The Production Assistant - RIP George Carlin

The Production Assistant - American Idiots

The Production Assistant - “Someday, I’ll get you, John Stamos!”

Tom Cruise dates his male personal trainers.  Will Smith gives one of the best BJ’s in town.  If you book Priscilla Presley, she will demand that NO ONE on set mention Elvis… and if your name happens to be Elvis, she will have you banned from her presence!  Oh whispered rumors on the sound stages of  Hollywood.  And these are just that, rumors…  so don’t sue me!  Unless you want a beat up ‘98 Ford and a few tacky belt buckles, because that’s about all I’ve got.  Here’s a rumor you can start about me:  I’m awesome.  Although that one is more of a fact.  Regardless, I can’t tell you how many of my relatives call and ask for “insider gossip from the front lines”… being a PA is probably one of the better positions for this kind of trivial crap too, because most people don’t really watch what they say in front of you, because you’re “just” a PA.  Mmm, I love hubris and all its glaring, glaring errors.

But I’ve been hearing a lot of rumors lately about my absolute favorite Hollywood man putting the moves on young ladies, and I want them to stop, because they are just NOT true!  And who might my #1 gentleman be?  The star that I prefer to work with abover all stars?  The one, the only: Jerry Springer.

Stop rolling your eyes, I saw that!  Think what you will about his body of work, but Jerry is probably the best  celebrity I have ever worked with on a set and I’ll knife fight anyone that says different!  I was his personal PA on Thank God You’re Here about a year and a half ago and it’s been a hard day of work to beat ever since, it was a blast!

Basically when you work as a Talent PA, you get paid to babysit/entertain/walk/get food for your “talent”.  I ended up talking about Full House for 3 hours with the former mayor of Cincinnati.  You see, he has it out for John Stamos… he broke his daughter’s heart.

When Full House was taping in LA and his daughter was young, he flew her out with him to see a taping of the show so she could meet her first love, Mr. Jesse Katsopolis (or Jesse Cochran if you’re watching the first season…  not that I am quasi-religious about Full House or anything.  …).  Anyway, so he introduces his little daughter to Stamos, who signs her an autograph that says something along the lines of “When you get older, will you marry me?”  Adorable?  Yeah.  Kind of creepy?  Also yeah.  A bad idea because a fragile young girl will take that to heart?  You bet.  That is, until Daddy Jerry has to be be the bad guy and tell you that you most likely will NOT become Mrs. Jake In Progress.  It devestated the little lady and Jerry’s had it in for Stamos ever since.

That might have to be my absolute favorite story from someone else, ever.  Seriously though, he was an absolute  joy to work with!  He was funny, humble and made fun of himself and his show a lot…  he kept calling it dumb, but if that’s what the people wanted, who was he to say no?  It was pretty refreshing, after having to fawn over bitchy Chelsea Handler not long before…  someone should tell her to pull the stick out of her ass, unless that’s research for her next “comedy” book.

Jerry did his comedy bit for the show and then had to fly back to Chicago for more tapings, but not before telling me I had been the highlight of his day…  that, in turn was the highlight of MY year.

Interesting Springer Fact:  The Jerr-Bear only flies on private planes.  This is not because he is a diva though, this is because whenever he walks through airports, he is constantly haunted by the “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” chant…  he told me it follows him everywhere.  I personally feel bad for when he passes away, because I feel like even in death he will not be able to escape gaggles of crazy rednecks littering Bud Light cans on his grave and chanting for parapalegic transexual furries to make out with their mothers.

But for some reason, I’ve talked to a few people lately who have made some crazy claims about J-Spring coming on to girls they knew.  And that’s just bullshit, because if the man didn’t hit on ME, then seriously, forgeddaboutit.  I happen to be irresistable.  He was a perfect gentleman and I hope we get to work together again someday.  I would like to develop a secret handshake.

And that’s my final thought.  Take care of yourselves.

Tags: Oscars, Movie Bloggers, Filmmaker, Film, Movie Blog

The Production Assistant - Creepy Creepy Carradine

I would like to recount a story that happened to me and some friends recently.  It’s not directly Production Assistant related, but it trumps pretty much every celebrity encounter I’ve had so far because it is so creepy, so I felt the need to share.  Here is a small play about the encounter:

EXT.  Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre - Night

Bianca, Kyle and Brandie stand in line for a comedy show when they see none other than Mr. Kung Fu Kill Bill himself: DAVID CARRADINE, emerge stumbling from a nearby sushi place.  He makes eye contact and beelines to them.

His shirt is unbuttoned to an unsettling degree and a medallion hangs out with his old man chest hair.  Brandie is immediately skeeved - this is an encounter that is great in theory, but horrible in practice.

David: What is this line for?
Brandie: A comedy show.
David: What do they do?
Brandie: They interrupt movies.
Bianca: Yeah, all these comedians bring funny movies and they all talk about and make fun of them.
Brandie: You should come.
David: (to Kyle) And what would you be doing if you weren’t standing in this line with these gorgeous ladies?
Kyle:  I work at this store right here so I would be working…
David: No.  That wasn’t the answer I’m looking for. (to Brandie) What would you be doing if you weren’t in line right now?
Brandie: Um… probably sitting at home in sweatpants watching Battlestar Galactica.
David: (to Bianca) And you?
Bianca:  I would probably be with her.
David:  These are not good answers.  You are wasting your youth.
Brandie: Whatever David Carradine, what would YOU be doing if you weren’t here talking to us right now?  Where does your evening go?
David: I’m going to be at home.  In front of my computer.  Painting.
Bianca: Oh, Photoshop?
David: NO.  I use something else.

He tilts his head back, closes his eyes and smiles the perviest smile I have ever seen.

David:  I paint naked ladies.
Brandie: …Oh.
Kyle:  …Oh.
Bianca: …Oh.   Have you ever had an art show?
David: I had one in Beverly Hills once…
Brandie: Are you going to have another one?
David: Maybe…
Bianca: We want to go.
David: Are you going to buy anything?

At this point we discuss with him how we would buy something if we could afford it.  Mostly because all three of us are imagining that David Carradine is making Microsoft Paint Porn, because if he’s not using Photoshop, what else could he be using but Microsoft Paint?

So it stands to reason that all of his art is shitty, 7-color naked ladies, most likely with a lime green or hot pink background - they look like child drawings, because everything you draw in MS Paint looks like a kid drew it.

David:  Let me give you my email address for my next art show.

We give him a pen and paper - he scralls, in barely legible writing his email, hands it to us, then wanders off without another word into the night.

Cue the wooden flute solo.

Brandie looks down at the paper in her hand – It’s an aol.com email address…  so that means he has a screen name.

…Really?  This dude is so 90’s its not even funny.

THE END.

Now readers, this where I need your help.  I have added him to my buddy list and keep staring at his screen name, I have no idea what to say, haha.  Give me a ridiculous question for Mr. Kung Fu Kill Bill, and I will get you an answer.
Until next week!

The Production Assistant - A Day Off in the Life of Brandie

Quick blog this week ladies and gents, it’s a beautiful day in Los Angeles and I’m going to the zoo! My friend Bianca and I got a couples pass in the mail last week… not because we are a couple, but because it was cheaper than buying year-round passes individually… too bad we get Zoo mail addressed to both of us, and only one membership card, with “couple” written real big on the back. I feel like I need to walk into the park making out with a dude just so I don’t feel like a huge lesbian.

Last night I went to go see Iron Man – it was AWESOME! My on-again-off-again crush on Robert Downey Jr. is back in full swing, even with that Tony Stark cartoon-y facial hair. I’d put it right up there with Spiderman 2 and X Men 2, my other two favorite comic book movies. RDJ can go from smug to vulnerable in 5 seconds flat, I love watching that man act the pants off of a role. Stay through the credits, if not just to give his personal trainer a round of applause, but also for the teaser AFTER the credits… all the comic book geeks around us were screaming about it and high fiving, it was hilarious.

This is my first weekend to myself in a while where I’m not working or taking a class or workshop, so I’m enjoying it by getting out. In this industry, when you get free time, you live it up to the fullest because it doesn’t happen often. 14 hour days kind of make you disappear off the map for a bit to your friends and family, but there are ways to stay in touch. I’m a big fan of snail mailing things to people, since no one ever gets good mail except for birthday or Christmas cards. I feel like the only reason we buy things off the internet is so we’ve got more in our mailox than just bills. I’ve started a game with my friend Louis where we mail the most random high school senior picture we can find of people from our class back and forth to each other.

And whenever I’m stuck in traffic (which is ALWAYS), I’m usually making phone calls back east to people. My poor iPod doesn’t really get much play unless it’s too late and people are sleeping, or I’ve got new music that I’m dying to check out… like right now I’ve been listening to Private (http://www.myspace.com/weareprivate), this pop group from Denmark that my friend turned me on to… go check them out if you like Prince or early Michael Jackson, I’m obsessed. The best part is they all dress like crazy Goths, but they have this awesome catchy pop music, it makes no sense. The lead singer looks like Crispin Glover. I’ve got their full album, (imported it from Hong Kong because it’s $61 in America as an import, and only $20 if I import it MYSELF… explain that one), leave a comment and I’ll burn you one if you want. I want them to get big in the US so they will come here and tour!

Anyway, I’m rambling with no real point other than I HAVE THE DAY OFF! So why am I writing to you? Peace out, cub scouts.

The Production Assistant - The Hills Kills My Soul

One of the most interesting parts about living in Hollywood is going out and stumbling across a project shooting when you least expect it. I went out to dinner this week with a few friends from shows I’ve worked on, and went to Magnolia, this restaurant on Sunset Blvd. We were seated three tables down from Zachary Quinto, and I geeked out because he’s going to be the new Dr. Spock in the J.J. Abrams “Star Trek” movie. Seriously, I’m so stoked for it… I’ve always said the first thing I will splurge on when I sell my first script is the “Star Trek: Next Generation” Complete Series Box Set… Oh my God, it was my favorite show as a kid, EVER!! J.J. Abrams better not make a space smoke monster, that’s all I’m saying. If only they had been filming a scene from THAT movie… instead we got to witness firsthand, the “reality” that is shooting “The Hills”.

Now mind you, I’ve never watched the show… I don’t generally believe in glorifying vapid, shallow individuals by giving them a television platform to spread their inane, self-centered chatter. But apparently someone’s watching it… and if it’s you, please STOP feeding the machine. Shows like that make it harder for good, scripted television to get a real chance because they can be done on the cheap. 3 of my 4 favorite shows of last year were cancelled before their 8 episodes had even aired. If you’re drinking a beverage while reading this, pour a little on the ground for my dead homies, “Raines”, “The Winner” and “Andy Barker, P.I.”.

I know the debate has been raging back and forth on whether “The Hills” a “reality” show or written… so I’m here to set a few things straight. We stayed at the restaurant for 3 ½ hours, and during that time they lit the dinner table for 2 ½ of those hours… with PA’s standing in for the “stars”. There was a Script Supervisor… I couldn’t tell if she had an actual script or just bullet points for the conversation to hit, but she was definitely a Script Supervisor. Oh, and once they started shooting, they cut two or three times to start again. Doesn’t sound like reality to me.

Luckily they didn’t try to silence the restaurant while shooting… I think they would have had a mutiny, everyone was rolling their eyes and hating on the interruption to their evening. Right before they started shooting, Baby Spock and his friend got out of there… good move on their part, wouldn’t want to confuse real actors with no-talent ass clowns who can fit into a size 00 and ignore their soul’s last gasping attempts at maintaining their dignity.

My friends and I made a game of going to the bathroom when it looked like something emotional was about to happen – you got to walk right by the camera rolling, woo! Thank goodness for our attentive waitress, Marissa, who kept the Arnold Palmers flowing. If you see a striped purple and green shirt walking by the camera in a scene where some girl and a guy eat salads and backstab their friends, then that may be me!! I’m like, totally FAMOUS!!

The most riveting part of the whole experience was watching the crew and seeing how bored they were with the whole affair. Even the PA’s were dragging. Seriously, nothing is more fun than working on a project people believe in, or at least one that is about… something. Anything. I’ve worked on a few shows like “The Hills”… there’s a reason that’s in the past tense.

Here’s a video from FunnyOrDie.com that James Franco, Judd Apatow and Mila Kunis did during the strike about The Hills. Kinda gets my point across.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/56c2d6a703

Tune in next week, same Brandie time, same Brandie place.

The Production Assistant - Hot Tranny Mess!!!!

This weekend was the first brutally hot weekend of the year in LA, which, when you don’t have air conditioning and are kind of poor, limits your options of entertainment.  Why couldn’t this blasted heat wave be next weekend, when I’m planning on watching Indiana Jones 20 times in a row in an air conditioned theatre?  No character in the history of cinema is hotter than Indiana Jones, and if you say otherwise, I will fight you.  That isn’t to say Harrison Ford is the sexiest man alive, because ew, no.  Have you seen Regarding Henry?  It’s like one day he woke up and decided to look like a creepy, grizzled old man.  But Indiana Jones.  Damn.  He gives me the vapors. 

REGARDLESS!  HEAT WAVES SUCK!  I’m going to put it out there right now, if any of my loyal readers:

1. Have a pool
2. Are not a creepshow (unless your name’s Indy, after the dog)

We should hang out, like now.  I will regale you with plenty of crazy non-PA stories, trust me, lots of insane things happen to me when I’m off the job too.  But today’s hellish heat made me think of my wildest PA gig, a music video for Chris Garneau, the song, Relief.  Found a link for the video if you wanna take a look:

http://media.revver.com/broadcast/28227/video.mov/14351

Yep.  There are trannies.  I was thinking about them today because in my neighborhood, when the temperature goes over 100, apparently people forget how to dress like human beings and decide instead to wear soul-shattering hi-cut/low-cut tank tops and booty shorts…  everyone looks like a bad drag queen.  And not in the “fierce tranny hot mess” way that Christian from Project Runway means it.

Relief was shot overnight at a diner on La Cienega with a skeleton crew of 6, me being the only PA.  My job description that night was twofold:

1.        At 4:30 am, go pick up “lunch” for the crew

2.        Watch the trannies like a hawk.  Do not let them drink or do drugs.  They will try.

And try they did.  The big tall one that pees in the women’s bathroom in the video was particularly vexed by me not letting him/her get him/her’s fix for the night.  He/She pouted and sulked and wouldn’t talk to me after I laid down the law.  He/She even laughed at me when I told him/her I don’t drink.  A drag queen laughed…  at me?  I looked back in one of my notebooks and these are the notes I scribbled down about him/her that night:

A transvestite with trackmarks running down his legs sits alone at a seedy diner,

Waiting for his eggs,

Over easy.

Make-up smeared and wig askew, he longs for a drink –

Or something stronger.

He holds a knife on the edge of the counter and flicks it, idly watching it vibrate up and down…

There’s still a child left inside this hulking queen.

Didn’t know you would be getting pretentious poetry this week, did ya?  I’m full of surprises.

But I’ve left out the most awkward part about the whole affair – one of the trannies decided they had a crush on me that night… and it was the ugliest one of the bunch!  How’s THAT for a blow to your ego?  Because seriously, if you can’t even get a decent looking tranny, what CAN you do?  The tranny in question isn’t even shown in the video, all of his/her scene’s were cut!  But I will never forget the tight mesh dress, 5 inch heels, stubbled face and bloodshot eyes, making kissy faces at me.  Believe me, I’ve tried.

“So.  Do you want a boyfriend or a girlfriend?”

“Umm…  I’m fine…”

HOW DO YOU ANSWER THAT?!  Seriously, I feel like either way you’re trapped, that’s so not fair.

It was one of the longest nights I’ve ever had…  I did not want to get into an in depth conversation with a bunch of drag queens.  I was the enforcer, they were the enforced.  Not that I’m judging them though, I don’t want you to think that.  But after being berated for being straight edge by a 7 foot tall man in daisy dukes, I generally conclude that nothing good will come out the interaction.  Just tears.  Manly, manly lady tears.

The Production Assistant - THE PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

Brandie Posey moved to Hollywood in January 2007 and has been working steadily as a PA ever since. She has worked on numerous television, film and music video productions including: “Deal or No Deal”, “House M.D.” “American Inventor” & “Hot Guys who cook”.

 

Her ultimate career goal is to be a comedy writer and producer, and knows deep down in her heart that getting coffee for high strung executives will get her there someday.

 

The Production Assistant - Tired of Being Sorry, Indeed: The Affleck incident!

A friend of mine is coordinating for the new Motley Crüe music video and put out a bulletin on myspace earlier this week looking for “Crüe type girls, but please no Cougars”. Oh Nikki Sixx, you’re like 70, aren’t you? I feel like cougars are even still half your age. It made me want to hop back on a music video though, it’s been a while since I’ve spent an entire day listening to the same song on repeat. Wrangling groupie extras shoved into too-tight black leather is not the worst way to make a living, right? At the very least it will do wonders for one’s self esteem.

The first music video I ever PA’ed on was for Ringside, “Tired of Being Sorry”. I’m not a big fan of the band, but the video itself was pretty fun. Basically it’s a couple fighting each other in a boxing ring, taking shots at each other throughout the song. Oh, and Joaquin Phoenix was directing?

Apparently Ringside is one of those “Hollywood” bands that schmooze with celebs more than practice their own songs. But whatever, because they got Phoenix to direct, and Christian Slater, Michelle Trachtenburg and Casey Affleck all made cameos. My job on the video was basically to get releases signed by everyone that was going to be on camera, celebrity and extras alike. Sounds easy enough, right?

What I didn’t mention was that there were probably 200 extras there, and they were all unpaid… so basically they were one of three things: HUGE Ringside fans, HUGE Joaquin Phoenix fans, HUGE crazies.

I met a biker gang from Reno, NV to give their script to Joaquin Phoenix because they just KNEW he could play their leader. There were ex-girlfriends of the band there who wanted to make the video experience awkward to spite them, but judging by the band’s reaction, weren’t really ex-girlfriends but girls with whom they had relations once upon a time… and probably would again. I met a blue-haired grandmother in spandex who convinced herself that if she got front and center for the crowd shots of this video, she’d finally get her big break. I had to call security on a crazed fan wearing a River Phoenix t shirt who wouldn’t change because she thought wearing a reminder of the director’s dead brother was a good idea… awkward.

The hardest release to get though, was Casey Affleck’s. He was standing around with Christian Slater, who, by the way, had no problem signing his, even addressing me by name and saying thanks. But when I asked Casey to sign, he told me dismissively to send it to his agent, then turned his back to me. Keeping my cool, I told him that we couldn’t shoot his scene until I had his release; it was the production’s rule. He spun around, rolled his eyes and grabbed the clipboard out of my hands, autographing the signature line like I was an obnoxious fan and not someone working with him on the video. Then he pushed it back into my hands and turned back around.

Knowing he was “talent” (the quotes are there for a reason), I bit my tongue and turned in my releases… I decided to be the bigger person and not smash his arrogant asshole face onto the boxing ring. It wouldn’t have been a fair fight, whiny girls never are.

But I would like to take the opportunity now to apologize. I am sorry I do not have a successful, talented older brother with coattails to ride all the way to mediocrity. I am sorry I did not have a director’s chair with my name on the back of it, therefore making me a real person. I am sorry I was a PA doing her job. And I am sorry I didn’t kick you right in your vagina, you little bitch.

Oh, and I’m sorry you didn’t win an Oscar this year.

… Just kidding, I did a victory dance and laughed for a good minute.

The Production Assistant - Reel Big Fangirl: PA’ing a music video

This weekend in Los Angeles was Bamboozle Left, a punk/pop punk/some ska music festival. And I am a ska fanatic! I only went Saturday, because I have a stand up comedy workshop on Sundays, but whatever, because I got to see my favorite band play, Reel Big Fish. Never heard of them? How dare you! Immediately go to their myspace page and listen to their songs: http://www.myspace.com/reelbigfish. They’re funny and have great banter and their music is awesome and peppy and they are really great guys and just ack! I love everything about them, can you tell?

Anyway, the reason I bring it up is because 2 years ago, I got the chance to PA on one of their music videos, a lil’ ditty called “Don’t Start A Band”. The concept of the video was all the bad clichés that happen to you in the early years of a band: your tour van breaking down, playing on the street for change, playing in smoky bars where no one cares, and practicing in the garage. It was an ultra low budget video, which I actually like to work on more because you have a lot more to do and aren’t just sitting around watching doors and getting coffee.

I ended up working as an unofficial assistant art director and for the second day of the shoot, so I got to bring any crazy props I had to fill out the garage space… and I own a lot of crazy stuff. Seriously, my apartment looks like a prop shop that only specializes in weird, totally random, useless stuff. So, if you look closely in the garage scene, there is a glass turkey, a gold Abe Lincoln bust and a bright green wig head (I lovingly call her Long-Neck-Green-Face) scattered on the back wall.

There is also a mannequin in that scene that belongs to me too… her name is Roxanne, but because Matt Wong, their bass player, was in Hawaii for his sister’s wedding, we dressed her up like him, Gaff tape facial hair and all! (**Nerdy Reel Big Fish fact: Their last video, for “Where Have You Been” had mannequins in it, and they hated the whole experience, so having Roxanne in this one was their way of saying eff you to that director. Sooo lame that I know that, but whatever.**)

I didn’t get paid for the gig, but I didn’t care. I got to give something back to a band that I have loved for YEARS… they were my first concert ever back in 1998. And besides, when else do you get to hang out with 6 of your favorite people and do the job you love at the same time?? There are definitely other perks to this job besides the lavish paychecks (HA!). Because of that video, now I’m buddies with a few of the guys, and all I have to do is shoot them a text when I’m coming to a show and I’m in for free, chilling on the tour bus. Last year I took most of them around to the different Smithsonians in Washington DC before a show later that night.

And the video led to more gigs, too. The director of “Don’t Start A Band”, (Jonathan London, check out his podcast, Geekscape, for all your video game, comic book, movie news) got hired to direct their Live DVD too, the third disc on “Our Live Album Is Better Than Your Live Album”. Guess who got called in to PA?? And by PA, this time I meant hang out. But I’ve still got a credit listed on the DVD, and it’s my most cherished one yet:

Brandie Posey … Production Assistant (And Really Awesome Person)

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