The Brilliance of Visual Effects Artists.

INT. VISUAL EFFECTS ANIMATOR’S ROOM - DAY

3 AM: The Animator gulps down another Redbull with his tofu salad; tofu -to put enough fuel in his creative spirit to push on and deliver these last shots by the 9.00 am deadline; Redbull - to ward off the waves of exhaustion that buffet him in his 28 the straight hour at the computer. He is beyond dog tired. He is T-Rex tired. And tired of the T-Rex he is animating.

VOICE
Wake up!

The Animator jerks forward in his ergonomic chair. The tofu in satay sauce must have overridden the caffeine and comforted him into a doze. But who is in his office at this hour? He whirls round. The room is empty.

VOICE
It’s me, dickhead!

He swivels back. The T-Rex on his computer screen is talking to him, while chomping down on the human being in his mouth. A leg falls to the ground.

T-REX
I’ll get that later. Sorry, talking with
my mouth full again, I know, it’s rude.

ANIMATOR
AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!

 

T-REX
OK. I shouldn’t have called you dickhead.
I apologize.

 

The Animator gapes.
ANIMATOR
I’m hallucinating, aren‘t I?

T-REX
Maybe. How old was that tofu?..And while
we are on the subject of dicks, where’s mine?
I mean you know what they say.. oversized head
means over sized … I’m like a Ken Doll
with scales down there. I should be hung like a howitzer.
This is no Disney picture, buddy.

The Animator was astonished to hear himself reply

ANIMATOR
Lizards don’t need big dicks. All you do is fertilize eggs.

 

T-REX
What do you mean - the sin of Onan? Have you
seen the size of my puny hands?
Don’t bullshit me. It’s a budget thing, isn’t it?
You can’t afford the extra animation time to give me
the shlong I deserve.

ANIMATOR
Hey! You are anatomically correct. Just as you were in
Walking With Dinosaurs. I can’t believe I am
conversing with a collection of pixels.
This is a dream. I need to wake up so I can
make my deadline.

 

T-REX
You’re crazy! 200 shots in four months!
You’re not working for one of those
t“ I don’t like it” directors, are you? You show
him the shot and all he can say is “I don’t like it”.
He can’t say what’s wrong. Just “I don’t know
what it is, but I don’t like it”. OI!

ANIMATOR
Not this time. Can I wake up now?

 

T-REX
Listen, I’ve taken a walk through the other shots,
and there’s a really important element missing.

 

ANIMATOR
What?!

 

T-REX
The big blue bouncing ball, dummy!

 

ANIMATOR
Help! This is a nightmare! I must wake up now!

 

T-REX
I’m serious. When it comes to pre-final render
approval, every shot has to have a big blue bouncing
ball in it. Because there’s always some 800 Pound
Gorilla that comes in at this stage, you know, the kind
no one dares piss off by saying: “ This is not your area
of expertise, dip shit, so butt out!”, but who is
compelled to somehow mark it with his scent. So you
give him something to fixate on so he doesn’t spoil one
of your grace notes. “ Of course, you‘re absolutely
right, ” you say, “ it would be much better without the
big blue bouncing ball. The shot would be perfect.
We’ll take it out at final render, sir.”

 

ANIMATOR
These guys are not like that, they speak with one voice.

 

T-REX
They don’t make you milk spiders, do they?

 

ANIMATOR
Milking spiders? What does that mean?

 

T-REX
A lot of effort for very little result.

 

ANIMATOR
No, they understand the process.

 

T-REX
You’re lucky. A case in point: Director comes
in to look at this huge shot. Complex camera
movement, battles raging in every corner of
the frame, an absolute cue-the-applause
show stopper, at the end of which the monster’s foot
slams down into foreground. So what does he say?
“Move the foot 2 inches to the left.” The VFX
supervisor measures with his fingers on
the monitor a two inch approximate span from the
leading edge of the foot. Such a reposition will
cause the foot to mask the sight of an exploding car
in the background. “OK,“ says the VFX Supervisor,
not grasping the reason for the change, but wanting
to be accommodating to a name director,
“ We just have to move the exploding car out a bit
so that it will be seen. “ No “ , says the director,
“ not two inches with your fingers on the screen;
TWO REAL INCHES within the actual geography
of the location. Move the foot over two real inches,
then the composition of the final frame will be
perfect.”

 

ANIMATOR
But that’s like 3 pixels?

 

T-REX
Who can argue with a major director’s vision
of perfection on a mega budget picture?
So, do you know how long it took to re-render
28 layers with 15 separate green screen components?

 

ANIMATOR
A week and a half?

 

T-REX
Ah, you‘re not just a pretty face.

 

ANIMATOR
Did all that extra work sell a single extra ticket?

 

T-REX
That’s not the point. At the top end of
town, this business is about ego and image.
And who’s got the biggest dick. Which reminds me.
About my shlong…

The Animator startles awake. He had been dreaming, but the extra REM gave him the energy he needed to be done by dawn.

********************************

I love and admire Visual Effects Artists! I wish I could do what they do.

( Steve and Bennique Blasini, Pat Corbitt, Elliot Worman - different companies, different movies but the same level of artistic dedication. You constantly amaze me each time I work with you.)

The above riff on just a few of the difficulties VFX contractors experience allows me to engaging in a shameless plug for my up coming premiere on The Sci-Fi Channel - AZTEC REX. 9 pm Saturday May 10.

AZTEC REX is a good example of the challenges you have to meet in low budget genre. It was financed by Hawaiian investors ( Mahalo, you guys, keep doing it! ) and shot fully union on the windward side of Oahu at the beautiful Kualoa Ranch, with 2 days at Turtle Bay, while Forgetting Sarah Marshall was being shot at the same resort. It was my second picture in Hawaii, I cannot speak highly enough of the experience, and I can’t wait to do another picture there.

Many years ago when I was a trailer maker in the UK, I had the privilege to work on one of Ray Harryhausen’s classics - THE VALLEY OF GWANGI.

Cowboys versus Prehistoric Beasts! Just my cup of tea on a Saturday afternoon. So when this Conquistadors versus T-Rex/ Apocalypto in Jurassic Park came along I jumped at the chance.

When preparing a genre cocktail, there are many additives to be considered, not the least of which is Style. Do you accentuate the historical anachronism of the concept by employing the currently vogue-ish, whip panning, focus adjusting shaky-cam, operated by a man suffering from St. Vitus Dance? Or do you employ the classical framings and motivated camera movement of the swashbucklers of old, to create a unifying style that is both homage and a wry smile at the conventions of costume dramas in their heyday. Perhaps you can guess my choice.

Sometimes I sprinkle a little “ what if? “ into the mixture. In the case of AZTEC REX, what if - this film was being made by Hammer, the hugely successful British production company of the 50’s thru 80’s? Hammer made its name with classy horror and buckets of bright red blood; tame by today’s standards, but striking in its day. What if Hammer made AZTEC REX as one of its many summer holiday swashbucklers like PIRATES OF BLOOD RIVER but were unencumbered by the UK censorship restrictions they always chafed against ?

Hammer often made 3 versions of its films. One was to pass the British Board of Film Censors at the desired level of certification, generally CERIFICATE: “X”. ADULTS ONLY. UNDER 16 NOT ADMITTED. Then the “ continental version ” replaced scantily clad ladies with topless ladies. Oh those naughty French… Then there was the Japanese version which added three times as much plasma to each gore shot.

Lots of satisfied customers. So, there’s a little Hammer tone in the mixture. Certainly AZTEC REX has more flesh and more blood than you will generally see in 90 minutes of television. In this way, I hope to guarantee the movie a long shelf life.

Next came the realities of making a costume drama/monster movie with 200 VFX shots in a WGA/DGA/IA/TEAMSTERS town on 35 mm. for 900K-and-change below the line. Everyone was very accommodating so we got a lot out of 15 x 11 hour days. There are so many people I should single out for special praise - perhaps the subject of another blog. So I hope the other cast and crew members will forgive me if this time I only mention three.

JAMES LOCKE in his very first professional acting experience, makes a stylish villain, holding his own against IAN ZIERING who’s no slouch.

Then there’s the stunning girl you cannot keep your eyes off! Tibetan Australian, former star of “Neighbors” DICHEN LACHMAN. Drop dead gorgeous. Smart, vulnerable, endearing. She holds her own in scenes with Rescue Me’s JACK McGEE. I believe both these young people have a big future in front of them.

And a big vote of thanks to Elliot Worman and his tireless work on the T-Rex.

The film is not perfect, but it is fun, and ought to please that Saturday night Sci-Fi crowd. So if this genre is your cup of tea, please watch. Please comment back to this blog or IMDB as harshly or as generously as you feel. Please let the Sci-Fi Channel hear your opinion too. And if you know anyone with a Neilsen ratings box this coming weekend….

AZTEC REX

9.00 pm (8 pm Central)
Saturday May 10