THE 12 COMMANDMENTS OF MAKING MOVIES

Recently I sat down with Pritish Nandy, legendary global mediamaker and one heck of a charming guy. Plastered on his wall were “The 12 Commandments,” according to him. He’d come down off the mountain of moviemaking and delivered the message to his brethren: us… filmmakers. I reprint them here, with commentary.

1. Chase the big IDEA. Any moron can make a big film.

Hey, what’s the big idea? You tell me. Is it a best-selling book for tweens? A musical about a bodily organ repo-man? Is he trying to say that unless you have a “big idea,” don’t make a film? Or just don’t spend too much money on it?

2. There’s nothing called good films. Only hit films and flop films.

Well, there would seem to be millions, if not billions, of people who might disagree with this one. How many of us felt that our lives were changed by a film that wasn’t a box office hit?

3. Give orgasms to your investors, not your actresses.

OK, I like this one– though some might suggest a compromise to get the best of both worlds.

4. Awards are great, but Box Office verdicts last longer.

Here he goes again with the monetary success thing. OK, fine. I will agree that if your film is a success at the box office, it’s much easier to make another one.

5. Dream wet dreams. Don’t fund movies to make them come true.

I’m down with this one, too. Too many wanna-bes make movies for themselves (that they’d want to see) and proceed to shove ‘em down people’s throats, rather than make a film for other people (ie. the audience).

6. There’s only one “God.” He sits in the ticket sales counter.

If you can get by the blasphemy, I think what he’s trying to say here, again, is that it’s mucho importante for the film to do well and make money. (This, coming from a guy whose company is public. He’s got shareholders to answer to, after all.)

7. Don’t try to replicate reality. Challenge it.

What a concept. Ya know, as I get older (and hopefully wiser,) I seem to be falling prey to the idea that movies shouldn’t necessarily portray life as it is, but life as it should be. I guess that makes me an idealist.

8. The best critic is a dead critic. Listen to your viewers.

Dunno about the wishing death upon people, but I see his point. There’s filmmakers who make movies that they’d want to see (megalomaniacs, as mentioned above)– and filmmakers who want critical acclaim, even at the expense of an audience. And finally, there’s filmmakers who make movies for people!

9. Technology’s a dumb bitch. Stick to storytelling.

This reminds me of the old adage “we’ll fix it in post.” The lesson here is “don’t rely on technology.” Style over substance can only take you so far. If your story’s tight, who cares what it looks like. (Ok, I take that back. One should try to make the film look as good as possible, but not at the expense of story.)

10. Don’t expect professionalism. Contract it.

Which is why the lawyers now run this business. However, you can put any damn thing you want in a contract but it’s still not gonna prohibit a drug-addict actor from showing up a day late, or an egomaniac director from throwing a hissy fit.

11. There are no original stories. Only original copies.

Just ask Shakespeare. Though keep in mind, this list comes from a producer in an industry well-known for stealing ideas. Is it true there’s no original ideas, that everything’s been done before? Maybe. (And what hasn’t been done in film yet has probably already happened in real life to someone somewhere.) I forget who it was that said, “The sign of a good artist is one who borrows. The sign of a great artist is one who steals.”

12. Behind every hit director is a tough, son-of-a-bitch producer.

This is probably true. Someone should commission a study on the issue.

Anyone wanna add to the list? Strut your stuff in the comments.