Goldman golden rules of Screenwriting

INT. CEO’s OFFICE DAY.

The head of the network affiliate sips tea while reviewing correspondence. His office is distinguished by its neatness. Everything is ship shape, befitting a retired naval officer. Which is why the board hired him. His name is Reg Fox. The intercom buzzes.

FOX
Yes…

SECRETARY
Bruce Gyngell of Channel 9 is calling.

 

FOX
Put him on.

What did his opposite number at a rival network, a charming fellow at industry functions - and worse, a CEO with higher ratings - have to say?

FOX
Hello Bruce, what can I do for you?

 

GYNGELl (V.O.)
Have you seen your Guy Adams ad in the Mirror today?

He reaches for the early editions of the two afternoon papers that were delivered with the tea.

FOX
Oh, no. Have we made a boo-boo? Is it glaring?

 

GYNGELL (V.O.)
Well, I guess you could say that..

Mr. Fox turns to the page where their weekly column Guy Adams Presents touts the hot shows of the week, all of course to be found on Channel 10, the new guy in town. The photo of Mr. Adams that sits in the top corner of the ad is in fact that of a suave male model, and the column has been written by several different women over the past year. The words “ paid announcement ” in very small print can be found by a diligent reader.

But what immediately stands out in the half page ad is its signature design: a column of seven paragraphs, the first letter of each being bold, black, and in much larger typeface.

At first glance nothing seems amiss. Then, as Mr. Fox’s eyes scroll quickly down the paragraphs, those embossed first letters stop being a vertical anagram, and unite into discernible words, which read: F U C K F O X.

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE:

Mr. Fox is at his desk studying the proofs for the Guy Adams Presents ad that will appear a few days. Awaiting his approval is a slender woman of 33 with striking red hair, his publicity officer JENNY PHILLIPS, whose dress reflects a free spirit.

Mr. Fox crosses out the first word of the top paragraph and replaces it with another. Fine Trumpeter becomes Hot Trumpeter. He looks up at her.

FOX
It’s better. Really.

 

JENNY
If you say so.

CUT BACK TO:

A stunned Mr. Fox. The top paragraph reads Fine Trumpeter again.

INTERIOR TV STATION CORRIDOR DAY

Jenny Phillips rounds a corner and comes face to face with 20 year old YOUNG FILM EDITOR, whom she had invited into her bed a few times, though not for a while.

JENNY
There you are. Wanted to say goodbye.
Got to be gone in ten minutes.

 

YOUNG FILM EDITOR
You are demented, wonderfully demented!
Why did you do that?

 

JENNY
I got tired of him changing my copy every week.
I was going to leave anyway. Sick of the place.
Time for a change. See ya.

She hugs him, and is gone.

INTERIOR SENIOR EXECUTIVE’S OFFICE DAY

The senior executive, WINSTON FRECKER, stares at the page, the offending ad flashing like a hazard light. Not a good day for the channel, and not a good day to ask if his contract will be renewed when it expires in 6 weeks. He picks up the phone.

FRECKER
Get me John in the art department.

INT. CHANNEL 10 NEWSROOM DAY

A journalist BARRY makes an announcement to his colleagues as he displays an empty money bag and a rectangular sheet of white cardboard.

BARRY
This just came from upstairs. The
whole staff is expected to sign, and make a
donation to go towards the cost of the gift.
Doesn’t have to be more than a dollar.

The staff look at the placard. There is fancy embossed writing along the top with room below for the one hundred plus signatures of the staff. It reads “ The opinions expressed in the press are not necessarily those of the staff of this station .“

INTERIOR TV STATION EDITING ROOM DAY

The assembled editors stare at the sparsely filled money bag, and the placard which now has several columns of differing lengths, as new departments add their signatures.

YOUNG FILM EDITOR
So, let me get this straight. He’s going to
be given a cigarette lighter with his initials
engraved on it, so that every time he lights up,
he can be reminded of the time of he was
embarrassed in the press and amongst his peers.
“We want to rub balm on your wound, but
they were out of balm at the store, so we got salt
instead.” Right?
And what about…“ not necessarily ”?
Does it mean it is possible that some of the staff of this
station do actually think : “ you ought to get fucked “ ?
Like : “We want to make you feel better,
but in the interests of statistical accuracy,
Federal Law obliges us to acknowledge this possibility.
So please accept our humble symbol of
your humiliation.”

OLDER FILM EDITOR
That about covers it.

 

YOUNG FILM EDITOR
It’s ridiculous. We should just rip it up.

 

OLDER FILM EDITOR
You can if you like. I’m not going to get fired.

The Young Film Editor thinks for a moment,

YOUNG FILMEDITOR
Well, I know someone who would
definitely sign if she was here. ..

He takes a pen and writes “Jenny Phillips” at the top of the far left column of names.

OLDER FILM EDITOR
You’re mad!

 

YOUNG FILM EDITOR
True. It’s the Irish in me. But don’t worry.
You can start your own column over there.
I’ll just mess with this one… Naturally,
as a gesture of solidarity, I will be signing.

He writes at the bottom of the same column “ Jack T. Ripper. “

YOUNG FILM EDITOR
And I think Her Majesty the Queen would
want to weigh in on this issue too…

With a different colored pen, he adds “ Elizabeth Regina “ at the bottom of another column.

INTERIOR SENIOR EXECUTIVE’S OFFICE DAY

The Senior Executive and Art department Staff stare at the now fully signed placard. A couple of other names of questionable veracity in different handwriting have become evident, such as Henry T. Eighth. The presentation is scheduled to begin in five minutes,

FRECKER
I’ve got an idea.

INTERIOR TV STATION CANTEEN DAY

All the station staff that can leave their posts are gathered in the canteen. Mr. Fox has graciously accepted the cigarette lighter, thanked his staff and is using the momentum of their applause to propel himself from the room.

He passes the displayed placard. Strips of black masking tape cover signatures in four different places.

WAIT A MINUTE! THIS WRITER’S COMPLETELY OFF THE WALL!
THIS IS NOT BELIEVABLE. PEOPLE DON’T BEHAVE LIKE THIS.

But they did. In 1967, at Channel Ten in Sydney, Australia.

That edition of the afternoon paper sold out before the next delivery from which the ad had been pulled. Reporters sent copies to friends overseas. Perhaps there are collectors that still have them. Of course, the mists of time may have clouded my memory as to the precise newspaper. It might have been The Daily Telegraph not The Mirror. The name of the column may be wrong. But to the best of my recollection, it all happened as depicted above. The names have not been changed. I think you can guess who the young film editor was.

There are heroes and villains in this story, but are you sure which they are? Different directorial approaches, the instincts of different actors playing detective with the text, would produce widely differing audience allegiances. Life feeds us modern day story tellers of the tribe these gems every day.

I set myself the task this morning to recount this story as the first five pages of a screenplay, setting up the characters, establishing the milieu, while trying to obey one of the Goldman golden rules. Start the scene as close to its peak as possible. A truly insightful screen writer could continue the interaction between these characters in a wide variety of ways with the possible moral: Judge no one till you’ve walked in their loafers.
In the current climate of corporate downsizing, spare a thought for the plight of the executive trying to navigate the politics of a large bureaucracy, in a results-oriented business based on the ability to predict ever changing public taste.

It used to be different. Channel Ten in 1966-67 was frontier television, where you were encouraged to be a renaissance person. In those days there was less at stake and nobody knew any better. Just by volunteering I found myself a news film cutter, a field reporter when they were truly desperate, a promo maker, and a supporting player on the late Friday night spoof horror movie show: “The Awful Movie With Deadly Earnest”.

Played by the multi talented promo chief Ian Bannerman, Deadly Earnest would rise from his coffin like a pale male Vampira, and subsequently Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, to introduce, in strong satirical vein, a horror movie of the 50’s with any of the “good bits” cut out by the censor. In commercial breaks, live to air, he and his team spoofed commercials while maintaining a gothic context. I once played a Joe The Gadget Man character selling discounted intravenous feeding tubes to vampires. The senior station management was perhaps in bed at this hour and never saw some of the things we got up to.

However when I played Matt Black TV critic of The Daily Gutter, TV critic Matt White of The Daily Mirror complained. That was the end of my shot at Saturday Night Live. But Channel 10 was a glorious experience, as was the Channel Nine promo department, when Mr. Gyngell hired me away to launch new shows like Ironside and Star Trek. We worked all hours on flat rates because it was fun, fun, fun. So I hope that in these times fun is not dead in executive land.