Why Student Films Suck

Alright, I did not write this, but I found it this week while I was tidying up my computer and I thought I’d share it.  I wish I knew who did write it so I could attribute it, but I don’t so don’t sue me whoever you are.  Anyway, it’s something I was given while I was at USC and while I don’t agree with all of it I found it funny/antagonizing/challenging.

I hope you enjoy it!

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WHY STUDENT FILMS SUCK

“I’ve made it a point never to watch anyone’s student film.  I usually tell people, ‘I’ll hire you–as long as I don’t have to watch your student film!’  Most student films feature two things–a not particularly attractive girl running towards the camera, and a suicide.  If it’s a comedy, it features a not particularly attractive girl and a dog.  I should know.  I made one, and so did my son.  But these kids are stealing jobs from me, so they must be doing something right.” -Chuck Workman
Chairman of the Director’s Guild of America’s Academic liaison subcommittee
(As quoted in Billy Frolick’s What I Really Want To Do Is Direct.)

How dare we?

• On the whole, student short films SUCK!

(This does not contain the usual advice you get in film school about the elements of good screenwriting. No no, rather, it is a very specific list of common mistakes and trends we’ve seen in crappy student films again and again at screening after screening.)

• Before you even think of making a student film, read this list .
• If you’re a genius, then go ahead - break these rules.
• But let’s face it, if you think you’re a genius, you’re not. So play it safe and spare your audiences the uneasy task of having to lie when you ask, “So- what did you think?”

Let the sucking begin…   __________________________________

Dolly & Zoom
No question. This is the most egregious, blatantly non-creative, non-cool, total student film red flag.  Sure, Hitchcock used it in Vertigo, Spielberg used it Jaws , but enough is enough.  It’s cliched, overused, goofy, and overall a bad idea.  By the way, what we’re talking about here is a simultaneous Dolly-in/Zoom-out or vice-versa which compresses the background while keeping the subject at a fixed size during the shot.  A student film no-no.  (The dolly/zoom is such a mark of a student film, it’s a joke in the opening of THE BIG PICTURE.)

The Tortured Artist Film
The story goes like this.  A struggling artist (writer/painter/sculptor/musician — 90% of the time, it’s a writer) grapples with some sort of inner conflict, (a dead relative, writers deadline, religious confusion, etc).  Our tormented soul encounters a muse (beautiful woman, endearing older character, magical artifact, etc) who helps the protagonist come to a sort of realization which ultimately opens the creative floodgates and allows the character to succeed (finish the novel, paint the painting, sculpt the likeness of the muse, or perform at the big recital).  The Tortured Artist Film usually involves a so-called “man vs. himself” struggle which is guaranteed to put you to sleep in the first two minutes.  Related to this is the “introspective shot” which usually features the main character staring into space for a good minute (usually smoking a cigarette).  File this under “Pretentious as Shit.”

Dream Sequences & Flashbacks
If you don’t want your student film to look like a friggin’ episode of Kung Fu, then stay away from dream sequences and flashbacks, young grasshopper.  A dream sequence generally says “I couldn’t think of a better way to reveal information about the character than this.”  So-called “funny” dream sequences are usually not.

Time-Elapse Montage
You’ve got say, 15 minutes to get your point across in a short film.   Every second of screen time should be treated like gold.  A time-elapse montage not only demonstrates an inability to structure your film pacing-wise, it makes the audience wait unnecessarily.  Try to find a simple and efficient way to indicate the passage of time without resorting to this too easy narrative device.

Bad Audio
You can have a great looking short film, but if the sound is bad, the film itself comes across as bad.  Nothing gives away a student film like the soundtrack.  Budgets are tight, sure, but many student directors simply don’t place any importance and give any thought to what their film sounds like.  The result is often a beautiful picture with a badly mixed, distracting audio experience.  In the same vein, if you’re making a 16mm film, be aware of how crappy the 16mm optical track is going to sound (which is REALLY bad) and try to prepare for it.

And now, free of charge, a canonical list of BAD musical soundtrack instruments:

• Synthesizer (the “porn” soundtrack)
• Your friend’s band (trust me, they suck)
• “the lone, slow piano”
• “the lone guitar” (flamenco esp.)
• The “impish” clarinet
• The cello dirge.
• The “spirited” piccolo.
• Any kind of wood blocks.

“Look at me, I’m a director!” shots
Examples include– the gratuitous “fishbowl in the foreground” shot, the “overhead for no reason ‘cept we’re shooting in a soundstage” shot, the “we think it’s cool slanted dutch angle shot” and perhaps most insidiously the “fridge POV shot”, otherwise known as the “put the camera inside the trashcan/toilet/mailbox shot”.  Ok, maybe you need to get this stuff out of your system, but just be warned, it’s usually cheese.

Ultra-slow Dialogue
A film professor once told me that on a film set, one second of “real” time equals three seconds of film time.  Something to remember:  Watch a student film and notice how often there are long pauses between lines of dialogue.  Why is this?  I don’t know, but if you watch the average “real” film, you’ll see that the dialogue often occurs ultra fast.  Maybe it’s because we can hear faster than people normally speak.  Who knows?  A side note– these pauses also extenuate bad lines of dialogue.  A poorly written line is going to hang in the air like a fart if not closely followed by a fresh line to cleanse the air like a gentle breeze…

Blatant Miscasting

• The audience can tell when you cast your significant other as the romantic object of desire.
• Don’t try to pass off someone who is shall we say, “fugly”, as a supermodel.
• In the same vein, why do so many student films cast SAG boy wonders as the “computer nerd” who can’t get a date?
• Mismatched couples. Be honest: “Do you believe that SHE would go out with HIM?” Make sure the answer is “yes.” The audience can only suspend their disbelief so much.
• Don’t have your friends play “older characters.” The baby powder grey hair trick doesn’t work. Neither do the fake beards.
• And while we’re at it, don’t cast people just because they’re hot. This mainly applies to the young male director. Whether they want to admit it or not, they will cast a very attractive actress in a role just so they can be near a hot girl. The script will usually require the actress to be in a scantily clad outfit or a nude scene or whatever. This is the power trip of the young, horny director. It preys on the good faith of young actresses looking for work. It’s not about substance or story; rather it’s an excuse to get an actress naked under the guise of “art”. It is motivated by the director’s ego. This is filmmaking, not a bikini contest - create your film with higher purpose.

“Eyebrow acting”
It may work at the Golden Tugboat Dinner Theatre, but it doesn’t come off on film.  What’s eyebrow acting?  It’s an overly expressive use of facial muscles more suited to miming than screen acting.  This acting technique is only acceptable in films where the characters have sex within the first four minutes.

The “Nothing Happens” short film
A very common bad student film.  Usually consists of a main character who spends his or her time talking to people about nothing of consequence.  Nothing happens for up to forty-five minutes.  At the end, some contrived “climax” comes out of nowhere and tries to wrap everything up, but because there has been no conflict of any sort for so long, the audience is asleep and misses it.  Common threads of these films include the “personal discovery/epiphanies that go inside the main character’s head” film, the “warm remembrances of my childhood that no one cares about” film, and the “Slice of Life that is more uninteresting than real life” and  “funny people I know come to life on the big screen.”  Nearly 50% of these films include an alcoholic single parent.

Note:Before you begin writing your screenplay, start with an outline. This allows you to see the problems and strengths in your idea before you invest countless hours of time and effort. An outline is your chance to confirm something interesting happens. If you begin by writing dialogue there is a good chance you’ll write a problematic story.

The Feature Film Masquerading as a Short Film
If you’ve ever sat through a student screening, you’ll notice that often the films best received are the shorter films.  Now it could be argued that this is due to the simple fact that they suck and less sucking is better than more sucking.  It could also be that the audience is sitting through many, many student films in one evening and appreciates the shorter ones because it means the whole thing will end sooner.  In the short narrative film genre, every moment is precious.  It’s to your advantage to make your film short but sweet– for one thing, shorter films cost less, take less time to edit, and allow you more time to focus on making your film as tight and well designed as possible. Ask yourself when writing (and editing) the film -is this scene necessary?  Is this moment necessary?  What does it do for the audience?  We call this The “Get In And Get Out” principal.  Don’t cram a full-length feature into the short film style.  Do what your film needs to do and then get the hell out.  Remember, longer isn’t necessarily better. Less is more.

The One Joke Film
A good short film has got to be a collection of good ideas, not one good idea stretched out for fifteen minutes.  In any event, at least make an attempt to fill your time with stuff that’s actually interesting to someone other than yourself.  I don’t know how many bad student films I’ve seen that are actually about the filmmaker’s uninteresting life or contain vignettes that go on and on and on.  Before you shoot, make a list of all the “good ideas” in the script.  You should have lots of them.  How’s that for a generic tip?

The “Walk into the Camera” Transition & Other Lame Ideas

• This one is crazy. A character walks INTO THE CAMERA LENS! And then we fade to black, or more commonly, cut to the reverse– someone walking AWAY FROM THE CAMERA LENS! OOOooo! What a good idea…
• The zany “Slacker with a Gun” film
• You’re not Quentin Tarantino. Don’t bite his style. Be you.
• Overuse of bad video effects. In fact, just stay away from effects unless they help to tell your story. Just because somebody left you in front of the AVID and you figured out where the effects palette is doesn’t mean you should use it. The point is to tell a quality story. Gratuitous effects at the student level usually shout LAME STUDENT FILM! (except for cinelook or magic bullet - if you shot on DV then by all means please apply these “film looks” to your project)
• Keep dissolves to a minimum. They are not synonymous with cuts. Same goes for wipes, keys, etc. The 80’s are over. Video effects suck.

Note: As a general rule, make sure that every directorial choice you make is a motivated choice. Your choices should assist and complement your story. Don’t do anything just because it “looks cool”. Gratuitous cuts, transitions, shots, gimmicks, and effects will simply bog down your film. Attempting professional effects at the student level student level typically lacks the necessary quality. Remember to work within your means. If you have no budget, don’t attempt Lord of the Rings. Besides, quality and originality is what the audience and the industry is looking for; so go for something witty and interesting that doesn’t require elaborate effects.

The “Dramatic Cigarette”
A character is having a dramatic crisis:  So what does he/she do?  Whips out a smoke and puffs dramatically as if to say, “Look, this is so serious I’m smoking.” YES, people do smoke when they are nervous or excited, or under pressure.  But there’s no excuse for using the long, boring “drag ‘n puff” scene as a lazy alternative to finding a more original way to express the same thing.

Ramblers: The “Quest for Truth”
There are several permutations of this theme.
#1. The Puzzled Scientist: The “story” deals with a puzzled reclusive scientist who learns to forgo cold, hard science for something warm, gushy and intangible, like love, god, morality, religion or free will.  Films in this genre are usually condescending to the  audience and set up bogus sounding explanations of scientific principals (look for glossed over references to  Chaos  Theory, Grand Unification Theory, Relativity, etc.) and far-fetched reconciliations of the two.   Filmmakers, please:  if you must write one of these and want to be taken seriously, at least do a little research so you don’t insult real scientists.
#2. The Venting film: Broke up with your boy/girlfriend?  Please, don’t make a movie about it!  It’s dangerous - These self-examinatory “why my ex dumped me” films that turn into long diatribes about the nature of love, the nature of mankind, etc. are rarely insightful and usually about as interesting as listening to a friend complaining about a relationship gone bad.  In short, philosophical examinations of human existence and relationships, when discussed on an abstract level, will almost guarantee that the audience will become bored and/or confused.

Shooting into Mirrors
Now don’t get me wrong, shooting into a mirror can be used to great effect when used at the right time and for the right reasons.  But like so many narrative devices abused by student filmmakers, the “reflective” shot has become a staple of the bad short film.  “Cool!  So she puts her hand mirror right there and then we can see her boyfriend yelling at her behind her and it’s all in one shot.  Man, I’m a genius!”  Or more recently, I have noticed a new crop of mirror scenes involving someone holding a razor blade, staring into the mirror, and contemplating suicide. (see: tortured artist films above)

Voiceover
A poor excuse for not using action to tell the story. This happens because students are too lazy to create an interesting scene that actually defines a character and the world of the movie, so they use the easy way out - voiceover. Ultimately, voiceover is cheap and boring. If you don’t want to use actions to illustrate your story then why are you in film school?  Words are for books! Speeches are for theatre! Talking is for radio! Use voiceover sparingly.

Interminable Credit Sequences
We know you’re excited about your film and you have a lot of people to thank, but please consider the poor audience member who has to sit through ten films.  We’ve seen credit sequences that last longer than the film itself!  Here’re some things to think about:  (1) Scroll fast. Real fast.  (2) Small fonts are great.  (3) Title cards are fast but not every crewmember needs one.  (4) Must you really thank your entire family tree by name?

Excessive Gratuitous Profanity
Why? Because you saw Reservoir Dogs? Because gangsters are tough? Because you want to show them how “anti-establishment” you are? Come on.

Scene One: The protagonist wakes up.
There’s nothing INHERENTLY wrong with starting a film with the buzz of an alarm clock, a hand slapping the snooze button, eyes fluttering open, followed by a yawn or an “oh my god, I’m late!” - But why so much of this?  We see it all the time. It’s as if the writer/director woke up one morning, looked around and said “Wow, This is cool!”  Uh, yeah, just go back to sleep.

Nothing To Say.
Filmmaking begins in the heart. If you don’t have anything to say, why should the audience care about your film? Find your own voice, carefully define your ideas, and then work really hard to bring them to the screen. Just because every twenty-something around moved to LA and wants to be famous doesn’t mean they deserve to be recognized. Originality is highly valued - your own unique style is waiting to be honed.

Tired Plot Ideas:
Someone is gay (or is questioning their sexuality). Someone is dying, Someone is on drugs (nobody cares you were “brave enough” to show pot/coke/heroin in your film, unless they are injecting it into their eye). Someone’s mom is dying. Someone is stalking someone else. Young gangsters. Old gangsters. Sensitive guy likes girl who doesn’t like him. Someone has AIDs. The Disfigured hero (outcast boy has third arm protruding from his back eventually finds a girl who loves him and we find out she also has a third arm on her back). Somebody dies in a bathtub (how convenient for cleanup). Spoofs of old horror or kung-fu movies. Person walking around a city glumly looking at stuff. The streetwise prostitute finds man who wants to save her. Kids aren’t as innocent as they seem (yeah, we know). The bad marriage. The rape. The doppelganger film. Finally, the incredibly popular: Person contemplating suicide.

NUMBER ONE:
The number one reason student films suck is because the director doesn’t do the work necessary to make a high caliber film. You and your crew must take the project VERY seriously.

FINAL WORD:
Art has no rules! And yet Art does have rules! So there you have it, I leave you with a strange paradox. It’s true you are free to do whatever your heart desires; but keep in mind that attempting to produce “art” without knowledge of the craft often collapses into incomprehensibility and self-indulgence. (but then again, a lot of people love David Lynch)