Rachel mentioned John Palermo, whom I don’t know personally, as a perfect example of this, though I think he’s another exception to my rule because he seems to actually know what he’s doing (“Viva Laughlin” not withstanding).  But there are many more out there and like John, most of them were assistants to actors or directors. These are the most plum jobs in the entertainment industry because not only do they get all the great swag from every awards show and party their bosses are invited to, but they also become ingrained in their life, becoming tight with the agents, managers and all the producers that their boss works with. So even if their boss doesn’t start their own company and they aren’t able to get promoted that way, they have an inside track with the agencies and are able to find exec jobs through them much easier than any other assistant in Hollywood. Plus, these assistants learn all the dirty little secrets of their bosses (hello, confidentiality agreement) and make themselves invaluable to these stars who sign their paychecks (something everyone should do no matter who you’re working for).  

Yes, if you land one of these coveted gigs you’ll probably have to get coffee and clean up dog shit for a year or two, and of course put up with all the crap and innate insecurity that comes with working for talent, but if you’re lucky enough to latch on to a celebrity who becomes so successful that they start their own company, as MANY have done in the last 5 years or so, you can basically write your own ticket. I can name 50 actors who have their own company and that’s just scratching the surface. Not to mention the writers, directors and big name producers. And many are run by people who were the stars’ assistant.  But here’s my question – is it a good thing for the rest of Hollywood when people can go from poop scooper to producer or president in a years’ time? 

Of course that is the exact lure of this industry. The eternal carrot dangled ever-closer in our faces. The fact that one year we can be living on Ramen noodles and doing menial tasks 12 hours a day and the next year, we could be making 6 digit salaries and getting invites to the Oscars. And for the most part it’s all about luck. I have a friend who, when he stepped off the boat, signed up with a temp agency and the first job he got through that agency was as Tom Cruise’s personal assistant. Seriously. But the question remains - how can someone who was previously charged with keeping one person’s schedule, reading a few scripts, and making sure the reservation at the new hot restaurant was made, be able to produce a movie? That’s one hell of a learning curve. I know that after my year or two of being an assistant was over, I wasn’t nearly ready to take that step. Now, there are a couple of popular anonymous tracking boards that trash people who were perhaps promoted too quickly. But I’m not here to trash specific people (sorry) – just point out that the situation exists and in some cases, the upward mobility is unearned. 

And you don’t even have to work for a huge star. B-Listers and even C-Listers have their own companies these days. I think the only thing more depressing than reality stars starting their own film or TV Company is the fact that their star-fucking assistants become players in a game they are not qualified to play in.

Now, this isn’t to take away from the role an assistant plays. It’s a hard fucking job! We’ve all been there. We’ve all paid our dues. It’s part gatekeeper, part office manager, part accountant, part development exec, part travel agent, part driver, part bitch, and part God. And all of that is probably greatly amplified when you’re working for a celebrity or big name. And there ARE some people who learn what they need to in two years time and ARE perfectly qualified to run a company. But they are not in the majority.  

As someone who has had to look for an executive job, after already being an executive elsewhere, I can’t tell you how frustrating it was to hear that instead of a company hiring someone with exec experience, they chose someone who was an assistant because they wanted to be in business with the star that person worked for previously.

Here’s the real reason many of these people get promoted…ready? Because these stars (or directors, producers, or high level executives) can’t afford to get rid of them. They have invested their time and money in these people and who have already earned their trust and know too much about them. So instead of looking outward for people with real experience, they would rather just give their assistant a nice title bump and a cut of the profits and hope for the best. Which quite frankly, really fucks the rest of us over. Now I know what you’re thinking – I’m just bitter. Well, yeah…I guess I am (you all read my first blog right?). I don’t deny it. I wish I had been smart enough when I came out to LA to find the closest celebrity I could and ask to walk their dog and pick up their lunch.  I wish I had used my internships to become some unknown comedian’s butt buddy in hopes they’d have a TV deal five years later. And I wish I had known then that this would be the best and quickest track to success. But alas, hindsight is 20/20.

So if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wait outside Dan Tana’s with a sponge and a squeegee in hopes that some nice celebrity has a car in need of a good scrubbing, cause I want a full producer credit on my IMDB before I’m 35.