The MPAA and me

This week, during yet more rewrites, one script reader commented on the fact that we might be close to a PG-13 rating and may want to consider toning back some of the language.  It occurred to me that I didn’t really know what the distinction is between a PG-13 or R rating.  So I found out.

Having seen This Film Is Not Yet Rated, a pretty blah but much hyped documentary about the MPAA, I wasn’t exactly eager to get my name on any super secret list they may be compiling over there.  (Don’t you love how in my egotistical little world I think they give a crap about what I’m up to?)

Anyway.  I started online.  I checked out the MPAA website and did the obvious google searches.  But the info I found was at best vague and at worst totally unreliable.  Nothing like those parent groups, eh?  Even the MPAA’s own website seemed cryptic “The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous.”  Creeeeepy.

So I got over feeling special and called them.  First thing?  They were super nice.  I was surprised.  They are actually, like, human over there.  I always imagined a few tight-lipped men, women and robots sitting around in tailored suits and corsets pushing buttons that drop filmmakers through floorboards to hidden lions waiting hungrily beneath.  Nope, they were human.  Well, at least the front man I spoke to.  He was even pretty funny too.

So here was my question – How many fv*ks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?  So naughty!  Actually, I wanted to know what the guidelines were for language in terms of what would pass for PG-13 and what crosses the line in to R territory.

The answer I got was this… One fv*k, used non-sexually, can be PG-13.  Two non-sexual fv*ks or a single sexual fv*k gets you an automatic R.  As a side note, and not that I was asking, but apparently any use of c**ksv*ker or m*therfv*ker sends you straight to R.  (I have to say this was the most swearing I’d ever heard in the first two minutes of conversation with a complete stranger and it was cracking me up!)

Here’s something else, dick could get you anything from a G to an X depending on it’s exact usage and bitch is a pretty flexible one as well.

My helpful MPAA dude even mentioned that he doesn’t agree with all of the boundaries but when he once made the case for change he was told to answer the complaints line for a bit.  That sorted him out.

Apparently, one of the biggest call getters of all time was Titanic. Why?  No idea.  Because it was offensively lame?  Nope.  It was the sketch of the woman’s breast that was the culprit!

Now of course this movie would have more callers to begin with because it had more audience than most films.  It also most likely had more audience members who don’t go to movies that often so aren’t exactly in the mix of pop culture.  And finally, it probably had more people going in groups and therefore feeling the pressure to be absolutely, utterly and very vocally offended!  But, even after weeding out all the people who haven’t had sex in the last decade and couldn’t deal with that tickly feeling that the drawing may have induced, this is still pretty interesting because it is a reflection of our values as a culture.  And this is a big country.

So do I agree with them?  No.  For example, I take no offense at seeing the human body doing what’s it naturally built to do, but I do find violence pretty upsetting.  Clearly I’m out of sync with America on that one.

And does this mean I’m going to change my script?  Again, no.  We crossed the R line on about page four.  None of it feels gratuitous and it all works in the script so I hope my new friend at the MPAA is ready to take some calls on my behalf!