall I was able to find the greenroom by following Jerry’s voice, in the midst of one of his famous tantrums:
What the [CENSORED] was that?! I hate these people!
I rounded the corner and spied inside the room. As Jerry sat in the middle on a chair freaking out, a few DVD industry VIPs huddled against the walls. Apparently, they were to have met Jerry after the speech for a little ass-kissing. But Jerry was having none of it. The publisher of the big DVD trade paper was there, a few studio home ent. exits, all scared to death as Jerry continued his tirade.
I waited for there (finally) to be a lull, and made my move. On my knees again, I hobbled into the room. Some of the VIP execs got a kick out of it, getting Jerry’s attention. He turned towards the door I had entered, and I swear his nostrils were flaring with so much anger I could almost see his boogers. He could not believe that the punk kid who tried to steal his show was actually now in his greenroom. He started to boil and waved the book in front of me, finally blurting out:
Jerry: WHERE’D YA GET THE BOOK FROM?!?!
I decided to come clean. On my knees, I explained, pleading for mercy.
Me: I’m sorry, Jerry, it’s my friend’s book who works for a magazine show– I told him I would try to get it signed for him, that’s all. I’m not selling them out of my car or anything, no piracy involved whatsoever…
Jerry: WELL, YOU’RE NOT GETTIN’ IT BACK!!
And with that he shooed me away. Everyone in the room was stunned. Then, all of the sudden I (metaphorically speaking) took the dress off grew a pair:
Me: Can I at least have the note from my mother that’s inside the book?
Jerry looked at me like I was the biggest liar in the world, then flipping through the book to prove it– His eyes landed on the note from my mother which read:
Have a great time at the convention, Billy. I love you very much! -Mom
And that’s what did it. The only thing that was able to tame the legendary temper of Jerry Lewis was a loving note from a mother. All the sudden (well, at least for a few seconds) he was a pussycat. Sensing the change in his disposition, I hobbled on my knees a little closer, getting the Sharpie ready so he could sign (or at the very least to grab the book from him and run like hell.) He looked up at me, with the fire back in his eyes:
Jerry: You know why I’m pissed?!!
Me: Cause I punk’d you in front of 600 people?
Jerry: No– I’m pissed because the publisher hasn’t sent me MY galley copies of the book yet!!
And there it was. It made so much sense. Actors… it’s all about them, whether it’s where their name falls in the credits, being the first to receive the shwag or in this case– getting a copy of the book he wrote before some asshole confronts him with it at a trade event. I went into hyper-comforting mode:
I know how you feel, Jerry. It’s the same in the DVD business. When we get the copies ready we send them out to the press first, and the filmmakers always feel jilted. It’s wrong, I tell you- wrong…
I pulled out the Sharpie pen.
Whatya say?
Jerry gave the ‘aw shucks, no hard feelings’ look and swiped the pen from me.
Jerry: What’s your name, kid?
Me: Uh, I’m really just planning to sell it on the internet, so can you just sign your name–
With this, I actually heard a gasp from somewhere in the room. I quickly recovered:
Just kidding! The name’s Keenan.
Jerry scribbled in the book. And FINALLY, handed it back to me. Mission accomplished. I thanked him profusely and apologized for the trouble I’d caused him, shook his hand and got up from my knees to my feet and turned to walk out the door with an extra spring in my step when I heard Jerry Lewis call out my name:
Jerry: Oh, Keenan–
I thought to myself, “Wow– Jerry Lewis just called my name. We’re on a first-name basis now.” I turned back to him, smiling.
Yes, Jerry?
Maybe he was gonna ask me to hang out with him, dinner in the boom-boom room, Vegas style?
I’m not gonna see you again, am I?
Ouch. My new best friend breaking up with me already. Well, at least I got the book back. With my best Vegas lounge lizard voice, I decided to yuk it up.
I’m here all week. Thank you very much…
No one laughed. I raced for the door.
NEXT WEEK: SHIRLEY “HURRICANE” MACLAINE HITS INDIEVILLE WITH AN ASSIST BY LINDSAY LOHAN (PRE-LESBO)
