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The Production Assistant - Ace Ventura Jr. Just Pearl Harbored My Soul

November 24, 2008

Another dark day in America’s history. I wish I had seen this one coming so I could run for the hills.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YN5GfY-UEAk

I feel numb. Really? REALLY?! Was this necessary?! Look. I get remakes and I get shitty sequels… but to make something that actively looks like it’s trying to be garbage… Jesus. I’ve known this was coming for a while, but I didn’t think it would be this bad. Are you kidding me?! Why does the kid have to be fat?! That wig is atrocious!!

You’re not even giving him new catchphrases, you’re rehashing old ones!! You know how annoying it was 2 years ago when everyone was quoting Dave Chapelle’s Lil’ Jon impression, “What? Yeahhhh! Ok!”. This is someone making a tubby Andy Melonakis rip-off do that for 2 hours straight and then TRYING TO SELL IT TO YOU!! Because even Andy Milonakis would turn this down, THAT’S how horrible this movie looks.

AHHHHH!! I want to commit VIOLENCE after watching that trailer!! To quote Patton Oswalt, “I wish my fingers emitted mace!”. Because seriously. Look in that kid’s eyes and tell me he isn’t going to use his Pet Detective blood money on coke and whores. My words are failing me… I’ve reverted to guttural animal noises. Maybe with any luck I can get a job as a Panda on the eminent sequel to this crap-fest and go on a killing spree before they can make Ace Ventura Jr: The Washed Up, Bitter Pet Detective with ED.

I have a strong suspicion I might get a medal of valor.