NO DILDOS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS MOTION PICTURE…

Dateline: PORKY’S - THE COLLEGE YEARS…

I had set up an “Austin Powers” style hide-the-penis gag, when Murphy’s Law bit us in the arse. Remember O’Toole’s corollary? - Murphy was an optimist. During the just concluded lunch hour, someone had walked off with our 8 pound phallus, the centerpiece of this key scene, irreplaceable in less than an hour each way to the nearest sex shop.

Cock Blocked in Canyon Country, where McCain/Palin bumper stickers still cruise defiantly…

Sex Comedy is no laughing matter,  when you make a film under the DGA ultra low budget deal. There’s no safety net in a 15 day shoot, if something goes wrong. Every hour you lose, when some element does not reach the set on time, is an hour you never get back to generate more images, more comedic moments. This is when the pressure is on The Props Guy to come up with a solution instantly. Luckily we had a resourceful man in the hot seat, Mike Marquez, the wily Odysseus of the Art Department.

With the clock ticking, Mike rapidly created a replacement for the missing member - he did the final sculpting with gaffer tape (!) - and got us shooting within 20 minutes. I think the shadow gag will work well.

“I want to go all out with sex toy wackiness” I had told Mike in our leisurely week of prep.  (I am a sick puppy)  Mike certainly was constantly inventive. Here’s an example of a piece of set decoration he added to the trashed party aftermath sequence.

Sheer genius. (I know, I am a sick and wicked puppy.)

Production designer Gene Wyrick gave me a lot of dressed locations and sets on a micro budget, ably supported by his team in the field. Props and Set Dec are sometimes under appreciated departments; they work hard and add invaluable texture. So recognition is nice. Mike Marquez got a battlefield promotion on the last day of the shoot. The producers made him an Art Director. I love when that happens.

You cannot make a good movie on a budget this size without a crew that cares. I was enthusiastically served in all departments. Even our blow up male doll pitched in to help the camera department with exposure.

Make up, hair, wardrobe, those unsung heroines of the front line, kept feeding me actors and crowd in correct wardrobe over a 7 day story span, monitored by continuity queen Erin Casteel. Smooth job all round.

Thanks to Ron Levy for stylish lighting and the best Jon Lovitz impersonations I’ve heard. Thanks to Al Lopez and the grip electric brotherhood for 180 degree lighting turnarounds in no time at all. Thanks to indefatigable producers Tony Roman and Chang Tseng for keeping the train running on time. Keeping it on the rails even, was no mean feat. Thank you to the whole PORKY’S cast and crew symphony orchestra. I enjoyed being your conductor.

With the right marketing strategy, PORKY’S - THE COLLEGE YEARS will be a nice little earner. More on PORKY’S talented cast in a future blog.

As for the Dildo Snatcher: I hope your holiday gift had the impact you intended. It is the season of goodwill after all.