How Facebook Made Me an Asshole

That’s right – I’m BAAACK! Miss me? Here’s one more rant because some things require anonymity…

 

Could you imagine going up to a stranger on the street – someone you have never met or said a word to – and asking him to be your friend?  Of course not – he’d probably think you were a little slow or should be wearing a helmet. So, what possesses millions of people to do just that on Facebook every single day? This new instantly technological gratifying way of life where everyone in our society is desperate for friends, attention, approval and love is eventually going to destroy us.  When did we become so sad as a society that my worth as a person must be measured by how many people that I’ve never met, I can claim as friends.  I don’t care what my Facebook friends are doing anymore than I cared what everyone from high school was up to at my ten year reunion. It’s all fake.

 

Here’s what Facebook is really about – insecurity, popularity, and self-worth. It’s about people trying to show everyone else how fascinating their life is and shove it in everyone else’s face. Oh, you have 2000 friends? You must be cooler than me. Oh you went out last night and met Lindsay Lohan? You must know the cool places to hang. I’m doing something fun, I better let everyone know! Well guess what - I don’t give a fuck what anyone – ANYONE – is doing on a Tuesday at 2pm. Ya know why? Because I’m satisfied enough with what I’M doing. I’m not so insecure that I have to compare my day with everyone else on the internet. I don’t give a shit. I’m glad that you’re out partying in some fancy country or feeding your new baby or watching some hilarious clip on Funny or Die that you feel compelled to share – but I don’t actually CARE. Stop trying to make me feel like less of a person because all I’m doing on Tuesday at 2pm is my damn JOB.

 

I’ve never been an overly social or technological proficient person. I was a year and a half late on MySpace – and now I realize why. It’s worthless. It’s for children, musicians, and those who like to prey on children and musicians. And as a side note to all you parents out there – if you let your 12 year daughter create a profile that says she’s 17 and you let her post 100 pictures of herself in low-rise jeans, stop complaining when 19 year old boys try to get in her pants! But I digress…

 

Anyway, when the writers’ strike occurred, everyone in town created a Facebook profile. Still, I resisted. But shortly after the strike, I relented once again and created one, and I will admit I was sucked in by the possibilities. I became addicted. I had a Facebook puppy I felt pressured to feed and play with every day, I was in a mafia full of people that for some reason I felt the need to kill, I played scrabble against colleagues hoping to prove my intelligence through colored boxes of letters, and I amassed hundreds of friends that made me feel special. On MySpace, I had 100 friends – 25 of which I’ve since deleted. On Facebook, I’ve got about 600 friends. Man, I must be popular. And yet when Friday night rolls around, do you know how many of those 600 friends call me? None.

 

So, who are these “friends?” Colleagues, high school and college classmates, elementary school crushes, famous people I have worked with or would like to work with, and then there are ‘the others’…the people who somehow got approved but I have never met or spoken to. Or I met them once and so now I am forced to have some lifelong connection with them. If I’ve only met you once – there’s a reason for that. If I wanted to meet you again, I have this other technological device called a telephone that I would use to get in touch.

 

I have been criticized of late because I will not add random writers to my Facebook. I just don’t. If you and I have had a long conversation or have met socially or you are a good friend of an ACTUAL friend of mine – then okay. Or if you’re a well known or successful working writer, that’s great. But if you just searched “producer” on Facebook and found me, guess what…you’re getting ignored.

 

The reason for this is two-fold. One, it is not okay to pitch on Facebook! I won’t take them, I won’t respond to them, and this is not what Facebook is for! It’s cheating. I’ve gotten about a half dozen pitches thru the site, and I don’t want anymore. The second and more important reason, however, is that some of those 600 friends of mine are celebrities, directors, agents, managers, and tons of other execs and I don’t need some random writer whom I don’t know, using my contact list to blanket the town with pitches or projects. That hurts MY reputation. So, I don’t put myself in that position.

 

And that’s how Facebook has made me an asshole. If you don’t like it, tweet about it…

 

On second thought, don’t even get me started on Twitter…

The Economy, The EDD, and Other Things That Suck!

Hello, trusty readers! I’m very sorry that I haven’t posted for a while. It’s been a crazy summer, and sadly I don’t mean that in the good way. I left my development job a while back and in case you haven’t noticed, the job market sucks. There’s nothing out there. Unless you worked for a big studio. Or CAA. Or spent the last 4 years picking up dog shit so your boss finally promoted you. Or you’re sleeping with a big name writer or director. But that’s it. And independent producing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be! The flexibility and freedom is nice, but the unemployment department doesn’t give a shit.  

And let me just go on a quick rant about California’s EDD (Employment Development Dept.) for a second. Now, all of us in CA – and especially LA – know that unemployment has reached epidemic levels here. Not just displaced agents and execs, but crew, vendors, stores, etc. Unemployment in CA is at about 70%. No? Oh, well maybe it just feels like it. I thought about getting a job selling oranges on the freeway, but alas, that job is taken. Turns out you have to be born into it. 

Anyway, I called EDD the other day to check on the status of my extension for unemployment benefits. After DAYS of calling -  over an hour each day at least – I FINALLY reached a human, who told me that because so many people are on unemployment, not only are they not checking claims on the phone anymore – but there is NO way to get information on your claim. The EDD has hired hundreds of new phone operators, but all they are trained to do – their whole job – is to take a message and tell the caller that someone will call them back within 5 days. Five DAYS! To which I asked – what if they don’t? She retorted, well then I guess you’ll have to do this again. Awesome. I actually got a response 4 days later, however, it was an EMAIL – not a phone call – and it did not answer my question at all. In fact, the woman had written down my question incorrectly, so this correspondence was worthless. So, here’s a little note from the bigger blogger to our esteemed Governator and the EDD – Eat Me!

The economy has obviously affected the business in a ton of ways. Over the last few weeks, I have called almost every major studio and financier to pitch a couple projects I am working on independently. And probably half said they weren’t really looking that hard at the moment. Sure, they’ll read it. But unless it has a big star, director or big money attached, they can’t do anything with it. Disney, Weinstein, Paramount, Vantage, MGM, UA, etc. – they are all just hangin’ out, waiting for the money truck to roll in. Even some of the biggest “independent producers” haven’t been able to make a movie in a year.  Not to mention that many companies have been quietly letting go of their development staffs.

Even with record setting summer box office numbers, the business is stagnant. So much so that more execs than ever raced down to Comic Con this weekend just to pretend like they had something to do. So what is an unemployed exec to do? You’ve got to make your own niche, find your own projects, your own writers. Or fuck it – just write something yourself as MANY of my friends are currently doing. And when all else fails, there’s always teaching. Because if there’s anything my education taught me, it’s that students don’t know when you’re full of shit. And if there’s one thing being an exec in this industry teaches you how to be – it’s full of shit.  

What makes me bitter about it all, is knowing how badly I am struggling, while seeing so many of the other execs out of work having a grand old time and not worrying about paying their bills. It made me realize something. Most people on the “creative” or “development” side of this business – come from money. I never really thought about it – but it’s largely true. Why else would their parents be okay with their kids going into an industry where starting salary is half of what a God damn janitor makes? Did you know that starting salary for an assistant at a studio is about $25-30K/year. It’s about $22-25K if you’re at an independent. It’s $400-500 a week at an agency. You can’t live on that in Bumblefuck, Idaho, much less Los Angeles. So they MUST have parental support! 

Most don’t give a crap about the EDD because they have mommy or daddy or crazy Uncle Trust Fund picking up the slack. They can work at their own pace, because they don’t have to worry about rent. The ones that were working for studios were making more than enough money to save and so they don’t HAVE to worry about finding another job. Hence, the bitter taste in my mouth. 

Here are the two things no one tells you before you move out to LA to pursue your dreams.  One – have a perfectly executable back-up plan. And two – have money. Don’t come out here with a dollar and a dream because this ain’t the damn Super Lotto. Money begets money in this town and that’s on a personal AND professional level. The indie producer who went to film school but doesn’t have any financing can’t get a movie made for years, but the guy who made millions as a car salesman and now wants to make movies but never even went to college, gets a three picture deal at Universal. That’s the business, folks! 

And if you’ve missed my biting wit, you’re gonna be downright depressed in a second because this will be my last post as the anonymous development executive blogger for filmindustrybloggers, at least on a regular basis.  I have loved writing for this site and saying things that could get me in trouble, even though sadly, they didn’t. And I thought being anonymous would be really easy, liberating and fun. But it turns out, everything I’d like to say would make it pretty damn obvious who I am. And being anonymous doesn’t let me promote myself, my projects, my company, find a job, make money, etc. And if I’ve taught you all anything, it’s that you always have to look out for number one – yourself – because no one else in this town is going to. Unless you’re Gay. Or Asian. Or went to Harvard. Or worked at CAA. But that’s it – everyone else has to look out for themselves.  

So, I have to put my energies towards something that is going to pay the rent. I thought about selling myself on Craigslist or on YouTube like ScriptGirl, but sadly, it doesn’t pay enough. Not unless you have boobs like she does.  

Man, this blog felt good. I haven’t been able to go on a good rant in a while. I feel like Bill Maher, but without the coke and hookers. So, while I wont be a “regular” contributor anymore, perhaps I’ll post a good rant every once in a while just for kicks. Or therapy. Or to keep things interesting. Or to remind myself I’m still alive. But that’s it – just once in a while. Thanks all and good luck! You’ll need it!

How to Play Nice with Others…Especially Execs

Whether we are meeting a new writer at a pitchfest or in a meeting or technologically like through virtualpitchfest, the biggest fear that every development executive has is – is this person going to play nice? Is this person speaking to me going to be someone that I am want to deal with for the next 1-5 years of my life? If I give this person my card, is he or she going to abuse that priviledge?

Now I have listened to thousands of pitches and met with hundreds of writers, and for the most part, they were all great. But I’d say out of 3000 pitches, I’ve had 20 or 30 writers that just didn’t know how to play nice.  But lately, there have been a few more than usual, so I figured I’d just nip this in the bud. 

What does that mean – play nice? Well it means the following:

1.     You’re going to respect the pass. If you have pitched me (whether in person, or over the internet) and I politely pass and do not ask for the script, you need to take that as the answer. While I always admire persistence, there’s a thin line between that and being pushy or annoying. There is probably a reason I passed – whether it’s the writing or it’s something we are developing already or it’s just not the genre we are looking for, etc. –you asking 3 more times or begging is not going to change my mind. It’s only going to reinforce the pass.

2.     If you have my card, you’re not going to call every day or every week or even every month to pitch a new idea or re-pitch an old one because you’ve made changes.  Do not pitch the same project to me more than once unless you have done a complete page one rewrite. And never pitch it more than twice.

3.     If you don’t like the response you get, you’re not going to send off an angry email telling me how development executives are evil and stupid. I have gotten hate mail and I usually enjoy it, but does anyone think the best way to get a second chance is by challenging and insulting me? Come on. If you can’t play like adults, go back to sitting at the kids table.

4.     You’re not going to give out my information to your whole writing group or class or every writer you know. You worked to get that card - they didn’t.

5.     No MyStalking. Just because we had a lovely 5 minute conversation and I asked to read your script, that doesn’t mean I want to be bffs. It doesn’t mean I want to add you to my friends list on Facebook or Myspace or any other site. Yes, those sites are for networking. But, I don’t accept requests from random writers I don’t know personally (or who aren’t professional famous writers of course) on my facebook because I don’t want to be pitched through those sites. And neither does any other exec, and there have been a rash of facebook queries in the last few months. Not the right way.

So – why DON’T I just take 10 minutes and read the first 15 pages? It’s not that big a deal, right? Well, it’s simple math actually. Let’s say I get pitched 100 scripts in any given day at a pitchfest. Maybe –MAYBE – I’ll ask for 10 scripts. That means I’m passing on 90. If for all those passes – scripts I wasn’t interested in – I had to read 15 pages…that would take roughly 900 minutes. That’s 15 hours. Why and how could I spend 15 hours reading 15 pages of scripts that didn’t interest me? You need to respect our time and there are just not enough hours in the month. Sometimes a person’s sob story wins me over, but their script…never does.  

We all realize how hard you have worked on these scripts. And every writer thinks that if they can just get someone to read 10 pages, we will love it. And while our opinions are completely subjective and occasionally wrong, they do come with at least a few years of experience and a different perspective from yours. And we can often tell within a 5 minute pitch – even without reading the script – how that script is going to read. Writers hate when I say that because they think it somehow devalues their talent or their hard work. Perhaps it does, even though it’s not meant to. But I am right 85% of the time and I like those odds.

You all remember the golden rule of the sandbox. Well - here’s the golden rule of screenwriters – pitch unto others as you’d like others to pitch unto you.

The Carrot in Front of Your Face

Our whole industry is based on a Bugs Bunny Cartoon. That silly wabbit was constantly being led around by a carrot on a stick placed strategically just out of grasp, though it seemed so close. This is the very essence of Hollywood and why thousands of people – from the homecoming queens to the techie geeks – swarm towards Los Angeles every year. And it’s why people who have been here for 5, 10 or 15 years, stick around, even if they have yet to find success, money, or fame. We all come out here with these five year plans – mine was to become a TV writer (oh well) – but when five years comes and goes in what seems to be a blink of an eye and you’re nowhere near where you thought you’d be…you have to find something that keeps you going. Enter, the Carrot.

We’ve all read the piece in Variety about that boy from the Mid West who graduated college, moved out to LA on a Friday and sent his first script (which he wrote in two weeks) to his old roommates’ friends’ brother who happened to be an assistant at William Morris, who loved it, brought it to his boss, who also loved it, who gave it to a junior exec at Imagine or Bruckheimer or some studio one week later, and BAM – that lucky fresh off the boat fucker is eating so many carrots his face turns a lovely shade of orange.  But for most, it’s a much longer chase. 

When I moved out to LA just a few months after graduating college, I came with a few suitcases, a few thousand dollars – most of which I spent on my car – and tons of good friends who had also made the transition. And we used to all hang out at alum-friendly bars and have parties and reminisce and commiserate. And there were probably a good 50 of us from my graduating class (or the year preceding us) that while we all weren’t close friends, we felt this connection and we were always happy to help each other. Since that time, probably 60-70 percent of them have since left the business or moved back East. And it wasn’t because they couldn’t hack it – it was because they stopped caring about the carrot. They stopped visualizing it. Some just stopped enjoying chasing it. And others realized it wasn’t the right carrot for them. For some, their carrot included family, babies, and buying a house instead of isolation, long hours and eternally renting. I don’t blame them. And while I miss some of them, the rest of me is happy they are gone because it means there’s one less person chasing that damn vegetable, so perhaps my odds just got a bit better. 

This infinitesimal possibility is what keeps us all here. Because you just don’t know when or where or how you are going to get that big break – but it’s coming. Maybe it’s this next project you find, or write, or direct. Maybe it’s this little indie project you acted in for free. Maybe it’s this new assistant job for a bigwig studio exec. You just never know. The entertainment industry is really the only industry where you can be working 70 hour weeks for $450/wk one month and be a millionaire calling your own shots the next. And we all think it will happen to us. And just when you start realizing that it’s not going to…your best friend signs a multi-picture deal at a studio or her pilot spec gets bought or he books a role in a studio movie…and then you’re faced with an even bigger problem – trying not to hate your friend.  But that’s a whole different story.

I know I’m supposed to be the bitter blogger – and I am. But in some ways I’m just as optimistic and hopeful as the rest of the inhabitants of this crazy town, because while I have yet to be paid what I’m actually worth, I can feel it coming. And I’m not leaving until I at least get a taste of that delicious carrot.  

If The World Was A Fempire

If you were wondering when I would write a blog that might piss a bunch of people off…wait no longer. For those of you who missed it, there was an article published in the New York Times Fashion and Style Section on March 20 (yes I realize this was a while ago) about the female Entourage-type group of writers self-nicknamed The Fempire. Its members are the insanely successful, insanely hip, and insanely hot foursome of Diablo Cody, Dana Fox, Liz Meriwether and Lorene Scafaria.

For those of you who have been living under a rock, these four distinguished ladies have taken Hollywood by storm the last few years having collectively (though separately) written the Academy Award winner “Juno,” “27 Dresses,” “What Happens in Vegas,” “The Wedding Date,” the Showtime Series “United States of Tara,” the upcoming “Jennifer’s Body” and one of my personal favorite comedies of last year, “Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist.”

And before you get all in a huff, this is not a hate piece about them at all. In fact, I have been a fan of Cody, Fox and Scafaria for a long time and Meriwhether who is the baby of the group, I’m sure will live up to their high standards. I loved the pilot she wrote titled “Sluts.” I would absolutely love to work with any of these writers and I think male, female, robot, whatever – these women are at the top of their game. I am in awe of their talent, their work ethic and their ability to stay friends in a business where friendships are qualified by how much you can do for each other. I wish I had real friends that were as supportive as these women are for each other. Well – I do – but they all live in New York and none of them are really in the film business. Oh well. 

And while their movies haven’t made the box office coinage that the Apatow/Rogen/Rudd movies have grossed, they have made a statement – women are no longer second to men in this industry. Which brings me to the point of this blog…If women are no longer second to men…perhaps they could stop complaining about how they are? 

The article points out that “among the screenwriters who are in steady demand for major projects, only about 20 are women.” But how many writers out there (other than actor/writers like Jonah Hill and Jason Segel) are really in steady demand? 50? 60? Twenty of them being female isn’t that bad of a ratio. Yes, most writers’ rooms on TV shows are filled with Harvard-educated men, but I think that says more about the division in this industry between Ivy League vs. Non-Ivy League, than it does about men vs. women. Does anyone think Tina Fey isn’t the funniest writer in the room?

Are there more male producers and writers than female? Yeah. But why does every woman in this industry have to point out that they are a “woman in a man’s job.” Don’t they know how insulting that is to women? You’re not doing a MAN’S job. You’re doing YOUR job which MEN also happen to do. As far as I can tell, the only MALE job out there is being a FATHER. Maybe if they stopped referring to producing, writing or directing as being a “male world,” it would increasingly stop seeming like one.

There are two companies in the last few months that were looking for a new executive. Want me to name names? Here you go…State Street Pictures and Underground Entertainment. And no matter how many qualified male candidates there might have been, they were set on hiring females. And this happens all the time for one reason or another. Companies say they want minorities only or females only or USC grads only. It’s their prerogative and while it sucks, I accept it. I just can’t stand when I hear that companies are only looking for women, and at the same time, I hear how women are treated unfairly. I’m officially calling bullshit. 

While I have not done the empirical research, it has been reported that there are now more women going to college than men. Far more women move to LA every year than men. And looking around, I think there are more female assistants in Hollywood than male, which would reason that there are probably more low level female executives than male – or at least a pretty even number. So why are there more higher-level male execs than women? It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. Around the ages of 27-33, the prime age for promotion to that cushy VP job, most women start hearing that ol’ biological clock and they choose to get married and start a family instead of continuing to pursue their career. Is that fair? I don’t know — I don’t have ovaries. But I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be blamed for that. And I’m definitely sure the industry as a whole shouldn’t be blamed for it either. 

It’s pretty well known that there are some women in this industry who have chosen not to have children and have instead decided to make their companies or their movies their babies, which I completely respect. However, when a young, hot new female assistant starts at their company, instead of trying to take them under their wing, the female bosses usually try to devour them and spit them out. Men seem to like having protégées, while women seem to enjoy being the only Queen Bee in the hive. Perhaps if more women were like those that inhabit the Fempire, more of them would get ahead.  

I’ve worked for both men and women, and while the men I’ve worked for were constantly trying to prove they could do the job better and become more successful, the women were constantly trying to prove they could do their job better than men. Perhaps if women tried to drop that chip from their shoulder, they’d be able to get ahead without having to undermine every man with whom they work. I’m actually a feminist in that I want real equality. I want the best person for the job to be hired – and if that’s a woman – fantastic! I want women to make equal pay. I want men to be able to get a sick day every month because sometimes we feel bitchy too. I want men to get paternity leave just like women should get maternity leave. I want women to get hired and promoted because they deserve it – because they are smart and have a great personality - not because they wear short skirts and have great…assets. Because as sexist as women might find that, men trying to get hired for the same job - hate it even more. 

So let’s all (men and women) take a lesson from the Fempire. Do great work, be smart and savvy and unselfish, and let’s forget about the differences in our pants and get the job done!

Killing Your Babies: Why $$ Beats Pride

As a development exec and producer, I always tell writers that when it comes to taking notes, if you aren’t willing to kill their babies and make whatever changes I suggest, which are always in the efforts to make the script the best and most commercial and sellable version of itself, than I don’t need to work with you.  And writers often hate execs for this. But what writers don’t usually realize is that we take your scripts very personally. As someone who does not work for a studio, I find projects and develop them, sometimes from scratch, with writers. And after going through numerous meetings and calls and rewrites and notes, because so many of my own ideas, lines and/or jokes are implemented and used, the script becomes partly mine – in my heart. I’m not saying I take credit or ask to put my name on it, but these scripts become my babies the same way they are the writers’. Development execs do get attached, emotionally, to certain projects.

 

So once we have developed it, and we send it into studios, and studios tell us “we like it but…this has to change, and this has to be cut, and this storyline should go, etc.” - basically completely change everything, I am left in the same position as the writer who brought his or her first draft to me…Do I suck it up and kill my babies in efforts to get it set up, or do I stick to my story instincts and look elsewhere for a place that won’t change my vision.  And while I know the ultimate answer is almost always CHANGE THE SCRIPT, the project I am currently working on has made me question my own policy.

 

I can’t give too many specifics as it might affect both my anonymity and the project I’m about to talk about, but I would love to hear some comments or stories from writers or other execs in the same boat.  

 

Here’s the deal. I set up a larger budget project at a studio about a year and a half ago. It was a script I found, developed with the writer, did numerous rewrites with him, and got it to a place where I was confident it could be sent out. Was it perfect? No, not nearly. But it was solid, it was commercial and it had brand recognition of sorts as it was based on a book. I was proud of it and was very excited when I got it set up myself.

 

The studio was incredibly excited about the project. We didn’t have a green light, as there was no package, but they were fast tracking it and it was going to be a big project for them. We did another draft with the writer based on their notes, many of which we (the producers) actually agreed with. It was a hard re-write that changed many of the story beats and the writer wasn’t thrilled about it, but he sucked it up and made them because quite frankly – he was making more money than he had made before and this project would be huge for his career (this was when he made the decision of money over pride, a smart decision by the way).

 

The draft was done, and it was good enough to go out to directors with, though we all knew it wouldn’t be the final draft or the final writer to work on it. Then, some shit happened. I can’t say what, because that would give away both the studio and the project’s identity, but whatever shit happened caused the project to be put on hold for a while. It basically sat there for a year. And by the way – the writer got paid for the option and the rewrite, while us producers got jack squat for our efforts.

 

Then, just as that pesky option period was winding down, the studio miraculously decided to hire a new writer (an often used tactic to delay giving back the project) and move forward with the project. Good news, right? Perhaps. There are some other issues that I can’t discuss, however here’s the issue I bring to you today…the new writer and the studio want to go in a completely different direction with the project. Basically, the whole entire script will be rewritten from page 1 and the story will be about 90% different.  Oh - and the original writer…has no idea…yet. Most of the basic concept and the main protagonists and antagonists will be the same, but the hook, some of the characters, the setting, and almost all of the storyline, will be different. Not to mention some of the great lines I — I mean, our original writer — wrote.

 

And while I don’t think our script is perfect by any means, I really liked the hook we created that is now being completely re-tooled. So, much like the writer, I have to decide…do I suck it up because getting the movie made (and making some real money and getting a real credit) is my first priority, or do I tell the Studio head that I hate their ideas and don’t think the new writer is going in the right direction, possibly forcing the project back on the shelf? Well, the answer, as I said, is obvious…I suck it up for the benefit of the project…and my bank account. I will state my opinion in my notes and in the new writers’ pitch meetings, trying to keep the parts of the script I truly love (the cute babies), and explain why certain things should stay, but at the end of the day, just like our original writer, I have to roll over and take it. 

 

But here’s two tips for writers. First off, your producers/development execs (not the studio execs but the producer who worked with you to develop the script) do have you and your vision in mind. While we may not be able to win the fight, we will fight the battles for you in the room. And we are your best allies.  The second tip is - unless you are a super A-list writer, you are going to get re-written and no matter who you are, you are going to get notes. Lots of them. And while you should always write from your own instincts, always know that your instincts as a writer are not the same as the instincts of a studio executive, and quite frankly, their instincts come with a signed check, so theirs win. Not that theirs are better than yours – which is pretty clear by the amount of shit that is released that was originally a great script – but this is Hollywood, where writing is a three step process – write, edit, and bend over. Because in the end, money always takes precedence over pride.

 

Is Your Writers Group Worth It?

If I wanted to become a doctor, but I didn’t really want to go to school for it or do it full time, so I just joined up with a handful of other people who wanted to be doctors and twice a month we talked about what we would or should do in specific medical cases without any real doctors actually telling us if we were right or wrong - do you think a hospital would hire me? I would friggin’ hope not. And to me, this analogy is why I think most writers groups are pointless.

Now before you all jump down my throat, I am fully aware that there are some very elite and picky writers groups in LA, NY, Chicago, etc., that turn out great writers with great material. I know there are some groups where writers have to be in WGA or be produced or optioned or represented to even be considered. I’m not talking about these few super elite groups. I’m talking about the rest of them.

The blind leading the blind is an often used phrase because it applies in so many instances, none more perfect than with a writer’s group full of people who don’t have a clue. In doing events around the Country, so many writers pitch to me by saying their writers group thought it was the best and really liked it. Well…congratulations. But, the shiniest piece of shit in the pile is still a piece of shit.

I’m not saying writing groups don’t have their upside. They give writers deadlines, motivation and peer feedback. And if you are only looking to write as a hobby or as therapy or just for fun – then this is great! But if you’re stuck in Nebraska (or even if you’re in LA) and you want to jumpstart your screenwriting career, your writers group full of beginners isn’t going to help you. They don’t know the market, they don’t know what sells or what’s in production or development, they don’t know how to pitch, and many don’t even know how to write. So why do you care what they say about your idea or script? Yes, you’re getting a new perspective, but it’s probably an uneducated one, so what’s the point? They may be telling you to lose the ONE thing that makes your script stand out because they just can’t see it. Like being given a fruitcake at Christmas, just smile and nod and pretend like you love what they are saying, and then find someone who knows what the hell they are talking about.

If you want valuable, knowledgeable and professional feedback, spend the money and go to a real script reader or analyst service. There’s a ton of ‘em. They probably seem more expensive than your writer group, but if you add up all the chips, dip and wine you had to buy to bring to the meetings, it would probably equal what you’d pay a real analyst to make notes on your script, and you’d get much more out of it. Or find a mentor who can guide your career and your writing process – someone who has experience in the industry and is a professional writer.

For those who do want to be part of a writer group, make sure that at least a few of the members have sold or optioned something to a REAL company. Preferably, something that was produced. And hopefully some should have representation, because the best thing that can come from a writer’s group besides inspiration and perspective is networking. And if you don’t live in LA or NY, try to join a group online where members are in LA, because you need that perspective. But quite frankly, I’ve never known a script to sell because the executive was so impressed with the writers group the author was a member of.

And if you’re going to join a writers group do some due dilligence and make sure you are joining a group where you will actually get something out of it other than some decent snacks and polite conversation. Cause if that’s what you want, stop writing and start playing mahjongg.

From Assistant to President: A Different Take

So, I wouldn’t normally write a blog in response or in connection to another blog on this site, especially one written by someone I personally know, respect, love and work with.  But after reading Rachel Miller’s blog that mentions how often the situation arises where an assistant is promoted to a high level executive position almost over night, it sparked something in my head that needed to come out of my mouth (or at least my fingertips).

Now, I want to be SUPER clear. Rachel Miller has worked for some of the best and brightest and hands down the HARDEST people to work for in this industry and she’s GREAT at what she does. She works harder than anyone else I know, 24/7 and her clients are insanely lucky to have her in their corner. So this has nothing to do with her and she is one of the people who truly deserved to go from assistant to CEO. But not everyone out there is like Rachel. And I know the point of her blog was actually to tell you to be nice to everyone and meet with everyone you can – to always network - and she’s absolutely right, so my blog is not meant to take anything away from her point.   My point is simply an observation related to her blog – and that is: Some of these people who seem to rocket from Assistant to President – are wildly unqualified and preclude those who are, from getting these jobs.

Rachel mentioned John Palermo, whom I don’t know personally, as a perfect example of this, though I think he’s another exception to my rule because he seems to actually know what he’s doing (“Viva Laughlin” not withstanding).  But there are many more out there and like John, most of them were assistants to actors or directors. These are the most plum jobs in the entertainment industry because not only do they get all the great swag from every awards show and party their bosses are invited to, but they also become ingrained in their life, becoming tight with the agents, managers and all the producers that their boss works with. So even if their boss doesn’t start their own company and they aren’t able to get promoted that way, they have an inside track with the agencies and are able to find exec jobs through them much easier than any other assistant in Hollywood. Plus, these assistants learn all the dirty little secrets of their bosses (hello, confidentiality agreement) and make themselves invaluable to these stars who sign their paychecks (something everyone should do no matter who you’re working for).  

Yes, if you land one of these coveted gigs you’ll probably have to get coffee and clean up dog shit for a year or two, and of course put up with all the crap and innate insecurity that comes with working for talent, but if you’re lucky enough to latch on to a celebrity who becomes so successful that they start their own company, as MANY have done in the last 5 years or so, you can basically write your own ticket. I can name 50 actors who have their own company and that’s just scratching the surface. Not to mention the writers, directors and big name producers. And many are run by people who were the stars’ assistant.  But here’s my question – is it a good thing for the rest of Hollywood when people can go from poop scooper to producer or president in a years’ time? 

Of course that is the exact lure of this industry. The eternal carrot dangled ever-closer in our faces. The fact that one year we can be living on Ramen noodles and doing menial tasks 12 hours a day and the next year, we could be making 6 digit salaries and getting invites to the Oscars. And for the most part it’s all about luck. I have a friend who, when he stepped off the boat, signed up with a temp agency and the first job he got through that agency was as Tom Cruise’s personal assistant. Seriously. But the question remains - how can someone who was previously charged with keeping one person’s schedule, reading a few scripts, and making sure the reservation at the new hot restaurant was made, be able to produce a movie? That’s one hell of a learning curve. I know that after my year or two of being an assistant was over, I wasn’t nearly ready to take that step. Now, there are a couple of popular anonymous tracking boards that trash people who were perhaps promoted too quickly. But I’m not here to trash specific people (sorry) – just point out that the situation exists and in some cases, the upward mobility is unearned. 

And you don’t even have to work for a huge star. B-Listers and even C-Listers have their own companies these days. I think the only thing more depressing than reality stars starting their own film or TV Company is the fact that their star-fucking assistants become players in a game they are not qualified to play in.

Now, this isn’t to take away from the role an assistant plays. It’s a hard fucking job! We’ve all been there. We’ve all paid our dues. It’s part gatekeeper, part office manager, part accountant, part development exec, part travel agent, part driver, part bitch, and part God. And all of that is probably greatly amplified when you’re working for a celebrity or big name. And there ARE some people who learn what they need to in two years time and ARE perfectly qualified to run a company. But they are not in the majority.  

As someone who has had to look for an executive job, after already being an executive elsewhere, I can’t tell you how frustrating it was to hear that instead of a company hiring someone with exec experience, they chose someone who was an assistant because they wanted to be in business with the star that person worked for previously.

Here’s the real reason many of these people get promoted…ready? Because these stars (or directors, producers, or high level executives) can’t afford to get rid of them. They have invested their time and money in these people and who have already earned their trust and know too much about them. So instead of looking outward for people with real experience, they would rather just give their assistant a nice title bump and a cut of the profits and hope for the best. Which quite frankly, really fucks the rest of us over. Now I know what you’re thinking – I’m just bitter. Well, yeah…I guess I am (you all read my first blog right?). I don’t deny it. I wish I had been smart enough when I came out to LA to find the closest celebrity I could and ask to walk their dog and pick up their lunch.  I wish I had used my internships to become some unknown comedian’s butt buddy in hopes they’d have a TV deal five years later. And I wish I had known then that this would be the best and quickest track to success. But alas, hindsight is 20/20.

So if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wait outside Dan Tana’s with a sponge and a squeegee in hopes that some nice celebrity has a car in need of a good scrubbing, cause I want a full producer credit on my IMDB before I’m 35.

The Grand Prize Is….A Script You Can’t Sell!

I am asked all the time by writers who want to get their script made if it’s worth it to enter all the screenwriting contests they can find and my quick answer to them is NO.  Because here’s the thing about screenwriting contests - in general, the scripts that usually win – never get made! The only exception to this might be Nicholls, where many of the winning scripts have been produced including the recent winner “Butter” which is going into production.

Why won’t they sell you ask? Because what a contest looks for and what studios and the marketplace look for are very different which is why I don’t feel contests are decent barometers for successful writers. Good writers? Maybe. But successful writers? No.

Now, if you’re interested in simply breaking in and getting noticed and landing some meetings with representation, my answer would be different. Contests can be a fantastic stepping stone or springboard for a writer, not to mention make them some extra living money. Nicholls especially has launched many a career, including Susannah Grant, Jacob Estes, Ehren Kruger, and Karen Moncrieff.

There are certainly some contests out there that mean a great deal in the industry and will get you noticed if you place high enough or win, like Nicholls, the Disney Fellowship or the Creative Screenwriting Expo Contest.  But because in general, the project you win with is probably never getting made, you need to have other scripts already written that you can pitch and send to all the people you’ll be meeting with.  FYI, if you just placed as a semi-finalist in the Iowa Regional Screenwriting Bonanza – no one gives a shit. And you should definitely not write this blazing accomplishment in your query letters.

Small or statewide contests are fine if you just want to practice writing, or it’s just a hobby, or you really want to win the $250 grand prize and free dinner at the local steakhouse. But if you’re serious about screenwriting, don’t waste your time.  And being a quarterfinalist means nothing no matter what contest it is. If you only made it to the quarterfinals in a competition where only 50 or 100 scripts were submitted, then that tells us you weren’t good enough. Even quarterfinals in Nicholls, where there are 5500 submissions, still means that over 1000 other scripts were better than yours. So why would that be a selling point?

Do you know what kind of scripts win most contests? Sweeping period dramas, war movies, quirky low budget character pieces, intricate multi-character prestige pieces, or loving family films. You know how many of those are made at studios per year? Like 5. And I guarantee almost none of them were contest winners. So I don’t understand why competitions put uncommercial material on a pedestal. It almost encourages writers to write against the marketplace, and therefore hurts their chances of selling something. Now good writing is good writing and the cream will rise to the top and be noticed, but you’re never going to see the winning script of the Disney Fellowship be a raunchy college comedy, a slasher movie or an erotic thriller, no matter how well they might be written. But guess what – that’s what sells!

I met with a writer who placed really high, if not won, the Nicholls fellowship a few years ago. And I asked her what prompted her to write that screenplay. What inspired her to tell that story? And to her credit, she was completely honest and told me “Because I knew it would win the Nicholls and I really needed the money.” This was not a first time writer – she had been around – but she hadn’t sold anything, so she was still eligible to submit her stuff. And because she knew that she was good enough to make it to the finals, all she had to do was match her skills with the type of story that contests drool over, and she knew she had it made. And she did. She made thousands of dollars off that script from different contests – but it never got set up and never got made.

Part of me got angry at her for being so smug and screwing over other writers that maybe should have won but didn’t because they didn’t have the right genre of script, but more of me was so impressed with her savvy, knowing what types of projects would win the contest, that I couldn’t be angry with her. She wrote a script without having irrational or ridiculous hopes for it. She wrote a script for one purpose – to win $10K in a contest. And she did it.

I was a judge for Scriptapalooza years ago – okay actually my boss was, but guess who read every fucking script they sent over and told him who to pick? That’s right.  And what I learned was that you’re not really picking the great script, you’re picking the best script from the pile you’re given. I honestly hated every single one I read. I remember thinking – these can’t be the finalists! So, especially for smaller contests where there aren’t five thousand entries, being the best doesn’t necessarily mean you’re that good. It just means these other people sucked more.

Yes, it’s worth it to enter into a National (usually LA-based) screenwriting competition, just know what you’re getting into and be realistic about the outcome. Always give preference to your career in the long run as opposed to that single script. 

As a tip, the following contests are the ones execs are more likely to pay attention to:

Nicholls Fellowship, Disney/ABC Writing Fellowship, Sundance Feature Film Program, Scriptapalooza, Screenwriting Expo – CS Contest, USC Competition, UCLA Competition, Final Draft Screenwriting Contest, Austin Film Festival Screenplay Competition, Slamdance Screenwriting Competition, Screamfest (genre specific), Page International Screenwriting Contest, Nickelodeon Writing Fellowship Program, International Family Film Festival (genre specific), Moondance, Visionfest, Acclaim, Creative World Awards, BlueCat Screenplay Competition.

Let the comments commence…Am I wrong? What are your thoughts on the best contests to enter? The worst? Leave them here!

Increase in A.D.D + Good Weed = High Concept Movies

First let me apologize for not posting sooner. It’s been a crazy couple weeks, but ive got some great blogs set up for the next couple weeks… And let’s start with a new theory I’ve come up with….

 

I’m pretty sure the term high concept was hatched years ago by studio execs that were completely stoned out of their head and didn’t have the attention span to read a whole paragraph, so they called their preference to only read one-liners the “high concept.” 

 

And with the ridiculous number of adults “struggling” with Attention Deficit Disorder these days, I’m not surprised that this trend has become the only way a project gets sold. The levels for reported A.D.D. increased about 1000% in the last 15 years, so can you imagine what’s going to happen 10 years from now when all of those children are running the business world? Bedlam. That’s what.

 

Now I’ve smoked a good deal of pot in my day. And by my day, I mean last week. And I know that when I’m baked, there’s nothing better than sitting down and watching a mindless comedy or horror movie and laughing my ass off while eating something crunchy…and cheesy…and chocolaty…mmmmmm….But do we really have to aim our whole industry at servicing the stoners and the ever growing population of people who suffer from A.D.D.?

 

I have worked for at least one person, if not a few, who suffered from horrible A.D.D. or ADHD and let me tell you – it’s not fun. Having a meeting or hearing a pitch with someone with A.D.D. is like trying to get the attention of an 8 week old puppy who needs to be taken for a walk. It’s impossibly frustrating. I once had a development meeting where I went through pitching a list of 20 projects I had read that week while my boss literally cleaned his ears – with his finger – and then looked at me like he just discovered I was in the room and said, “What did you say?”

 

And this is the type of person this industry has decided to promote to a place where they have the power to greenlight a project. So is it any surprise why so much shit gets made these days?

 

I’m not a huge fan of high concept projects on principle. Why? Because usually that’s all these scripts have – a big concept. A great logline. A commercial one-liner. And from great, experienced writers, I expect more. Any idiot can write ONE good line and as the many pitchfests I have attended have proven, any idiot can come up with a good concept. And then it becomes the development exec’s problem and task to make sure the script cashes in correctly on the brilliant concept and pitch. The problem is that these “high concept” scripts aren’t usually supported by great characters, emotions, or stories that really connect with an audience. They may attract or grab an audience, but they don’t connect with them – and there is a difference. One’s visceral and one’s personal.

 

High concept blockbusters are the filmmaking and literary equivalent of putting something big and shiny in front of a baby’s face and going – Look! Look! Coochie Coo! And audiences turn their heads at the shiny object as they giggle and go “Oooohhhhhh” and we don’t notice that we are being made dumber by that very automatic attraction we have to it.

I’m not saying I’m not a fan of mindless tent pole blockbuster movies – in fact – I love them! Superheroes, disaster movies, big action, explosions, Michael Bay…okay well…maybe not Michael Bay. But seriously, I enjoy all of this stuff. What I don’t like is how all other types of projects are being pushed aside in this town in favor of these. Studios are only interested in Oscar winners and Tent poles, and that attitude trickles down to the companies who have deals with the studios, and then down to indie companies trying to sell anything in a brutal market, which trickles down further to the writers who are trying to impress upon any company they can that they know how to write something commercial.

 

This means that it is increasingly harder for production companies to set up projects, and all those great little non-high concept projects are being relegated to DVD releases, if that. Sure there are smaller, character driven movies being made, but not many by studios. And if you notice, these days most of the “indies” out there are being directed or written by big names, have even bigger stars attached, and are made for much more than the million dollars that used to be considered an indie film. Today, there are $60M indies being made. I don’t think that’s what the Spirit Awards had in mind.

 

I had a teen comedy I was trying to sell a while back. One that had a star, had director interest, and could be made for about $10M. I was told by a few studios that it’s not worth their time, because even if it made $50M at the box office, it’s not worth the money when you factor in $15-20M for P&A. So apparently, making $20-30M in profit isn’t worth a studio’s time. So what are we left with being forced to sell? Shit like “Knowing” and “Poseidon” and “Watchmen” and whatever was shat out of Seth Rogen or Kevin James’s ass this week. Perhaps if a few more of these mindless movies failed, studios would realize audiences can handle smarter material. The problem with that theory? Audiences, by and large, can’t. And why not? Because most of them are too hopped up on the same damn A.D.D/ADHD medication that the studio execs are on to concentrate on anything where the main character doesn’t say “WHOA” 20 times.

 

And that my friends, is how good weed and parents who would rather load their own kids up with drugs because they are too proud to call them dumb, have ruined the movie business. Thanks, Mom!

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