IS THAT A LUMP IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

I love casting. But what is the saying that actors have? “Never work with children or animals.” Now, I cast a lot of young actors. This seems to be the basis of a lot of my work, but this week, this week I had to cast toddlers. I needed to find children, male or female to play the role of a son or daughter of a character in the film I am casting. The kid, of course, had to be cute. In addition to cuteness, the kid has to be able to say the following lines on cue: “Hi!” and “Me!”

We cast an amazing Latina actress for the mom, so I figured I could audition any kid who wasn’t Caucasian but didn’t look too Asian (Chinese, Japanese, etc…). Then the Producer said that he would prefer for us to hire twins in order to allow the work hours to be doubled.

Here is the truth: I was not excited about this audition. Parents with their twins, sitting outside of my office waiting to audition, seemed like a recipe for disaster to me. How the hell was I going to get a two year old (the preferred age of the director) to act on cue? What if the parents were nightmares, what if the kids were still in diapers? I am not child friendly, I mean I love and adore my nieces and nephews but after an hour or two, I’m like that character in A CHORUS LINE, “Can the adults please smoke?” I don’t smoke (anymore) but the thought of auditioning toddlers almost brought me to the nearest pack of Meritt Ultra Lights.

The director wanted me to get the kids to act on cue and have them run around the office screaming, as well as just film them as they are and interact with them, have them do an activity, like pick up paper or color. Seriously, is this an episode of candid camera? – Kill me now!

So, I go through my choices and schedule the kids and their parents to come in for me. As expected the kids arrive and they are all anxious or loud or well, just being kids. The boys were rowdier then the girls and the girls were more responsive and polite than the boys. One pair of twins practically destroyed a lighting unit in the office and drew in magic marker on my sofa and wall. The parents all seemed very nice, but I still contend that there is something creepy about parents who allow their children to act, but it’s a necessary evil of this business.

In general one twin was always stronger than their brother or sister. Inevitably a set of twins would not be able to follow commands or perform as they rehearsed with their parents (no Seaworld for you young man – seriously – I kind of felt bad for the kids!). But in the end I found the strongest choice, a pair of brothers who were almost four, but looked two. Thank God they didn’t have diapers like the two year olds I saw, which smelled up the office with their pooey smells and baby lotion.

Just another day at the office…