Moviegoing Dating Woes

I’ve been cinema speed-dating for the past few weeks and honestly, there has to be a better way to find a match.

Every year, the holiday season hits and something hits me—I need to get out there more.  There are so many attractive films out there: exciting, passionate, foreign.  Why why why have I just been staying in and rewatching my West Wing DVDs when I could be seeing a different new movie every night??

Of course, I and every other unattached cinephile have to come to this conclusion just as the Hollywood year is coming to a close.  (It ends on February 22—Oscar Night, in case you’re not sensing where I’m headed.)  We’re all running around our respective cities, elbowing each other on line, frantically clicking away at movietickets.com as though our future happiness depends on the loading of one web page.  I say “cities” because you’re really out of the game if you live anywhere else.  How can you see anything worthwhile if you’re not living in a well-populated city?  Most of the best stuff doesn’t even make its way over to smaller towns and if you live somewhere like Albuquerque, well you’re not getting it until everyone else has already had a taste.

Look, we’re trapped in a system.  We can’t help it.  We’re programmed to think that it is absolutely imperative for us to see most if not all of the movies that are nominated for Oscars in time for the Oscar ceremony.  The kicker is that the studios only release their sure-things a couple of months before the big night so we have no choice but to speed-date if we want to avoid the falsely sympathetic smiles of our friends and family.  God help you if you’re a well-known movie lover and you haven’t seen one of the Best Picture nominees; you will get it from everyone.

Why do we buy into it?  It’s the studios who are making us think that our biological clocks are ticking, ticking, ticking and that time’s running out because no one wants to be that girl on Oscar Night without any movie to cheer for.  I certainly don’t.

So, we go online and do our research.  We read reviews and gossip with our friends to dig up all the dirt on our prospectives.  And then, we speed-date.

The world of cinema speed-dating is a dog-eat-dog hell.  Nothing feels worse than seeing a glaring “Sold Out” sign at a Tuesday afternoon screening of The Reader, a time you assumed was safe from the hungry hordes, who should be at work but instead are gleefully frustrating your plans.  This time of year, it’s almost impossible to see a good film, especially with your schedule.

Where’s the fun?  Where’s the joy?  It all gets lost somewhere in the frenzied desperation of cramming everything in before it’s too late.  How can you really find anything special if you don’t let yourself relax?  It makes sense, though, since the dating pool can be tricky to navigate.  You’re torn between picking what should win and what will win, which is a pretty unfair choice to make.  The Academy, like love itself, can be a real bitch.

Here’s what we have this year (in high school terms, since I haven’t had much experience in The Real World and most everyone remembers what high school was like, right?):

There are the obvious candidates, the “looks-good-on-paper” movies.  Everyone makes a big deal out of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; it has all the ingredients to be a winner.  It’s the well-liked jock that most people take at face value—no one will be surprised if it wins.  On the other hand, it can keep you there for, say, three hours and just keep going until you’re politely checking your watch and already thinking about the next date.  Doubt is like the arrogant rich kid, a classic prestige pic that knows all too well just how desirable it is.  Once you actually sit down with him, however, you might be turned off by his stiffness and proper façade.  You could go for brains over flash and choose Frost/Nixon—this year’s valedictorian.  Smart and sharp with quiet thrills, this is a movie you can share with Mom and Dad.  You have to dig a little bit to find the heart, and maybe not everyone’s into that, but this is a movie that won’t run out of things to say.  The question is: Can it survive against the more popular offerings?

Speaking of popular, don’t forget about the James Dean of this year’s class: The Dark Knight.  Dark, indeed—girls always do have a thing for bad boys.  The Dark Knight will throw you on the back of a motorcycle and tear through the city for one of the most exhilarating rides of your life.  It’s doubtful, though, that this is the kind of movie you want to settle down with and, years later, still see on the Best Picture winners list.  Less enticing, but more substantial, is the guy you should be with—Milk.  Well-rounded and charming, this one is a true gem.  Milk makes you feel good about yourself, someone you can spend two hours with and it feels like two too-short minutes; you just can’t get enough.  Milk is a stable choice.

Never underestimate the underdogs, who somehow squeeze themselves into your dating pool while you’re not paying attention.  Maybe your parents set you up with someone like The Reader—the last person in the world you expected to be spending time with, but you have to do it to avoid all the nagging you’ll get later about not giving it a try.  There are good surprises too, like this year’s write-in candidate for Homecoming King, Slumdog Millionaire.  This is the one that gets everyone talking excitedly as they scan the bandwagon for some extra space.  Power to you if you got in early and saw the potential before everyone started making such a big deal.  The problem is that popularity is fickle and it’s not always so easy to tell whether this is the real deal or whether tomorrow, people will be annoyed that Slumdog is getting so much attention.  As good as it might feel to have the King on your arm for one night, you don’t want to be left sitting in an empty bandwagon.

This whole process can be so frustrating that it’s easy to turn in desperation to something, well, easy.  You know you shouldn’t just jump into bed with anyone, but dating in this high-pressure atmosphere is too damn exhausting and unfulfilling.  That’s why My Bloody Valentine 3D and Push exist: no effort, quick satisfaction, lingering guilt, and then you’re back in the game.

Luckily, you have your friends to support you during this arduous process.  WALL*E and Happy-Go-Lucky always lift your spirits and remind you just how wonderful this world can be.  Good thing you have them by your side.  Unfortunately for the, the old adage that nice guys finish last proves too true, and you know they’re just never going to be crowned.  WALL*E and you may be a perfect match, but does a movie like WALL*E ever have a shot at Best Picture?  Not when we’re consigning it to the nerdy Best Animated Feature Category.  No, WALL*E gets to hang out in the Lonely Hearts Club with the equally underappreciated Man on Wire; you know documentaries will never get the love that’s reserved for sweeping narratives.

It’s all pretty discouraging.  This isn’t the way we were meant to watch movies.  It seems so forced and artificial.  But some of us just can’t help ourselves.  Come Oscar Night, no one wants to be alone.